round 4 – kiki’s round of death

The graphic says it all. I have always asserted that I am not particularly competitive (an assertion that Sassy strenously disagrees with). But I can’t even deny it any more. Last round was an epic failure on every imaginable level and I am still pissed off. I REALLY HATE LOSING. Especially when it’s something that I am supposed to be somewhat of an ‘expert’ on. Stop giggling, I have expertise. Kind of.

Round 4 was an absolute write off for me. Just….bad. So SO bad. Let me walk you through my Round of Death, step by step.

DIASTER #1

The Dragons lose. Of course no footy fan likes it when their team loses, but I got totally spoilt last year when they won almost every game. I forgot what loss feels like. But the Dragons reminded me on Friday night. And HELLO I HATE IT. I wish I could say I was loyal and watched the whole game, but 10 minutes in I couldn’t stand the tension anymore, looked up the result, choked back tears, then demanded the TV be switched off. I won’t lie, when my boys lose I turn into a sooky little girl.

I totally stomped around the house and kicked my clean washing across the floor in rage. There is no one I hate losing to more than bloody Melbourne. I have so many issues with them, where to begin? First of all, it’s a team full of Dirty Queenslanders. No one likes Queenslanders, it’s just science. Second of all, if you’ve ever watched a Melbourne home game you will have had to suffer through the existence of possibly the most annoying/blood boiling/freaking irritating people of all time. COWBELL MAN. I’m not a proponent of the death penalty, but in this case, I would make an exception.

Finally, what the hell sort of retarded name is ‘The Storm’? Hmmmm? You cannot BE a storm. It’s impossible and it angers me beyond belief. You can’t just pick something out of nature and name a team after it. The Central Coast Low Tides? The Central Queensland Hailstones? The Adelaide Low Pressure Systems? IT’S RIDICULOUS PEOPLE. Melbourne Storm, I shake my fist at you.

Note – I have misplaced my beloved Dragons nameplate necklace, hopefully somewhere in my house. This distresses me a lot, but what occured the other night has distressed me further. Kids, I shit you not, Uncle Wayne came to me in a dream. It was clear as day. He appeared through some mist, grabbed me and said ‘Kiki! Where is your Dragons necklace?’. I replied I didn’t know, but I was looking for it. He said ‘Kiki, you weren’t wearing it on Friday night. Do you think that’s why the boys lost?’, shook his head judgmentally and then disappeared back into the mist. Now I am completely freaked out. IF THE DRAGONS LOSE THIS WEEK IT WILL BE MY FAULT. DREAM UNCLE WAYNE WOULDN’T LIE.

DIASTER #2

Let’s talk fantasy league. (and yes every time I post about fantasy league I google ‘fantasy’ and post what comes up, what of it?) Now you’re probably losing sleep wondering how the epic battle between our fantasy teams is going. Well now you can sleep soundly my loves, because here are the results.

So far, I am pleased to report, my Lil Angels have been victorious over Sassy’s 3 weeks in a row. And that has made super happypants. But of course, because this was the Round of Death, my Angels finally succumbed to the Second Chances. GODAMNIT. As if this wasn’t annoying enough, everyone told me that Corey Norman is like the best fantasy buy of all time, so I bought him and what did he give me? FOUR POINTS. FOUR FUCKING POINTS.

I don’t even know what to change this week. Help?

DIASTER #3

Now onto my greatest shame. My woeful, pathetic, embarassing, bloody mortifying tipping effort. I got…wait for it…2 from 8. I have no words. Out of all my years of being an obsessive footy nerd, I have never ever done this badly. I would go through and list all the teams I blame this embarassment on, but that would take me too long. Mainly, I blame Parramatta. Seriously, you lost to THE SHARKS? Bitches, that Hayne Train has been derailed like woaaah. That shit is like firey wreck on the side of a mountain.

The worst thing about this tipping diaster is the fact my mates have been ribbing me about it ever since. Mostly Reidy, of Bondi Rescue fame, godamnit that bastard won’t let it go. If I was a bigger person I wouldn’t let it get to me, but I am petty and annoyed easily I would like to say this publicly: PISS OFF REIDY. Also, if I was more mature I would let him revel in the fact he beat me in one measly round, but I feel the need to point out that overall I am now coming 29th (I was 13th until Round of Death) and he is still languishing somewhere on the second page. So….suck it lifeguard!

Oh and as for things that aren’t about me, Lozzy is number two in the Errol tipping comp, and inexplicably, Sassy is still leading the pack. None of us can quite figure out how, or why. It’s some X-Files shit, I tell ya what.