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my name is justin, and I have ocd

June 27th, 2008

Despite being the vessel for some of God’s great gifts to his children – namely Sexyback, and Like I love You – it’s no secret that Justin Timberlake is a massive douche. From his heinous famewhore girlfriend to his sad attempts to be cool by wearing shoes like Brad Pitt’s, to his Britney sellout Cry me a River video: douche. I can’t say it enough – douche.

Saddest of all, he’s not even a diverting douche, like Kanye West, he’s just … sad. Sad, and beige.

This may be why he announced to the media:

“I have OCD mixed with ADD. You try living with that. It’s complicated.”


As someone who feels pretty knowledgeable about, and sympathetic towards, most psychological and psychiatric disorders … I CALL BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT, JT! I know what you’re doing you superior twat, and it won’t work. Not even an anxiety disorder can make you anything but beige. YOU WILL NEVER BE INTERESTING.

People pull this fake-dark or odd-and-interesting thing all the time, and it makes me wanna cut a bitch. They turn up to dinner and announce in the restaurant they’re allergic to wheat, order a salad, then when the bruschetta comes they’re all “well I’m not a coeliac or anything, I’m just a little bit allergic”. HANDS OFF MY HERB BREAD BITCH.

Or they meet you at someone’s party, compliment you on your shoes, then confide that they are totally manic-depressive.

It’s also what Ashlee Simpson did:


When she was 11 and taking ballet classes, the 21-year-old Simpson tells Cosmopolitan magazine, she had a brush with anorexia.“I was around a lot of girls with eating disorders, and I actually had a minor one myself,” says Simpson, who at one point stood 5’2″ but only weighed 70 lbs.

“My parents stepped in and made me eat,” she goes on to say, adding that it was “about six months of not eating too much at all.” The family support, she says, “really helped a lot.”

… and Mandy Moore:

“A few months ago I felt really low, really sad. Depressed for no reason. I’m a very positive person, and I’ve always been glass-half-full, so it was like someone flipped a switch in me. I wanted to figure out why.”

Yep, they were totally sick. But just for a few months, you know. Long enough to have some ‘dark secrets’ to talk about, not long or badly enough to need any kind of medical intervention or feel any emotion or reluctance in talking about it.

I could get on my high-horse about mental illnesses not being accessories, but that’s not even the point.

The lesson, children, is this: If you need to manufacture illness to have something noteworthy to say … just give it up bitches.

Illness is not “interesting”. Personality disorder is not a substitute for personality. And Justin Timberlake will never be anything but beige.

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Posted in wouldn't cry if they died | No Comments »

  • lozzy

    fuckin a.

  • Kitty

    I call bullshit? Did you just quote How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days? Because if you did, I just might love you a little bit more.

    Meanwhile HANDS OF MY HERB BREAD BITCH is the call of the day. Faux food intolerance is a sackable offence in my book.

  • sassy

    squeee I did indeed kitty my love. (in my head I also wrote it in a mateo southern accent).

  • cheeky_chappie

    Surely having ADD would cancel out your OCD, Justin? No? Or maybe not lying would cancel them both out, yeah? Yeah.

    Even D-Beck ((c) Snoop Dogg) claimed to have OCD:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-381802/The-obsessive-disorder-haunts-life.html

    Having cans in straight lines and facing the right way in the fridge isn’t unusual though, is it? I do that with my Supermarket Own-Brand UKWarmBeer and I don’t claim to have OCD.

    *arranges pens at right angle to keyboard*

  • sassy

    I love that you always have informative links sam. it’s very ‘… here’s a douche I prepared earlier!’

    that’s more proof as far as I’m concerned that becks should never ever speak.

    ps I use matching pegs when I hang out the clothes. does that make me ocd too justin?

  • mscynic

    You are too cruel. If I was wearing jeans tucked into homeless boots and unidentified oblongs in my pockets, I would claim mental illness too.

    Where is your heart, Sassy?

  • M

    hi there, i found your blog on the post about baby high heels on bitch and i think you may be my long-lost blog twin. anyway, you guys are awesome and i am going to add you to my links.

    here’s a post i wrote about justin timberlake being a douche: http://ripittoshreds.blogspot.com/2007/11/dick-in-box-withstanding.html

  • sassy

    M! I’m so glad you like our blog! And more importantly that you’re with me on the JT issue. if it helps, I rationalise the brilliance of dick-in-a-box by thinking that it was all Andy Samberg who made that happen. JT was just along for the ride.

  • sassy

    ps – mscynic I KNOW. THAT OUTFIT. it kills me in the heart. there is no excuse for that.

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