going up, going down – ladies with notorious racks

I’m not sure if you were all aware of this, but I am not just the Errol specialist correspondent on Eurovision, de Brito, how tight football uniforms are, and cornrows. I am also proud to say I am tres expert in all matters of celebrities and their racks (Einstein factor, here I come).

And even though she’s a total trainwreck, I have also always been 100% team Linds. And why not? Even Dolly likes her, and Dolly is pretty much Jesus.

I stuck by her through Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, her ridiculous plastic hair extensions, even through her Mischa Barton phase, and that was possibly the most trying time of all. I hate that T-Rex.

But it seems like, lately, one of my favourite misunderstood ample-boobed starlets is coming good. Little LiLo is in love with Samantha Ronson and it’s made us stronger than ever.

I love lesbian Lilo. I think she is by far my favourite Lilo. Lesbian-stereotype, plaid-wearing, leggings-hawking, employable, not-so-faketanned Lilo.

Just look at our girl actually turning up to work (and playing softball! international symbol of solidarity and contentment for lesbians everywhere!)

You know I actually think she looks sober these days too. I mean not completely sober, but like at least she has pupils again now, and not the crazy black burning coal Demerol kind. So maybe she’s just popping high-functioning pills, like Ritalin and Xanax. Just a few uppers and downers, sweetie. The normal kind. Everyone has those in their purse, right? It’s not just me?

There’s a slight chance that this turn-around is because heinous Mama Dinetta Lohan is busy pimping out the prematurely aged Ali on Living Lohan, but I don’t want to talk about that in case mentioning her name summons the mythical rasping harpie herself.

When I read LiLo and SamRo might get hitched I won’t even lie – I squealed. The squeal of a thirteen-year-old who just found out Johnathon Taylor Thomas was coming to town. Also that last sentence had absolutely nothing to do with personal experience.

The 22-year-old star has already bought a white Chanel mini-dress for the ceremony, while Ronson – the sister of super-producer Mark Ronson – is toying with the idea of wearing a black suit and top hat.

Well firstly, of course SamRo wants a top hat. That’s pretty much the first rule in the big Book o Lesbian Weddings: that the Ellen has to wear a top hat. And who can argue with that? Top hats are fucking fierce. I bought an amaaazing one for Kiki for her birthday. (… does that make her the Ellen and me the Portia?)

The only thing even possibly wrong with it is that sometimes, when SamRo dresses nicely and wears grey or black, she looks disturbingly like Mark Ronson and I almost maybe sorta get a tiny ladyboner. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Moving on. *cough*

Even more obviously, OF COURSE SHE HAS A CHANEL DRESS. I can’t wait. Can’t you just imagine Uncle Karl Lagerfeld swanning about the reception in all black and a leather ascot, swinging a cane made of real snakes and announcing lesbians are the soaring swans of fashion! Except for fat ones. They are toads in aspic.

Lindsay, my darling, you are more fabulous than ever.

Going down: Scarlett Johansson

Bet you thought I’d moved past my dislike of ScarJo. Sadly, no. It’s back. After manufacturing a news story by telling a political news website that she was email penpals with Barack Obama, she’s manufactured another one by acting suprised about it.

Scarlett Johansson can laugh about it now, but the actress says she was embarrassed by the media coverage of her so-called “email relationship” with Barack Obama.

“It seemed to me to be like a product of extreme sexism, and I kept thinking to myself, ‘God, if this was just, like, Kal Penn or George Clooney or any of the other (Obama) surrogates or supporters … there wouldn’t be (any) question about it. Nobody would even talk about it,”‘ she said.

Oh honey, no. No you didn’t. You didn’t just say that the reason people talked about this was because you’re a woman. Kill me now. They wouldn’t have published the same articles about George Clooney because George Clooney wouldn’t hop on the phone with the internets and say something tragic and attention-seeking and untrue.

Bitch is GEORGE CLOONEY. Bitch doesn’t need to court attention to promote a Woody Allen film that is certain to do as poorly as the last two Woody Allen efforts.

Obviously at some point some poor confused English teacher taught ScarJo that “sexism” is a euphemism for “the results of famewhoring”. Sigh. That gosh-darned American education system.

And while we’re at it, she thought she’d whip up another non-story too, about how people JUST WON’T STOP CALLING HER NEW MOVIE SEXY. Those bastards!

“It’s just silly because … the way people are talking about it you’d think it was … a Bertolucci movie or something,” Johansson said, laughing. “People are saying, ‘It’s Woody Allen’s steamiest movie.’ I’m thinking, ‘Woody Allen’s steamiest WHAT?”‘

Okay, let me explain. They said MOVIE, darlin. You know when you prance about and it’s like people are taking photos of you, but there’s no shutter-sound? That’s called making MOVIES.

Anyone with eyes can see Scarlett has an amazing rack. People always talk about it and how hot it is. Woody Allen has told the press she’s a sex beast. Surely at some point, after 23 years of being Scarlett Johansson, she would have realised she has em and people like them. Am I right?

When people comment on my boobs* I’m not surprised. Because I know I have them. I’ve seen them at least several times. I know all about them, you know? It’s not news to me. So why is it that every mention of Scar Jo’s body or her sexiness surprises her?

If she is enough of a battler that she can’t remember what’s sitting in her bra, then I have no time for her. Conveniently, if she’s that much of a battler she’ll probably knock herself off soon enough in a tragic plant-watering accident.

* which they do because they’re boys, not because I look like ScarJo. Obvs.