meet the nominees: biggest ranga in league 2008

This week Kiki and I think it’s time to get a little bit better acquainted with the five lucky boys nominated for this year’s Oh Errol Fantapants award for the biggest ranga in league. Not in a sexytimes way, mind you, because we are consummate professionals. 

This award is especially close to our heart, because we Errol girls believe strongly in equality.  Rangas today don’t seem to get the love they deserve, often unfairly being excluded from hottest man competitions. So in the interests of affirmative action for the redheaded lads, this year’s Fantapants award will be more heavily promoted than ever.

pic: Getty Images

It was a bumper year for rangas, too. We suffered a little over the last decade from a lack of ginge on the pitch, but the red army has come back stronger than ever. SIR, THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!  There is a plethora of rednuts at all levels of footy.  We even had to exclude the undeniably rangy Ben Jones as he had not, at the time of nomination, debuted into first grade.  

pic: Brett Costello / The Daily Telegraph

Next year, Ben baby! Next year.

ALAN TONGUE (RAIDERS)

First of all, Alan YOU BROUGHT THIS PICTURE ON YOURSELF. We didn’t want to use an unflattering photo, but what choice do we have? You’re a football player, and spend eighty minutes every football game wearing HEADGEAR. It’s tres inconvenient. Way to make our job difficult. Sigh. So yes, you get an injury photo. Don’t blame us.

Senor Tongue is not merely the fearless leader of the Green Machine, able to withstand the arctic Canberra temperatures with the help of his fiery mop. Last week I think I saw the entire team huddling around him for warmth like a gas heater in a beer garden. Or a metal trashcan filled with burning papers. He is also a footy player with the last name Tongue, which we assume makes him quite the handy fist-fighter.

JOEL MONAGHAN (RAIDERS)

pic: Getty Images

Often overlooked by the Ginger Association in favour of his teammate, Alan Tongue, Monaghan is a reticent ranga. Seems he enjoys hitting up his local Canberra salon for some subtle blond foils. A ranga in denial, if you will, fighting his natural state as a footballing Redwood. Can we really reward a ranga with no faith in himself? Does he need some love more than his more confident brothers? It’s a tough call.

PETER WALLACE (BRONCOS)  

pic: Getty Images

Joel Monaghan is not the only ranga in the league battling some self-acceptance issues.  North of the Tweed, Peter Wallace is also racking up the frequent-foiler stamps at Toni and Guy in Brisbane.  That is a full head of blond highlights if ever I’ve seen one.  It saddens us that the boys feel they have to hide their ranga light under a bleach bushel.  Let the fire roam free!

STEVE SOUTHERN (COWBOYS)

Pic:  ABC online

Red is not as one-dimensional as first glance might suggest.  We are nothing if not thorough researchers, and we have (had our interns) go through literally thousands of photographs of rosy-topped league players from day and night matches to determine quality of shade in variant light conditions and in relation to both home and away match uniforms.  

Our conclusion is that Steve Southern is pretty special.  He has looped around the colour wheel almost all the way back to green.  Amazing.

KEITH GALLOWAY (TIGERS)

pic: Getty Images

We enjoy Keith Galloway’s particular vibrant shade of fanta.  We also believe it takes a brave man to accessorise his range with bright orange.  So for that if nothing else, Galloway was a shoo in as a nominee. We think his chutzpah speaks for itself.  We also like to think that he was just as large as a schoolkid as he is now and didn’t even have to learn to fight; kids don’t mess with someone that badass.  Kiki likes to think of him as a man version of the imposing bully Francine from the Simpsons. Mancine, if you will.

Stay tuned for the results, kittens!