reason #26 why I will never understand the mans

I have a confession to make. While I like to think of myself as vaguely talented at some things – like Irish accents, and applying liquid eyeliner, and analysing early 20th century poetry – other things just aren’t really my bag. And one of those is Proper Relationships. I am unequivocally crap at them. I love the mans, it’s just that the thought of being An Official Couple with one makes me feel like I’m about to break out in hives.

I start out ok in the relationship game. Girl Meets Boy, I’m fine with. Girl Dates Boy doesn’t worry me. Girl Kisses Boy is kind of my specialty. It’s just some of the bits that come after: the kissing each other in public in daylight, meeting people’s parents, changing your facebook status, using the word ‘boyfriend’ and OH MY GOD IS IT JUST ME OR ARE THE WALLS CLOSING IN A LITTLE BIT?

And don’t worry, I won’t go into why I’m like this because people who use the internet as a shrink are totes tragic. Yes?

But being the freak I am has made me realise all the more clearly that every single boy in existence seems to think every girl in existence is aching to be someone’s Girlfriend. And there is nothing that you can say or do to make them think otherwise. It outrages me, because as well as being terrified of being tied down, I am a proud bitch, and being misrepresented offends my sense of pride.

Kiss a boy but don’t shag him, and he thinks it’s a ruse: withholding sex to try and lure him into a relationship so he can get it. Kiss a boy then shag him, and he thinks it’s a ruse: luring him in with the sex then blackmailing him with it to get him to commit. (I’m not quite sure what happens when you don’t kiss a boy because I’ve never been able to manage that but let’s assume it’s more of the same).

What is it about a girl who gets your name wrong that suggests she is looking for a life mate? And in what way does drinking box wine on someone’s terrace at 4am imply that you are there for long-term romance? Is buying a pizza in the street together some international suggestion that you move in together that I’m just not aware of?

Because every one of these things has led to the ‘Official Disclaimer’.

‘It’s just that I’m really not looking for a long-term relationship right now’

Oh, really?

It has also, once, led to a man trying to avoid me because he thought I would fall to pieces if I found out he had a new girlfriend. Narcissistic, much?

Excuse me while I combust with rage. Whatever logic these boys are following doesn’t stop them hitting on you, but they include the disclaimer anyway. I have tried to figure this out for about eight years now, and I’m not there yet. I don’t phone-stalk boys. Not even when I’m drunk. I’ve never accidentally said out loud to someone ‘OMG I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES’. So I don’t see how it’s me per se that is giving out commit-to-me vibes.

So why the don’t-get-attached speech? I’ve conducted wide-ranging surveys and pash-experiments; I even asked Intern Brownie what he thinks, but he’s happily married so was no help at all.

Maybe it’s because chick-flicks have given us all a reputation as man-obsessed marriage-seeking pods. Maybe Fatal Attraction has made men paranoid. Maybe they’re so self-obsessed and egotistical that they can’t possibly believe anyone could resist wanting to be with them forever. I’ve even wondered whether it’s because guys are often completely insecure about the ladees and want to emotionally reject someone first to avoid potential emotional rejection.

And worst of all, then I realise I’ve wasted full minutes of my life worrying about something that annoys me. It’s the same feeling of frustration and regret I get after reading a Samantha Brett column. So in the interests of my mental health I guess I have to let it lie, but if anyone has the answer, the Pope will bless you if you tell me what it is. Just print this out and take it to Randwick Racecourse.

PS It occurs to me as I post this that it will push my beloved High School Musical 2 post off the front page. So for my own sake: here’s Chad again.