men we love : phil gould

I feel Phil ‘Gus’ Gould and I are kindred spirits. We have alot in common. Like Gus, people tend to either adore or despise me. Like Gus, footy causes me to be either deliriously happy or unspeakably rageful. Like Gus, we are both experts in our fields. Gus being an infinitely knowledgable football deity, me being well….okay so we differ a tiny bit here. Having said that, no one quite deconstructs the different levels of NRL hotness like me. I mean before Errol did any of you even know there is a distinct difference between Snuggly Attractive and Hot Bitch Attractive? I THINK NOT!

To be frank, Gus cracks my shit up. I love that he has no filter between brain and mouth and regularly says stuff that everyone else is thinking but lacks the courage/balls to say. I love that he never even attempts to keep his commentary sensible or restrained. In our white bread politically correct media, Gus Gould is bloody refreshing. His passion is inspiring and entertaining. Enough of the please-don’t-offend-anyone-bullshit. It’s BORING. Gus keeps things interesting. For realz.

I love the chemistry he has with Ray ‘Rabs’ Warren. Their casual bickering and regular tangent going brings weekly lolz. Sassy and I have realised they are pretty much our future. Hetero life mates for the win! Their little marriage arguments cut rather close to home for us. Like the time we had a full blown fight in the fruit and veg section of Bondi Junction Coles, debating which berries are currently in season (IT’S STRAWBERRIES NOT CHERRIES SASSY) while Underbelly’s Damien Walshe Howling looked on in horror.

In case you’re wondering…he was buying organic yoghurt and a single stalk of broccoli. And Sassy made eyes at him while she sexily ate a cherry. Whore.

Errr…back to Gus. My favourite thing about him is his palpable hatred for all things video ref. Me too Gus! I hates it toooooo! Whenever the VR makes a stupid decision (ie every single week) Gus becomes so enraged he can’t even speak. It’s just silence and then….NOOOOO! NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO! And then a 5 minute soliloquy about how it’s ruining the game. I love when he does this. I join in by yelling expletives and angrily throwing projectiles at the TV. Ahhh its so great. Gus and I have such fun together!

He is also partly responsible for converting people to our beautiful game. Newest Manly Fan Lozzy recently accosted me, asking why the hell I had never told her how hilarious the commentators are and if she had known this she would’ve been a footy fan since birth. I think it was Gus and Rabs’ debate on at exactly what age teams stop receiving oranges at half time that won her over. Also Davey Williams’ luxurious beard. And Matt Ballin’s arse.

I love Gus so much that I actually miss his commentary when I go to a game. Seriously. I feel a bit lost without his hilarious histronics. Do you think he would be up for coming along, sitting next to me and providing one on one commentary? I might write him a letter.

Unfortunately not everyone enjoys the awesomeness of Gould. Gus has alot of haters. Fools! The lot of them! If any of you want to hate on Gus, you have to come through me first. I took a boxing class once. Do NOT underestimate my aptitude for physical violence. You have been warned.