Kittens, there are many, many things that I cannot explain about the Golden Globes.
I can’t explain why, even though she’s objectively smoking hot, Megan Fox kind of grosses me out. I can’t explain why Angelina Jolie looked like she was on about fifteen xanax for the whole ceremony. Or why Robert Downey Jr can be simultaneously so short, so odd, and so incredibly attractive.
Who knows? He just is.
More importantly, I have NO GODDAMN IDEA how Jennifer Love Hewitt could play an accidental hand-job-giving happy-endings masseuse in a TV miniseries and end up nominated for an award in the same category as Judi Dench.
What I can do – really, really well – is judge things. And here are my top five hand-picked Most Memorable Looks of the Week:
1. January Jones and her rack. Because if you’re not nominated, and you dress like Jessica Rabbit, you still win. Win at LIFE.
2. Look! It’s Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester taking a break from her life as a polygamous sect-wife to attend the Globes. I can’t be bothered googling so I’ll just assume every one hated this, but it ticks every single one of my style boxes. Faded floral print? High waist? Leg’o'mutton sleeve? Yes please! It has serious 1970s Gunne Sax vibes, and I already own six of those dresses from second-hand stores.
3. I am 99% sure that this look is lifted from a Shape magazine photo spread about loving your curves. Grab a form-fitting shape-enhancing one piece swim suit with matching sheer sarong and you can go from the pool to the cocktail bar in no time. See page 65 for stockists.
4. I look at this dress and the big red rose growth in the middle, and all I can think of is that skin cancer ad, where little red melanomas start growing and crawling around in your bloodstream as you tan. SKIN CELLS IN TRAUMA! HER DRESS HAS A MELANOMA! Thank you Nat, for reminding me of the danger of sun exposure. Also, congratulations on the award ‘n’ shit.
5. So it wasn’t at the Golden Globes but dammit if this didn’t make my day. Greg Bird in cricket whites, y’all. Greg Bird in cricket whites. Apparently at the SCG the other night, playing to support the Learn, Earn Legend program, Birdy bowled 4 for 6. Sadly, not enough to snag victory for the legends team over the junior team they played against. But at least it confirmed something I would totally have guessed: Birdy’s a spin bowler. OF COURSE HE IS. Just like our beloved Shane Warne. Why sprint 30 metres to bowl, when you can take two steps and flick your wrist?
Golden Globes pics. Getty Images