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men we love: the kookaburras

August 11th, 2008

Damn these Olympics. It’s fair to say that we have kind of lost our minds in all the excitement. If Olympics is my crack then I’m pretty much Doherty right now. I should just give up and start painting pictures of the Olympic rings on my flat walls with my own blood.

To give you an idea of just how far gone we are, the Qantas Liesel Jones ad just came on tv and Kiki and I both had to take off our geek glasses to wipe away the tears. It was the war veteran in the medals that really did us in. IT’S ALL JUST SO EMOTIONAL.

We are also in the middle of a spirited debate on whether beach volleyball is a sport that can be legitimately included in the Olympic Games. On the one hand, it’s hot people in skimpy outfits. On the other hand, it’s hard to eat a pack of tim tams looking at that. In the pro column, the crazy Chinese DJ just played Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’ and Tie Me Kangaroo down, but more importantly – is it even beach volleyball if there’s no beach? That’s not a beach. I think it’s just a sandpit. At least at the Sydney games there was a real beach. GOD NOW I’M ALL CONFUSED.

Let’s just get back to men we love. That always soothes my brain. Also, my pants.

We are no fair-weather Kookaburra fans. We have been all over our hockey-playing boys since … well, ever. It makes no sense, because we know no one who plays hockey, and we’re certainly not hockey-playin gals. Kiki because she has no hope of ever simultaneously coordinating her legs, her arms and a hockey stick, and me because I played it for two weeks in year five and was politely asked to transfer to netball because I was too violent to be trusted with a stick of any kind. True story.

Kiki is proud to say to that her best ever Olympic experience was spending two weeks after a tonsillectomy dosed up on painkillers and watching every single event through a pethadine haze. Apparently she was so overcome with excitement when the Kookaburras finally took out the Dutch in the 2004 gold medal match – after years in the hockey wilderness and the shadow of the Hockeyroos – that she burst a blood vessel in her throat. She may have been sitting on her own in the living room at 5am and choking on her own blood but that didn’t stop her screaming. True story.
Why is it that we kind of hate soccer, which seems to have almost exactly the same rules, but hockey is so amazing? Who knows. It Just Is.
One reason might be that our boys are so universally adorable. Perhaps even more adorable than their coach, Barry Dancer. Best. Name. Ever.
Have you met Desmond Abbott? Little Des just scored two fantastic goals against the Canadians in his first ever Olympics and made our hearts dance. There are not enough men named Des in this world. REPRESENT, LITTLE DESSY!

The Aussie hockey site tells me Des is an exciting, silky skilled midfielder/striker. Silky! We love you silky Des.

It also tells me that Jamie Dwyer – our fearless hockey captain – goes by the nickname Foetus. FOETUS. I love Australians. We greeted the news of his corked thigh in tonights hockey game with twin cries of ‘nooooo, not foetus!’ We’re ever so glad it’s just a muscle strain, foetus darlin.
Did I forget to mention that the Kookaburras are the whoriest team in the whole competition? No, sleeveless tops aren’t regulation, and yes, other teams wear sleeves. What can we say? Our boys just like to show off their incredibly toned and tanned arms and … wait what was I saying? Oh yes. THEIR GUNS NEED TO BREATHE! DON’T LOCK THE GUNS AWAY!
I especially enjoyed Matthew Wells’ bare arms waving his hockey stick at the umpire in the Australia-Canada match to dispute a decision. Ooooooh angry mans. Matty Wells can give me a bit of stick anyday.

Hockey has that magical property, like firefighting uniforms, of making everything uncontrollably hot. On a related note do you think they mist them in between halves? They’re all so … glistening. It also has the massive advantage of involving hockey sticks, so we can make as many pervy ‘stick’ jokes as we like (see above).

Possibly my only complaint is that the 2008 boys have decided not to sport their seventies terry headbands this Olympics. Bring them back, babies? Just for me?

Tags:
Posted in australia, mans, men we love, olympics | 18 Comments »

  • thisismodern

    Ditto, except replace kookaburras with hockeyroos and bulging biceps with sexy legs and we are symbiant beings. I love those girls.

  • sassy

    ooh yes we love them too. so golden! so pretty! don’t worry they’re on the way soon james.

  • thisismodern

    Oh, yeh, and that Qantas ad. I got a problem with the war vet bit. It’s all like

    “Okay Jack, now we know you fought the Huns in North Africa, sustained shrapnel injuries to your pelvis, before being shipped to New Guinea to fight the Japs on the Kokoda track in blood and filth, then went on to Borneo and held your brother in your arms dying, screaming ‘WHYYY GOD WHY?!!?!?’, before being repatriated to Australia as an invalid… but could you possibly refer to our overpaid sportsmen and women as heroes?”

    “Do I still get my mashed bananas?”

    “Of course you do Jack. ACTION!”

  • Ranga Josh

    Y’know…ask my mum this…but I sat on the couch with her tonight watching the game against Canada.

    I said out aloud “Y’know, these guys are probably gonna be blogged by the Errol girls”

    And my mum had the usual golden reaction.

    “What sort of mother names her daughter Errol?”

  • Kiki

    james

    one day all the elderly people you have mocked will rise up as one and beat you to death with their walking sticks.

  • Kiki

    hahaha josh you know us so well.

    also ur mum…HEART.

  • Ranga Josh

    Kiki now you’re gonna give me nightmares about elderly people beating me with walking sticks, even though it was directed to James.

    Damn zombie movies.

    As you can tell at 2:39 in the morning I haven’t slept, so it’s probable it can still happen.

    Wheee.

    Haha also told mum about who you were etc. She was like ‘aww you have a fan club’ and then gave evil looks to the Fattamatta jokes.

    We all know Parra doesn’t Matta.

  • thisismodern

    No no no, I’m mocking the ad maker.
    I’d never mock our war vets.
    Except for the mashed ‘nanas bit, which, let’s face it, was Lots Of Laughter.

  • lozzy

    DAMMIT why didnt i watch this?

  • Bec.

    I only read the first little bit of the blog, but i have to say something. I agree with thisismodern – how ridiculous to have a war vet telling the olympians to come home heroes. NO. Footballers aren’t heroes. Olympians aren’t heroes. Stephanie Rice isn’t corageous. They play sport people! That’s it.

  • sassy

    I know right bec? (and james). I have said that same thing so many times before and meant it.

    SO WHY DOES IT STILL MAKE ME CRY?

    I don’t even know myself anymore.

  • Bec.

    Is it because Liesel Jones mass murders all of them, by zipping up her suitcase thereby suffocating everyone inside, including the token aboriginals, farmers, old people, kids and war heroes?

  • Kiki

    Oh no I agree with u kids on the heroes thing. And that ad is totally contrived and cheesy. I think our point was we have lost our minds so much that we are crying eventho we KNOW its a ridiculous ad.

    And that maccas ad gives me goosebumps too. A MACCAS AD.

    Bloody Olympics they turn me into a marketers dream. I haven’t cried during the national anthem yet….but I’m sure I will.

  • lozzy

    eep the boys just won 10-nil against south africa.

  • sassy

    I like to think our support spurred them on.

  • Bec.

    South Africa were wearing sleeveless tops as well. Whores.

  • sassy

    oooh you know that almost makes me like them.

    go you whorey saffas!

  • Kiki

    oh they read errol and were like OMG THEY LOVE US, LETS SCORE GOALS. its the only explanation.

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