rugby league world cup: welcome to the best damn soap opera in town

Because you are all dirty, dirty Errol addicts, you will know already that we were … let’s just say mildly unimpressed by the NRL Grand Final entertainment. Not that we don’t enjoy a little bit of Noiseworks on the jukebox at the Judgy on a Sunday morning (we totally do), it’s more that we feel the DIY-costumes, helicopter-full-of-random-military-men and barbecue percussion theme perhaps didn’t quite represent the highest level of entertainment to which humanity can aspire. You know?

Luckily, we are heading square into Rugby League World Cup territory, and while it might be a disturbingly one-sided competition which Australia is almost certain to win, those bitches do know how to organise entertainment.

No outdoor furniture instruments here, kids! No Just Jeans flares, no giant foam hands. Instead, the World Cup has organised it’s very own soap opera. I like to call it Days of our League.

I also know that some of you have lives and might have missed a few episodes in the last few weeks; luckily you have me to fill you in.

 

PILOT EPISODE - STORM DAMAGE

Every good soapie starts with a dramatic incident … right? We open in the aftermath of a violent brawl, with former Australian captain and founder of the SmithCam Enterprises chain of oil wells and high fashion boutiques sitting in the slammer on charges of attempted murder by head-ripping-off.

‘But I’m innocent!’, he cries.

‘Take the deal you guilty bastard, it’s the best you’ll get!’, I yell at the television.

Will our international mogul and Captain of industry fight his way free to make the world cup?

 

EPISODE TWO – RIPPLE EFFECT

The community of Leagues Hollow is still in shock at recent events. With its leader serving his sentence after losing his trial, long-time rivals Manly Goldfields have led a hostile takeover and seized a majority in the Aussie team.

Loyal first mate and board member Michael Crocker lies in a hospital bed with a broken rib, and competitors are eyeing off Justin Hodges’ spot.

Who’ll come out on top?  And is there anything left for Cam Smith to fight for, now that fellow Queenslander Darren Lockyer has taken his place at the head of the Australian team and in all the company’s promotional material?

 

EPISODE THREE – ISLANDERGATE

A mysterious stranger returns to the Australian team. I ring the girls because I am totally confused about this turn of events and can’t figure out what the hell is going on.

How is Anthony Tupou in the Aussie team stealing Mick Crocker’s job?

Wasn’t he playing for Tonga?

Remember? Shell-anne told Kimberley that he was kidnapped by bounty hunters and sold to the Tongan league team … then he totally got Stockholm Syndrome and decided to stay with them until Australia paid the ransom to get him back.

GOD I’M SO CONFUSED.  I don’t even know what I think about this whole mess.

Yet there Toops is, sitting around the boardroom table at Kangaroo Corp, chilling with Craig Fitzgibbon and Steve Price discussing their old man football business.

Not to mention that all of a sudden Fui Fui Moi Moi and Tim “the Tank” Tuiaki want to run off to Tonga and the Kangaroos won’t give em up.

I need a drink.

 

EPISODE FOUR – THE FIGHTING IRISH

Pic: Michael Clayton-Jones

Because there wasn’t enough drama in one small town: Cam Smith is free, but still hasn’t got his captaincy back, and a young man emerges from the shadows to claim a spot in the Kangaroos calling himself David Campese’s long lost nephew.

Brett White has broken his contract to play for the Irish, claiming a bung toe.  Well that’s kinda understandable.

Shannon McDonnell joins with a … YEAH ME TOO, claiming a dodgy hamstring and the Irish are officially pissed. There’s enough rage to send a little the way of the British, who are flying up in first class while the Irish and all their sacks of … taties, or something, are crammed back in economy. THAT IS SO HARSH.

In previews for next week, a spurned Aussie vows revenge.

… aaand I think that pretty much brings us up to date, kittens.  That’s all the drama covered so far.  So unless someone steals someone’s baby / identity / corpse / Secret Swiss bank account details, we should actually be able to talk about football soon.  Amazing!

 

THE RANTY BIT

If you are feeling a little bit sad that I haven’t ranted about anything so far today – I do love a good self-righteous rant – then fear not.  You can get your fix with my opinions on the whole Islandergate eligibility issue. 

To be honest … I don’t see the fuss.  I know, I know, there are formal eligibility rules, and you don’t really want players playing for a different nation every year, but is there really such a  problem if players want to be a little whorey around world cup time?

The real problem here seems to be caused by the simple fact that the Australian team is the most competitive in the world. This is rugby league after all.

So if you identify with two countries and one of them is Australia, then the choice you’re really being asked to make is between choosing Oz and possibly never playing rep football at all, or playing for a team that has no chance of winning. You’ll be punished one way or another.

I know that people are complaining that this whole issue is just proof that footy players are mercenary – out for the best rep spot they can get – and they don’t feel any patriotism at all. But I don’t see how it’s possible to set down a hard and fast rule that sportsmen can only love one country.

The NRL draws talent from all over the Pacific and if you have players who are born in one country and live in another, or identify with another culture because of family ties, shouldn’t they be eligible for both? Um, Australia will let you have dual citizenship, and I’m gonna put it out there that maybe international security and the whole participating in the democractic process thing is a little bit more important than who plays for what footy team.

I am all for people feeling that they have multiple cultural, ethnic and national identities.   And I think players shouldn’t be forced to choose just one country for all time.  Even though technically they aren’t, the two year rules in place now already make it seem that way for some players.

This isn’t like State of Origin, after all.  God knows there can be no dual loyalties in Origin.  You’re either a News Wouth Wales supporter or … you’re evil. HISSSSS.

To be honest, I mainly just want to change the RILF permissions process because sitting through players having to get down on their knees and beg to be allowed to play for a particular country is getting really tiring. 

So why can’t we have a world cup eligibility whore-athon?  I propose that we scrap the rules that tie the World Cup to other international tests and let the players chuck their lot in with as many teams as they like and can find any vaguely acceptable tie to.  Then when they get their offers, they make a final decision.  Like university.  Just being dumb doesn’t stop you putting in a UAC form with medicine in the number one spot.

Then a player who’s eligible for two countries just has a Rep Preference that they can change every two years, and a World Cup preference, which they make when the World Cup squad gets announced every four years.

The players are happy, I’m happy, there is at least a vague chance of some teams other than Australia winning the thing, and I don’t have to hear all this whinging anymore.   Yes it’s a bit harder for coaches and selectors, but whatevs.  That’s not me so I don’t really care.

TA-DAH!

Now I am off to practise my beer-drinking and my irish accent in preparation for interviewing the Irish team this Friday. If you want to read an actual journalist’s opinion on this, I recommend Andrew Webster.