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origin II: rise of the machine … and the #boganboner

June 16th, 2011

Er, well, this is a little awkward. Want to know who won our Cattledog Minutes comp for State of Origin II? Um … no one. The biff was absent. The closest we got to a melee was Michael Ennis opening his mouth and screaming YEAAAAAH like a deranged Eddie Munster into Sam Thaiday’s face. And did we enjoy it? Fuck yes!

We loved it almost as much as this moment:

When Nathan Hindmarsh accidentally walked through shot while Jebediah put on the pre-game entertainment. Oh Hindy, we love you more than life. Especially for tweeting the evidence, because Kiki missed it during the game. There are many things that Would Only Happen In Rugby League. The swine flu outbreak of 2009, brawls in a charity match to raise money for flood victims, heads being stapled up on the sideline…and of course, the moment above. LOVE YA RUGBY LEAGUE!

But back to Ennis: does it count as Cattledog? Sadly, no.

So instead, we’re saving this game’s prize, and next game there will be TWO prizes. One for the closest Queenslander and one for the closest Blue. We are all about fairness.

Luckily, in place of a a biff, we had 80 full minutes of New South Wales glory. Let’s break it down, shall we?

SOMETHING OLD

Oh, Anthony Minichiello, how we missed you! No one teaches children how to count like you do. If we ever needed proof that old men still got it, Mini brought it. Under the high ball? Safe as houses! He probably has many of them, too, as investment properties, because he’s old. Seriously, he’s in his thirties. That’s like being 80 in regular person years, and we all know old people love real estate. Plus he had to do something with all that spare time while he recuperated from injury.

Mini’s catch of the high ball in-goal was a thing of beauty, and seeing him sail over for a try brought a tear to Sassy’s eye. He’s a recycled fullback but he’s as good as new. Plus, he matches beautifully with our recycled coach, Ricky Stuart, recycled centre, Mark Gasnier, and shiny recycled utility book-ends Kurt Gidley and Luke Lewis.

One of our favourite hobbies is saying Kurt Gidley ruins things. Because, well, he often does. Not necessarily through incompetence or malice, but usually, just by being where he’s asked to be.

Gidley can ruin an Origin game out on the field the same way a whale ruins a picnic table … just by being on it.

Gidley ruins Origin the way a fly ruins a bowl of soup. Or a bird poo ruins a perfectly clean car. It’s all about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And by wrong place, we mean ‘captaining from the bench’, or ‘NSW fullback’. Sure it’s not his fault, but when the bird’s not around, you get angry at the poo. You know?

Know where he doesn’t ruin things? PLAYING INTERCHANGE DUMMY HALF.

Seeing Gidley come off the bench last night was like seeing a whale leap back into the ocean.

FREE GIDLEY! SWIM FREE OUR PROUD BALINE FRIEND!

He was quick with the ball from the ruck, his off-loads were sneaky and plentiful. It’s not a coincidence that when he came on the NSW attack lifted in intensity. We were approx. 62% more dangerous. It’s just science.


What can a girl say except #BOGANBONER?

And if Free Gidley was responsible for 18% of that made up statistic, our man Luke Lewis was the rest. What a spectacular human. When Josh ‘Hot Bogan’ Dugan was felled by injury we were worried our bogan quota would go unfilled but thankfully for NSW, Luke Lewis came roaring into the side. AND HOW! In years to come, aliens will try and figure out our culture by watching video of him looming from the right of frame, powering like a cannon ball to slam into Cooper Cronk (lucky for Fierce Bitch Cooper he is partly adamantium and therefore uncrushable) and save a Maroons try.

Sassy told Twitter last night that she was starting to have the kind of thoughts about Luke Lewis  that lead to dreams of getting married in Penrith and serving home brew at the reception, and after a night to think about it Kiki’s totally on board too. How can we resist that frosty-haired spunk? LUKE. CALL US YOU HOT ANGRY BOGAN.

Whats that? How can you guys have a crush on a man who proudly sports blonde foils in the year 2011? Pleaaaaase. Everyone knows Australian sporting power prowess has a direct connection to hair bleach and streaking caps. See below.

Now all of you kneel and pay homage to the lord of the #boganboner. Thanks.

SOMETHING NEW

Oh good lord, Will Hopoate. What are you doing to us, boy? Playing with so much confidence, scoring a try in the corner like a less-Maroon and less-hateful Justin Hodges, deciding to leave us for two years, LOOKING LIKE THAT. If having dirty thoughts about a 19 year old Mormon is wrong, we don’t wanna be right. Don’t lie, you all did too. Even the straight men.

As much as we respect his choice to go on his mission and spend two years testing young ladies’ ability to concentrate on things other than staring at Hoppa, we can’t wait for him to come back into the loving arms of NSW. Ho.Ju you are a revelation, to the fans AND to newspaper sub-editors who get to make up witty ‘mission’ headlines about you. Also, we hope you enjoyed the slightly smuttier ‘missonary’ jokes we made on Twitter during the game.

At first we were mourning the loss of such a beautiful caramel man to religion, then Errol bestie and generally awesome human, Bec, suggested that we should take advantage of his Mormonism and…wait for it….MARRY HIM! This is the best idea we’ve ever heard and have so far recruited Errol friendz Kaz and Anna to be our sister wives. We love big hair and pastel colours and communal kitchens. This can’t go wrong!


The Hopoate sister wives agree, their husband’s eyelashes really are spectacular.

And come on down, NSW’s new starting five-eighth!

Jamie Soward has long been an Errol fave. We didn’t come late to the party. We are always ahead of the pack, some may call us innovators, cultural zeitgeists and visionaries…. and we have to agree. Much like Uncle Wayne, we’ve always believed in Sowie’s ability. Unlike Uncle Wayne, we say things like ‘fuck all y’all haterz’ when he plays his heart out and proves bitches everywhere wrong.

We honestly don’t understand the Sowie hate. He is adorable. A bossy little bitch who kicks like an angel and yells at us for running in a water park (long story). The biggest criticism he cops is that he doesn’t run at the line enough. Or that when the game is on the line he doesn’t make the big plays. Well now…take one look at that try he set up for Mini and you tell us….IS THAT A LINE RUN OR WHAT? HUH? BIG PLAY YES? Yeh, thought so. Now all of you eat your words while we watch and clap with delight, confirming once again : we are always right.

 

SOMETHING BORROWED

Usually, this section would be about Greg Inglis.

GET IT? CAUSE HE’S BORROWED FROM NEW SOUTH WALES?

But GI was surprisingly quiet last night. Quiet, and fumbly. Is he okay? (Serious question … is he?)


Machines don’t smile.

So instead, we’re gonna borrow a nickname from our idols Roy and HG, and give it to the the mighty Blues captain … O Gallen, our Captain!

We crown him the new Brick with Eyes. He’s completely rectangular and he can play Origin like a demon for a full 80 minutes. He is a straight up FREAK.

Last year (or maybe the year before, we’re bloggers not historians people!) in an argument about Toyota Park and the Sharks in general (you know we love hating them) we said the road to redemption for Gallen was to forget about the media and just focus on cleaning up his game on the field. He has. And he’s better, no? You don’t need to fuck around when you can play like that.

Luke Lewis agrees.

SOMETHING BLUE

Or, 17 something blues. Plus Tommy Learoyd-Lahrs. And Ronnie Palmer. And Jim Dym .. LOOK WE’RE JUST REALLY PROUD. OF ALL OF YOU.

To paraphrase Mitchell Pearce, it was the one of the Best Origins EVER. Greg Bird was so happy! Anthony Watmough actually broke up a fight instead of starting one! Aku Uate ran the ball as hard as Paul Gallen! Trent Merrin existed and/or was adorable:


(that one’s from Gregg Porteous)

Next step: to win the series-slash-ruin Darren Lockyer’s farewell. Like that time we stopped Queensland getting a tropical holiday. Oh man that was sweet.

Here’s to New South Wales, bogans, pettiness and victory!

  • http://twitter.com/belladilemma Emma Louise

    I’ve already rewatched the game. I can’t get enough of the #footyboner