it's official: god hates the roosters

Pic. Getty Images

It’s official. God hates the Roosters. We are the Bulldogs of 2009.

Seriously LOOK at Sam Perrett’s face. That is not the face of a man who’s being dealt a good hand by the Gods. Lozzy says it looks like a Tarot card … one of the really bleak ones where the universe is telling you that a fridge is gonna drop on you or you have chlamydia.

I think it looks like the face of someone who’s been through the frogs and gnats plagues, and is starting to get scared about what other plagues God has in store. There are ten? Shit!

And this is the bit where I would talk about what happened in the weekend game against the Cowboys … cept at 7.30 I kinda fell unconscious asleep on the couch and missed the whole thing cause I have tonsilitis and a fever like woah. Um, sorry boys. I feel so guilty. I feel like somehow they must know I didn’t watch. It’s not cause I don’t love you, babies! I do! It’s totally not their fault that I have tonsils of death and am too scared to go have them taken out even though my whole family keeps pestering me about it. Operations are scary, k?

But I wanna talk about my boys anyway.

Sure they lost the last two games, but after losing the four games before that I’m kind of immune to disappointment. Notching up one more is like waking up and seeing the sky is blue. At least they played with some passion, right? I definitely saw commitment. Also, I saw them do some things that were competent and effective. Amazing! 

Last week when they played the Titans I almost EXPLODED with pride. Even though about 85 of our players are injured (as opposed to just Minichiello, like usually) the Roosters were chances. Is there any sweeter word?

Well probably ‘winners’, but not for the Chooks. Let’s be realistic.

Admittedly at one point Braith Anasta bounce-passed the ball to Mitchell Pearce, then Mitchell got penalised for throwing the ball away pissily like John MacEnroe … doesn’t that sum up the Roosters’ year? When does that ever happen? God my team are losers.

But the rangas in the team were on fire. Ben Jones made some awesome plays (and scored this week too), Love Shack was his lovable self (and scored this week too), strawberry blond Maubs got over the line and Ranga Tom Symonds proved that good footy players can come from the East too.

For reals, Tommy is a Bondi junior player. You’re not alone anymore Cherro! There are now two actual Easts Juniors in the team. It’s deadset like seeing Dodos playing in Roosters jerseys. It’s a miracle!

It also makes me think how awesome it would be if my plan eventually came true and we could end up with an all-ranga Roosters team. THE RED ROOSTERS. They would be unstoppable. Also, perfect for a Red Rooster mini-NRL figurine promotion. Sadly Love Shack has signed with Parramatta now and ruined his chance to be part of it. DAMN YOU LOVE SHACK.

More importantly, my Chooks looked splendid in their Women in League round jerseys. I love that they went with the bright pink numbers with navy on a white background. The colours were very Doo.Ri Spring/Summer 2009. MY BOYS ARE SO FASHION-FORWARD.

So pretty!

But the funtimes of the last two weeks of the Roosters sucking-less-than-usual have come to a crashing halt. Cap’n Braith Anasta (you can tell which one he is by his little Captain’s hat) broke his ankle against the Cowboys and can’t play for the whole rest of the season.

……………………

WE REALLY ARE THE 2008 BULLDOGS REINCARNATED.

Seriously, is there anyone left in the team now who is over 21 and not injured, other than Craig Fitzgibbon? Shit is getting ridiculous. It’s like Foil Fitzy is running a daycare centre now. I imagine he would be like Arnie in Kindergarten Cop, dragging all the little chooks around on his biceps and making them do military drills while he makes them his organic healthy meals and confiscates their chocolates. THEY WILL ONLY MAKE YOU FAT, ANTHONY CHERRINGTON.

Not to mention that we mght be kind of screwed without Cap’n Anasta. In most of our games Braith Anasta’s crotch is man of the match. Sigggggh.

And the worst thing is we’re not even an upgrade on the Bulldogs in terms of our shit fortunes. They got an international manhunt, we get … Blind Freddy. At least international manhunts are fun! I was a bandit for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego as a kid.

Meanwhile, after hearing the drunk Brad Fittler story, my mum feels bad for him. She’s stayed in that hotel for work and says considering that it’s ROUND shaped, and reception is on level three for some ridiculous unknown reason, getting lost in there while sober is an easy mistake to make. She says it’s like trying to find your room in a slinky. If anything, Freddy’s a victim of poor architecture. WHEN WILL THE ARCHITECTURAL MADNESS STOP?

So, really, God AND architects hate the Roosters. Don’t worry, I still love you boys.