friday night football: manly sea eagles vs parramatta eels

Hello children! Aunty Kiki has her right arm back! TOOT TOOT! It’s still hurty but at least I can type and cut my own food up again. It’s pretty exciting I’m not gonna lie. Also due to only being able to do my makeup with my left hand, I’ve spent the last 4 weeks looking like Marge when Homer set the makeup gun to whore. Not pretty.

I know I usually do the Dragons recaps, but Sassy has banned me from doing so this week. For some reason she thinks I am ruled by my emotions (BULLSHIIIIT!! I AM TOTALLY IMPARTIAL!) and can’t be subjective enough to write about Gaz this close to his defection. So! I chose Manly v Parra because I quite like both teams. Okay who am I kidding, I just wanted an excuse to watch the Hot Pioneer (aka David Williams) in action. And photoshop him.

I was planning on doing the usual play-by-play recap but honestly apart from a few flashes of brilliance, this game was boring as shit. So let us just review the 5 most important points of the evening. Important to me anyway, and that’s what matters.

1) Parramatta is fat…FAT FAT FAT!

The commentators have been alluding to this glaringly obvious fact for the past few weeks. But they are more polite than I. They say things like ‘Parramatta have problems with their fitness’ and ‘the Eels all seem to be a similar body shape’. Guys, its okay…you can say it. The boys from the west have turned into fatty mcfat fats. The mayors of Fat-town. The fattest bastards in allllll the land.

Perhaps our favourite perennial fattie Piggy Riddell has been sharing nutrition tips with his team mates. Its been well publicised that Piggy shed a few kilos at the start of the season. But the diet was clearly too restrictive. Facist diet! It’s not his fault he has a healthy appetite.
Now he thinks some people are too obsessed with his skinfolds and eating habits..

But the hunger is still there. Yesterday at the launch of Parramatta’s new sponsorship deal, Riddell was famished.

“I’m starving,” he said with a smile, balancing a quaint plate of sandwich triangles.

 

Yes! People are obsessed! FIGHT THE POWER PIGGY! And he has. Leagues answer to Carl Williams has bravely stood up to the facists by steadily gaining weight over the season. He has clearly fallen off the wagon. And taken the rest of the Eels with him.

This week Parramatta’s Fat Issue has reached a critical level. Their brilliant-on-paper backline has been dealt a severe blow with the sudden withdrawl of Feleti Mateo. The official story is injury, but dear readers…..I know what really happened. That fat bitch drowned in a vat of ranch dressing on Thursday night. ERROL SPEAKS THE TRUTH PEOPLE.

Look at that gut. Seriously….look at it. I’ve never seen a gut like that on a man before, let alone a footy player. It’s kind of amazing. Feleti my darling, it’s okay. I too struggle with flat stomachness. Lets hang out! Sizzler next Wednesday night?

2) Brett Stewart continues to make me feel bad about myself

Seriously Brett, stop it. Stop being a full blown diabetic and being an elite athlete at the same time. I think it’s a huge accomplishment when I drag my alcohol soaked carcass to pilates a few times a year, and here you are being all excellent and high achieving while suffering a serious chronic illness. Rubbing it in my face every single week. Bastard.

3) Matt Ballin should live in my pants

Not only is his form brilliant of late, he is also a very very attractive man. He makes our ladytarts* smile. I can’t believe I haven’t noticed it until now. Okay thats a lie…Sassy noticed it. And sent a helpful text message that read something like OMG REVELATION KIKI…MATT BALLIN IS A HOT HOOKER!!! Yes, yes he is.

(Note – Lozzy, the former Hater of Footy and newly minted Manly fan found the second photo on her OWN. She has definitely drunk the football Koolaid.)

You know what else Matt Ballin can do? Increase our physical fitness…personally. I’m not being creepy, he is an actual personal trainer. Of course it would involve us having to travel all the way to Narrabeen to be trained, but I think it’s worth it to have our hammies stretched like this -

Oooh, its a deep burn.

4) Gus and Rabs further descend into madness

AND HILARITY! God, I love these two. Rab’s mild dementia and Gus’s blind rage…they are great. Matty asks them if they have ever seen a fatter 5/8 than Piggy on Friday night. Rabs replies something like -

“Nothing wrong with being fat…..though you make a good point. Why are you and Gus so obsessed with physique anyway?’

Gus announces “well when I next to such a physical specimen as yourself every Friday night, its hard not to be Rabbits”.

AMAZING.

5) The Hot Pioneer can do everything

When I say ‘do’ everything I mean ‘attempt’. His goal kicking wasn’t exactly El Masri-esque but I was impressed he gave it a go. Partcipation award baby! I mean who knew he could kick too? I guess when you’re on the run from the law on horseback you gotta be multiskilled. I also enjoyed the close ups of him talking to himself before every kick. Ned Kelly beard + self talking = hot crazy man.

If it wasn’t already blindingly obvious, we at Errol are completely obsessed with this man. Most people say he would be hot if he shaved the beard of, but we disagree. We say, unequivocally…KEEP THE BEARD BABY.

And one extra point. Can someone please explain to me the point of the video ref using ‘Refs Call’?? It is RIDICULOUS. If the ref can make a call, why doesn’t he? What in the hell is the point of sending it to the VR and then making it yourself anyway? It makes no sense and its a bloody outrage. I’m writing an strongly worded letter to Robert Finch as we speak.

*Copyright Lozzy

HQ photos of Hot Pioneer and our new personal trainer from the Manly Fan Gallery. Genius photoshopping by me.