men we love: michael robertson

Let me tell you a story, kittens.  A long time ago, in a mythical land known as ‘the locker room’ the nation of Manly were in mourning.  They’d been at war with the fearsome Melbourne, and lost, and all were deep in the sads.  But amongst them dwelled a man with joy in his heart and a desire to make all well again, so in the midst of his despair he leapt forth and performed the wang dance.

It made the world smile, and the proud nation fought on into the next year to finally claim victory over their nemeses.

That man was Mick Robertson.  Oh, Robbo.  Not only did he unwittingly do the wang dance in front of a pay TV cameraman who accidentally broadcast it on national television (I’m not linking it, you’ll have to look for it on youtube yourselves you lazy bitches).  He also prompted one of my favourite ever lines of news reporting:

While [Steve] Menzies is interviewed by a journalist after the NRL decider on September 30, Robertson can clearly be seen in the background swirling his genitalia.

“SWIRLING HIS GENITALIA”.  If that didn’t win a Walkley then Australian journalism is in trouble like woah.  And yes, I know he said it was embarassing, but clearly we don’t think so.  The Oh Errol office is proudly pro-pantslessness.  We employ Intern John-John, and that should say it all.

But forget about the swirling talk (hehe swirling, it’s still funny).  Know what he did this year?

Pic: Sam Mooy

Oh, just scored three tries in a premiership-winning side, that’s all.

Just wrote himself into the history books as one of three people in a hundred years to get the grand final hat-trick.  Meh.

Skilfully avoided Billy Slater’s flying kung-fu kicks to ground the ball.

You know, just equalled the record for the most tries scored in a Grand Final, in the game with the biggest margin in League history.  Whatevs.

And when he had the chance to score a fourth try and be the only man in history to score four in a Grand Final … he off-loaded to the Beav instead.

“That was the most exciting part for me … giving the pass to Beaver to score,” Robertson said.

“I knew he was there. It will be a highlight for me for a long time.”

That bitch is a giver.

But I’m starting to think maybe even Robbo is about to hit the wall on charity.

Consider: Davey Williams’ performance in his first ever final earned him a Kangaroos jersey and 22,000 news articles.

Robbo’s hat-trick earned him 2,000 mentions and a spot in the Scottish team.  (Um, no offence, Scotland. I love the bagpipes in ‘You’re the Voice’! My family name is originally MacNeill! I’m one of youuuu! Please don’t smother me in tartan).

Seriously. Are they trying to make him feel unloved?  Is he invisible?  WHAT DOES A BOY HAVE TO DO TO GET ASKED OUT AROUND HERE?  Robbo’s too pretty to be a wallflower! 

Oh, but what about the beard, you say!  It’s the wolfman beard.  It’s so unique and noticeable.  That’s what draws attention and makes all the difference.  That’s why Robbo has been unceremoniously booted from all the Manly grand final limelight.  He’s just not as distinctive.

Pic: Mark Evans

Maybe Robbo’s too nice to disagree, but if he wasn’t, he would totally say I HAD IT FIRST, BITCHES.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

I am outraged.  And I have decided to take on Robbo’s cause, because I love an underdog.  I resent that he’s become the Jan Brady of Manly (TM Kiki).  I’m worried that everyone falling all over Dave ‘Marcia’ Williams might send him over the edge.

Look at him!  Even at semi-finals time he was getting close to snapping.   I worry for his mental health.

Dave: MATE, can you believe we’re in the finals? Birds have been all over me.
Robbo: … yeah, it’s pretty sweet.

Dave: I’m not even kidding. They’re wolfman crazy! Can’t keep their hands off me.
Robbo: ….

Dave: I’ve had to break up fights down at the Steyne, for reals.
Robbo: …

Dave: I just say look, ladies. Ladies, ladies, calm down. There’s enough of the Wolfman to go round.
Robbo: … kill me.

Coincidence it was him that shaved off Dave’s beard?  Hmmm?

Oh, Robbo, honey. Don’t worry. We see you! And with Steve Bell and the Beav moving on next year, you are totally the front-runner for Lozzy’s new Manly hubby. Come on over for gins and snuggles whenever you feel down.