maaaaaad monday!
July 22nd, 2008So as I said previously, I am not going to recap this game. However, too much awesome dramaaaz occured for me to ignore it completely.
First of all, let us talk about my boys sporting a pink V. Oh, they looked so LOVELY. Just lovely. The pink V has magical powers because one look at Gasnier in his and the palpable rage I feel for him quickly dissipated.
I did however notice he was a total man island in the changeroom. Everyone was totally ignoring him, even his former husband Hot Bitch Cooper. THEY BE PISSED AT YOU GAZ. By the way, Hornbag is totally Unimpressed by your contributions to the proceedings.
Now lets talk about Hot Bitch in his pink V. Ooooooh mama. On anyone else, pink seems to subdue masculinity, softening it into something benevolent and approachable. Not our Hot Bitch. The juxtaposition of pink on a man stallion of Cooper’s calibre was something quite remarkable. The pink somehow managed to make him seem more virile. I didn’t know that was even possible, but it is. He prowled that field like a lion in the savannah. All rippling muscles, manly potency and carefully controlled aggression. Lets not even talk about when it STARTED TO RAIN. It made my pink V really really happy. See what I did there? Made a dirty joke! Because Pink V is a metaphor for vagina. GET IT?
Okay lets talk about Mick Crocker. Forget headgear, the man needs to invest in a helmet for game days. He is way beyond modern aerodynamic cycling helmets. Mick has suffered so many brain injuries he needs help from the 1980s. Bitch needs a Stack Hat.
While we are talking about Crocker’s head, lets discuss what in Gods name is up with his hair. There is alot of balding men in the NRL, but Crocker doesn’t fit easily into that category. I don’t even think he’s balding. This is an entire new strain of hair weirdness. I have never seen hair like his on another man. Ever ever ever. Let us carefully and professionally examine this oddity -
There is only one conclusion. He suffers from chronic hair thinness and has sought to rectify the situation by using hair in a can. Thankyou Jerome Russell! Sorry Mick baby, but you’re gonna have to surrender your hair to airport security when you leave for England in 09. You know full well aerosols aren’t permitted on international flights.
Ryles getting sent off. Oh dear, Gavin Badger…you really are a twat of epic proportions aren’t you? Referee boss Robert Finch has already come out and said you were wrong, so lucky for you I am going to skip chastising you for now. Thank your lucky stars because I was totally gonna hurt you with my words of poison. Poison words!
Okay, so onto the fight. FIIIIIIIGGGGHT! I love fights. I love how quickly a civilised, professional game of rugby league can descend into mob violence. It makes me happy in my soul. And last nite was an absolute doozy. This shit was Origin worthy. It even had stages, three of them. The whole thing still seems surreal to me. Out of all the people to be involved in biff I cannot believe that it involved Tiny Dancer Soward, Flossy Nightingale and Billy I-Love-Pony-Club Slater. REALLY? You guys? REALLLY??
The best thing about this fight was the fact that PonyClub Slater rushed in from across the field to defend his boyfriend Cooper Cronk. Ain’t nobody be messin with my maaaans! (In my mind he’s a ghettofied black woman). Yes Billy, god forbid the tiny tiny Jamie Soward object to your boyfriend being a dirty little niggler. OH NOES!
You know Billy spent the whole time in the sin bin filing his ghetto nails and combing his fierce weave. Trust.
The second best thing about this dramaz is the way Hot Bitch Cooper stepped in and tried to break it up. Oh, that Coops, hes so measured in his responses. No flying off the handle for this perfect specicmen of a man. Oh no. Together with Hornbag he calmly and steadily grabbed players and steered them away from the fracas. And they obeyed him. Who wouldn’t?
My league loving friend Alex (hi boofhead!) sent me a text saying something like “look at Cooper breaking up the fight. He has such….presence”. Yeh, thats totally straight man code for I WOULD BEND OVER FOR MATT COOPER. It’s okay Alex, we all would.
(The magnificence above is thanks to our new account at Getty Images. I don’t want even want to say how much we paid for it. Lets just say when I turn it into a doona cover it will be totally worth it.)
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
it’s true. who wouldn’t bend over for matt cooper?
meanwhile I have decided hornbag is a bit passive aggressive. and I like it. just look at his bitter repressed facial expression in that photo. heart.
also my favourite part of The First Fight (apart from seeing lil floss throw a few punches, amazing) was that it split off into like five different fighting factions. if you’d shot that thing from above it would have looked like part of an olympic opening ceremony. great work, boys. very artsy.
pps I just wish you could see the image in my mind of billy runnin his nails down the fringe of his weave and eyeing off soward across the sin bin.
mmmmmm don’t you even think about touchin that gatorade bitch. that shit is miiine.
ok last comment I swear, but I give you:
http://img186.imageshack.us/img186/5889/796293am8.jpg
MICK CROCKER’S HAIR. possibly he is some kind of duck-man hybrid? who can say.
HAHAHAH DUCKMAN HYBRID. im dead.
duckman crocker.
uh-uh i would not accept Coops’ peen into my body. That’s you projecting sex-tape fantasies.
you are such a bad liar. talk about unconvincing.
Another good blog and the fight was awesome esp. Nightingale and Soward..haha funny story when i got my picture taken with Nightingale i told him he was my favourite player and he was speechless haha.
Michael Crocker… i swear he was one of the first into that fight…
I have been close to that head or more importantly hair and it is really really weird hair, kinda like those dolls that are supposed to look human.
I saw him driving home last night and i wondered if that’s even legal-YOU KNOCKED YOURSELF OUT TWO HOURS AGO MICHAEL! is what i wanted to say to him in his 4WD
omg duckman crocker is public menace.WHY IS HE DRIVING?
awww justin that is so cute. flossy is lovely. i want to hold his hand and give him eskimo kisses.
N.B. It was one of those little girly silver 4WD which made me laugh for some reason for a long time.
Hahaha Michael Crocker’s car.
OMG! I actually have a theory about his hair and that is he actually suffers from alopecia but is in denial and just continues to glue bits of blonde rug onto his head.
i wish i could use the sentence ‘bitch needs a stack hat’ every single day.
Maybe when crocker was a baby, those bits at the top of his skull never joined and so when he hits his head he actually hits his ‘brain’ and that’s why he always gets KO’d. I hear that’s what happens when babies are allowed to eat too much timber and their pets.
Girls you will be happy to know that since my last post i have managed to find peace within myself, my fondness of gaz has now been projected towards coops, Dont get me wrong i was a massive fan of coops b4, but know with all my “gaz love” now on him, well, you can just imagine my fondness for the third best center in the game now.
great post girls,
SCOTT! UR BACK! i missed your lolz.
yes project all your love onto coops. hes totally worthy. and he wont get up and leave us like Le Traitor.
alex…timber. bahahahahah.
PINK V.
hahahahahahahaha.
trust the lesbian to lol at my vagina joke. I LOVE YOU BEC.
And i love you, only slightly less than i love vaginas.
Okay, a lot less. But still.
Mick Crocker’s hair is indeed disturbing. But there is one other man that I know of who shares his coiffure.
His name is John Laws.
Oh god you’re so RIGHT!
I wonder if they’re related. Is it genetic? HOW DID IT GET TO BE THAT WAY?
I don’t like to think about it too much.
They both make me a bit sick.
FRUIT MARM?? greatest name so far on errol. who are u mysterious person?
bec guess what. i HAVE a vagina. one of my very own. so ur love for me and vaginas could come together in the one person. YEAAAAH.
I would like to marry you all. Twice, possibly even thrice
start saving greg, we all want a decent ring.
can we watch footage of Hot Bitch on our wedding night to get us in the mood?
I can grow a beard? And memorise excerpts from the man from snowy river…
wow. I’m kinda in the mood right now.