men we love (who lose at real life)

Kids, it’s time to put a bit of a spin on our Men We Love posts. A TWIST! I NEVER SAW IT COMING! BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST! We realised there’s a very particular type of male celebrity that needs to be Seriously discussed – a man that regularly confuses our ladytarts by being super lovable/sexable when in a controlled environment (ie. with lots of people telling him what to wear/what to say/how to fake normality) but looking deadset Crazytimes whenever they’re allowed to fend for themselves in the wild.

These men are EVERYWHERE. We thought of at least 6 examples off the top of our heads, which is the equivalent of one regular person without a penchant for vodka thinking of like, 20 examples. In fact there were so many of them that in deciding which one to post about first, we had to get Lachie to wheel in our trusty whiteboard and draw up a flowchart. And by ‘flowchart’ I mean ‘game of Hangman’ (No John John, the answer is NOT ‘stiffy’). We are pretty much anthropologists.

I know what some of you are thinking right now. “This has NOTHING to do with NRL. I CAME HERE FOR THE FOOTY/ASS (DEPENDING ON SEXUAL ORIENTATION)”. Anyone who’s thoroughly confused and Just Wants Footy, there’s a link on the sidebar to the left (to the left, everything you own in a…ah fuck it) that will take you right to sweet, sweet football with nothing in between.

Our first case study is Emile Hirsch. Let’s start with the good. Here he is as Jay Adams in Lords of Dogtown ie. here he is being a hot bitch:

Blonde! Cute! Skater! Our vag’s are dancing in unison.

Scruffy Into The Wild Emile WITH VINTAGE HOT BITCH SEAN PENN. In a cowboy hat! Our vag’s are now shimmying with all their might. And just for fun, here he is doing his best David Williams:

No you can’t stroke my face and call me Davey.

As you can see from the first half of our study, Mr Hirsch displays an extensive array of hot. Bitch is versatile. You’d think that would translate into Real Life right? Wrong. In his spare time, Emile likes to break our hearts by dressing/wearing his hair like this:

I don’t actually know what to say, so I’ll steal straight from GFY‘s genius wit:

Emile Hirsh IS Colonel Sanders in A Tale of Two Breasts, Wings and Thighs: The KFC Story premiering Tuesday on Bravo. Costumes by Valentino. Hair by Kevin Federline.

Why does he look so jovial? It’s like he enjoys torturing us. Fuck you, Emile (not in that outfit though).

BUT THAT WAS ONE TIME, I hear you say. WRONG. Emile gets it wrong on more than one occasion.

DOUBLE DENIM. A CANADIAN TUXEDO. Lord knows I’m blind to most fashion rules, but double denim is a heinous, heinous crime. Not only that, but his jacket is BUTTONED. Oh honey, no.

Our vag’s are now crying in a dark corner. These things always end in tears.

all pics via emile-h.com