men we do not love: michael phelps

August 13th, 2008

Okay so this is officially my first non footy post. It takes Big Emotionz to shake me out of my footy haze. And that emotion is hate. I am in the grip of a hatin feveeer. As I’m sure regular Errol readers have realised, Sassy has many nemeses and enjoys shooting them down with her e-words of poison. I hate just as many people/things as Sassy, but I am far too lazy to write about them. Usually.

You see, I really love the Olympics. I am all over that shit. I was lucky enough to attend the Opening Ceremony for Sydney in 2000 and …..hold on kids, Kiki is gonna say something with actual sincerity: it was honestly one of the greatest moments of my life. Yes, really. Also one of the most emotional. As soon as those horses galloped out with the Australian flags I burst into tears and didn’t stop for the next 2 hours. Damn tears almost ruined my carefully applied boxing kangaroo face tattoos. Lucky I still had my glittery Aussie flag halter top from Supre to tide me over.

I’m sure it looked pretty on TV, but actually being there was just absolutely breathtaking. I have never seen or felt beauty like that, and I doubt I ever will again. Oooh Kiki has feelings. Who knew?

I am a tragic patriot and nothing makes me happier than seeing our Aussie babies do well. But I also just love watching athletes achieve their dreams. Dreaaaams….herrooooessss….teaaaaars! I am a disgusting sap, but I just can’t help it. Tonight I cried when the Chinese men won their synchronised diving gold medal. I also just really enjoyed yelling GO WANG GO at the TV. Heheh, his name means penis.

I say this because I want you all to know I am not completely adverse to foreigners winning medals over Australians. I ain’t no jingoist bitches!

Now, for the hate. Oh, Michael Phelps. Where do I begin? If there was ever a person that completely encapsulates the word douchebag – it’s him. He is thisclose to ruining my Olympics experience. Every time his head pops up on my television my skin literally crawls. The vein on my forehead pulsates with anger. My hands form fists and my nails dig into my palms. Oh god oh god oh GOD. I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

I like to order my thoughts, so lets further explore my hatred in point form. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you :

Reasons I Want To Slap Michael Phelps On The Face

1) The fact he walks out with an iPod shoved in his ears. Every other swimmer in the entire world seems to be able to make it from dressing room to diving block without music, but not Michael Phelps! He even listens to it while his competitors are being announced. Such humility, such respect. And you just know he is listening to Fiddy and thinking he is gangstaaaa. Coz he be AMERICAAAAN yo!

2) The way he celebrates. Yeh, he is an amazing swimmer. No one can take that away from him. But you know what? Being a champion doesn’t mean you have to carry on like an absolute tool.

I don’t even know what to say. It’s just….gross. The whole spectacle is just repugnant. If I was American I would be utterly mortified by him. This sort of behaviour is why the world hates America. Oh you thought it was the invasions and stuff? Nope. It’s the douchebaggery of their athletes.

Phelps, for future reference…. this is what a gracious winner looks like.

Try it sometime.

3) He says things like this - ‘”I’ve been given so many numbers in the past month. Girls will walk up to me and be like…call me!”.

4) His mere presence has the disturbing affect of turning our beloved Ryan Lochte into a bit of a fuckwit. DOUCHE GERMS. RUN RYAN RUNNNN!

5) And finally, the way Tumblr is spazzing out over him. Granted, at least it’s a change from the constant ‘ ZOMG Obama is the messiah!1!1!1′ hyperbole…but seriously, if one more person tumbl-wanks over him I am going to cut a bitch. The Phelps e-jizz is deadset splattered all over my dashboard and I am Not Happy.Someone today posted that he won gold despite water filling his goggles and ‘blinding him’. And he is totes a hero and omg lets suck his dick now. Bitch please, you don’t need to see to swim. I’ve swum my whole life without ever opening my eyes. And by ‘swum’ I mean floating around on a lilo sipping a cocktail, occasionally dipping underwater when my head gets too hot. But my point still stands.

You now what you do need to swim though? The ability to breathe. And if you want REAL swimming heroics, look no further than Our Grant Hackett. Who won a 15oo metre gold medal in 2004 with a collapsed lung.

AH-HAH! Take that Phelps!

*shadow boxes*

Tags: Posted by Kiki
Posted in australia, men we hate, olympics, wouldn't cry if they died | 41 Comments »

Adam the Queenslander

bahahahahahahaha

“the phelps e jizz”

bahahahahahahahaha
lozzy

also he wears his hoodie when he walks out. bitch you’re in an enclosed swimming arena, there is NO NEED for a hoodie.
Hazy

Ahhh I’m so there with the hatred of Michael Phelps. I really really hate him. He is really a douche of epic proportions.

On another note, I was in the opening and closing ceremonies of the Melbourne Commonwealth Games and even though the com games are shit and we (Oz) shit on all other countries, it was really one of the best experiences ever. Plus I got a super jazzy uniform that I yearn to wear once more. I still can’t believe they let me that close to athletes

Top Notch Post! i really hope Phelps doesn’t get his 8…
Kiki

adam loves my jizz joke!

hazy i cant believe they let u that close to athletes either.
Hazy

They also let me close to John Farnham… my lady bits just about exploded until I got pushed over by some excited Aussie athletes.

Wish I had been to or even seen any of the Sydney Olympics… I was in Alice Springs on my year 11 camp and I remember us trying to watch it in some pub but getting kicked out! I missed Erik the eel or whatever his name is… I still haven’t seen any of the footage. I feel like I missed out on a lot. I just nod and pretend I saw this dude trying to swim *cries*

P.s. Do my eyes deceive me or is that Michael Phelps small peen on display in that swimming suit pic?
bart

Ah, good to see you hatin’, Kiki. Let that hate flow… Phelps looks so frat-boy dumb next to a Thorpey.

And glad to see a pic of an actual anal douche (with attachment)… Errol is continuing to open my eyes in ways I never expected!
lozzy

as long as we’re not opening your anus in ways you never expected.
Bec.

Ahhhh, sweet Phelps hating release.

My girlfriend is a duel australian/american citizen, her mum is american and her mums whole family live in america. I try not to hold it against her.

HOWEVER, it means that whenever he comes on and i say ‘what a wanker’, she breathes fire and spits ‘you only hate him because he’s AMERICANNNNNNNN’ and then her head spins around.

But now i have been validated! It’s not because he’s american, it’s because he’s a WANKER.

Thankyou!
lozzy

bahhahaha bec. WE LIVE TO HELP!

oh errol – assisting couples arguments since ’08.
Kiki

Oh yes I don’t hate him coz he’s American…I love Americans (hi jessi and addie!).

I hate him because of well….all the reasons I’ve listed above. Btw we have already had a few google searches for ‘michael phelps hate’. Sweet.
Ranga Josh

Haha kiki it’s as effective to write ‘Michael Phelps hate’ as much as it is to write ‘ranga joke’ in google!

Oh Errol! Bringing googlers to their needs in ways no-one suspected.

Enjoy the anal douche Bart…

…I did. (Kidding…)
bart

Well Lozzy, I know you wouldn’t do that without seeking consent first

And what about that photo of poor Grant Hackett in tears. Now that’s sport!
Kiki

BAHAH oh the internets how u make me laugh. we just got these searches -

i hate michael phelps

michael phelps is a douchebag

THE PEOPLE AGREEEE!
Jessica

jesus h christ!

the penis through the suit.

i think you should stab the stabbing there.

meanwhile, MY EYES!

and the thing about it all is: HE’S NOT EVEN GOODLOOKING which makes it even more heinous. sorry, but if you’re not hot you have no right to act that way (you dont even if you are, but still.)
Rachel

Oh thank God someone said it. And I’m not just hatin’ because I’m British and we’re 9th in the medal table. I hate even looking at Phelps’ monkey face. My American boyfriend is convinced I am just pissed off because the guy’s an American beating everyone’s arses. Not so. If I hear “U-S-A NUM-BER ONE!” once more I’m likely to vomit. Not joking.
Kiki

stab the stabbing. i like that.
M

as an american, i can confirmed that i am ashamed of michael phelps/our entire olympic “spirit.” also, let’s not try to pretend he’s hot because of his body or something. even with the body of zeus and a paper bag on his head i still couldn’t get past his fugy face.
jessi

hahha kiz, thanks for the shout out to your personal team america! for the record, i didn't even know who he was till they made that annoying AT&T wireless ad on tv about the girl who misses her friend's call saying Phelps is signing autographs down the road. the girl sports a "phelps phan" t in the commercial. i get compulsively ill when it comes on. it's a truly annoying ad.

my only regret not having watched any olympic coverage so far is actually seeing all this in action. plus, i wonder if i would have noticed? am i jaded to the typical american douche-baggery displayed in sport?? i DO love baseball and the yankees! plus, let's face it- americans love to overreact.

then again, disinterest in olympic swimming is probably isolated to my own shallow world… fact is, i hate anything that involves getting my hair wet unless it's a shower.
blokeman

Oh how I hate the Olympics and swimming especially seriously, swishing my razor through the water in the sink on the odd morning I bother to shave my face, is far more interesting.
Actually cleaning up the dog crap in my yard is more interesting.

Olympics be shit!
bijoux

jesus he gets girls numbers (well obvs he does) are they BLIND?! (yes) I just hate him ‘coz he’s so god damn annoying and doesn’t suck, so yes everything you just said. he’s like the roger federer of swimming, he just won’t lose. (though fed is sucking more these days, thank god.)
Gabrielle

I’ve been a little bit of a lurker but when I saw this post I knew I had to say something.

Nobody has ever annoyed me the way Michael Phelps does. But what’s even worse is Australia’s obsession with him! It’s so annoying! The front page of sport sections, video montages with dramatic orchestral music and CONSTANT news coverage. What is with the infatuation?? He is AMERICAN. Why don’t we go on about our athletes like that???
Ugh it is soooo frustrating.

Great post Kiki =)
BStriddy

Phelps does have a whiff of vinegar about him, but then, he’s a dude in the 18-24 range, which would make it surprising if he weren’t kind of a douche. He doesn’t strike me as particularly different than any other athlete at that level, with that amount of attention.

What I really have trouble with is the non-stop hagiography and Phelps worship in the major media. There’s definitely a memo somewhere instructing all NBC employees to fellate Phelps as often as possible, rhetorically if not actually. But that’s not his fault, so I’m not drinking your Haterade, thanks.

You don’t like the way he celebrates. Fair enough, I guess, but don’t pretend Ian Thorpe never did anything similar. Or that he never stooped to cheesecake shots.

Finally, this schtick about Phelps’ “sort of behaviour is why the world hates America,” is a bit much, innit? I could say that the world hating Americans simply for winning is why Americans have become deaf to legitimate criticism, but both statements would be a little retarded.
thisismodern

Let’s just be all thankful Gary Hall Jnr’s not swimming this year.
Kiki

haha bstriddy have you ever read Errol before? keep in mind everything I say is tongue in cheek and unashamedly bias. go back and read my post again with that in mind. i think your response might be different.

as for everyone else…hooray! the phelps hate brought out the lurkers! how exciting. comment more please my darlngs! dont hide in the e-shadows!

jessi HIIII! i love you! oh no see i love how american baseball is. and i remember in Athens the mens sprint relay team won gold and were hilarious and carrying on dancing and doing muscle poses…. and i loved it. maybe coz they were black they could carry it off? and they were kinda takin the piss a little bit.

i think its coz phelps takes himself SO SERIOUSLY. also, his head just bothers me.
jessi

hahhahah love your comment Kizzy “maybe it was because they were black.” BA! it makes me miss you. and i love baseball too! but there is a generous display of douche baggness going on in that game: i.e. A ROD, Many Ramirez, Big Papi, Bonds, the list is endless. We pay A-ROD to pout and LOVE it.
Also, being from Tennessee I have to say I think we produced the biggest head (figuratively and literally) in sports history: one Peyton Manning.

In fact, he’s just about as fugly as Phelps. Separated at birth?! Perhaps. The large head, protruding ears, those noses… and it’s a good thing boy wears a swim cap. he’d never win if those ears were free to flow… they’re big enough to produce a wake!
lozzy

“i think its coz phelps takes himself SO SERIOUSLY.”

i really think thats it. if he did all the same stuff but kind of had a sense of humour about it, he wouldnt be even half as douchey. he has zero self awareness.
Kiki

yes exactly lozzy!!

okay i just googled peyton manning and SWEET JESUS HIS HEAD. terrifying.

hahaha jessi u miss my politically incorrect statements?? heart. seriously though black people are just inately cooler and can get away with shit white people cant. when they showboat and carry on it doesnt seem as douchey.

and like in the opening ceremony the Yank team were dressed in the most shocking outfits with these hideous white Kangol hats and most of them looked TERRIBLE.

but here come the black athletes with their fierce cornrows and their hat off to one side and they were just WORKIN IT.

sigh. being white is so boring.
Marlo

If you ask me why I dont like him, Id say its because he has obviously tucked his penis into his swimmers in an upward direction, rather than it being bundled down near his balls like how, oh, NATURE INTENDED. tool.
Jessica

Yes. Like marlo the hate all starts with the penis for me. And then i see his face, then notice his seriousness and it’s just like oh fuck off, will you.

I cant say i’ve ever liked thorpey. In fact, just hearing the name makes me want to stab myself.

I like our older school of swimmers. Pre-Sydney.
GoldPhelper

RE: gracious winners.

A)Soppy Australian, who’s pool deck interviews involves 15 uses of the word stoked?

B)Redfaced freckle head, who gushes about how proud they are to have swum a PB and won a relay leg?

C)The magnanimous restraint or giggling schoolgirl-schtick which accompanies any Australian Olympic achievement?

D)The best in the world, actually not looking jaded by winning yet another gold medal.

If he wants to show his abs to Vanessa Minillo he can do it. He’s about to win 8 gold medals.

If he wants to bump fiddy in his iPod he can do it. He’s about to win 8 gold medals.

If he wants to run into the Athletes Village swinging his 14 foot johnson around his head while wearing all 11 gold medals as a makeshift loin cloth he can do it.
sassy

bahahah hi james! I was wondering if you’d seen this post or not.

meanwhile it is my personal belief that he listens to lil wayne.
Bec.

Um, today on Sunrise they documented what Michael Phelps had for breakfast.

Hard hitting journalism at its best.

Also, they forgot to mention the baby hearts he finishes his meals off with.
lozzy

HAHAH bec. i just lold.

“D)The best in the world, actually not looking jaded by winning yet another gold medal.”

well of course he doesn’t look jaded, it’s really hard to emote with his head so far up his arse.

“If he wants to show his abs to Vanessa Minillo he can do it. He’s about to win 8 gold medals.”

Sure he can do it! Doesn’t change that he’ll look like a TOOL doing it.
Jessica

What do gold medals mean when you’re a straight up fucking idiot?
GoldPhelper

I’d prefer to have both 8 Gold Medals and be a complete fucking idiot.
sunili

Oh this post is so perfect.
Kiki

hi sunili! welcome to errol!

oh james, i disagree with everything you just said. but thanks for the ordered thoughts.
Kiki

also did you just use freckled as an insult? you just alienated most of Australia james. tsk tsk.
sassy

sunili – hi miss!
God-King Dean

i think its coz phelps takes himself SO SERIOUSLY.

lol

Yeah, what a terrible person. An Olympic record later…
Eve

Thank you for writing this!!! obviously im months and months behind but i want to throw in my two cents, i WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THIS PEICE OF SHIT. Towson High, i graduated in 2002. he walked around the place like he was hot shit. even the high school principal was after his ball sweat making us go to these stupid ass phelps parades that they would THROW FOR HIM and hell like that “fly michel fly” buttons we had to wear! AHH its just so horrible to know i lived through it! im just glad his douchbagery is not totally unnoticed. the water washed out his brain years ago!

men we do not love: michael phelps

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