hot man news – the kayne edition

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I have ended up Errol’s senior Hot Man Correspondent. Okay, that’s a lie…I know exactly why it’s happened. Because I am a perve of the highest order and deeply enjoy sexually objectifying football players on the internet. They say everyone has a calling, and I think I’ve found mine.

Because some of you are anti-nudity kill joys, I will do as I promised and use my warning sign. IT GALLS ME TO DO THIS PEOPLE. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

I didn’t think my pants could get more excited than they did at Hot Man Christmas, but last week’s Footy Show proved me wrong. AND HOW! Not only have the geniuses behind the Gods Of Football calendar recognised Our Davey William’s hotness, now they have out done themselves and delivered us Kayne Lawton in all his glory. KAYNE FREAKING LAWTON! I thought we were the only ones who knew he even existed. Us and Scott Prince. Together we discovered KayLaw’s sexy and brought it to the world via this blog. Most of you are probably too lazy to click, so I’ll give you a taste of Prince Scott The Caramel’s take on Kayne.

“He is a freak,” said premiership-winning captain Prince. “I just shake my head.

“I have been doing weights for seven or eight years now and I haven’t got half the body that kid has.”

“I haven’t seen him play yet, but seeing him train in the gym with us, he has definitely got an athlete’s body,” said Prince.

For those who don’t know, KayLaw is the halfback in the Titans Under 20′s side. Apparently he’s quite good with the ball. Whatever. I care not for his footballing abilities, and apparently neither does Scotty. Let us check out the aforementioned ‘athletes body’.

Ohhhhh yeah. Thats some good….’athletic ability’ right there. Maybe Kayne could fly his athletic ass down to Sydney and we could work out. WORK OUT WITH NO PANTS ON.

The tan! The eyes! THE ARMS! Did I mention the tan? Guuuuuuuh its all too much.

At this juncture I would like to assert Errol ownership over Kayne and anything vaguely Kayne related. We found him first and if you want to touch him in his special area you have to come through us first. Send Intern John-John an email and he will place you in the waiting list. Tell him he’s a spunk while you’re there, coz he gets super jealous when we talk about men-that-aren’t-him being sexytimes.

One time we found him burning an effigy of Matt ‘Hot Bitch’ Cooper in the stationery cupboard. Luckily intensive psychotherapy is covered under the comprehensive Errol health plan. We are a very progressive workplace, what can I say.

I guess I should mention that Kayne is eighteen years old. Yes, eighteen. I felt a bit weird about mind molesting him…for about 2 seconds. And you know why? BECAUSE I DESERVE THIS GODAMNIT. Boys never looked like this when I was eighteen. Oh no. It was all acne, Lynx body spray and burping Jim Beam in my face at the Castle Hill Tavern. HOT!

Teenage boys are way hotter these days, and I for one feel ripped off and I refuse to feel bad for eyeing off year 12 students in the food court. It’s not my fault officer! It’s their slutty uniforms and scruffy hair! DON’T PERSECUTE ME FOR A NATURAL RESPONSE.

I spose I can’t ignore Daniel Conn’s appearance in the calendar. The Gays loooove him but me, not so much. Obviously he is a perfectly formed human, but he just doesn’t give me a lady boner. And I’m sure he will cry himself to sleep when he reads this.

For ages I couldn’t work out why he doesn’t do it for me, but I think I’ve put my finger on it. He is so….groomed. He literally doesn’t have one visible body hair hair. He’s all gleaming and perfect…like a human Ken Doll.

My lack of admiration for him is probably just self protection. I know he would take one look at my hideously messy hair and filthy Converse and vomit a bit in his mouth.

Now onto a man that is everything Ken Doll Conn isn’t. Biiiig Davviiiddd Shillllington! OUR SHILLO! Shillo is the polar opposite to Daniel. I bet he would love my aversion to hair brushing and 5am schooner drinking. The best thing about Shillo is his obvious pride for his lustrous chest hair. OUT AND PROUD BABY!

 We Errolers are avid chest hair enthusiasts and know a good rug when we see one. And we nominate Shillo as having The Best Rug In League. We would add it as a category to our Errol Awards but it would upset the delicate balance we have constructed. Okay that’s a lie, we are just lazy bitches. Next year Shillo, next year. For now, let us revel in your hair based awesomeness -

Shillo totally drew the short straw for this photoshoot. For some reason they enlisted him to help reorganise the warehouse and forced him to lug around giant chains all day.

HE ISN’T A CLYDESDALE PEOPLE. Just coz he’s big doesn’t mean you can use him for all your heavy lifting. How can you do this to him? I mean look at this face! It would make angels weep!

I will NOT stand for this sort of discrimination. Next time Shillo does a shoot, I’m going with him. I can comb his chest hair and make sure no one takes advantage of him. Except me of course, because that’s a given.

All screen captures from our favourite blog, Schillo photos from Gods of Football. Go check it out, it’s for a great cause.