state of origin: transpacific insults

The time has come, chickens. Time for the round three State of Origin deathmatch. Deathmatch in the sense that, while it’s likely no one will die, I live in hope that there will be some kind of contest. Even though we’ve already lost the series for 2009, our boys in blue still have to fight out the third match. This one’s FOR DIGNITY, people.

And the need to reclaim some authority is getting more and more pressing. Remember we told you about the Jacksonville Axemen? The Queenslanders’ Origin domination has hit the point where even their founder, Spinner, is sending us hideous, gloating emails from all the way across the Pacific Ocean making fun of the blues’ loss. Worst of all … HE’S RIPPING OFF OUR JOKES. That’s right, taking our own cheap jokes about Queenslanders having trotters, and using them to burn us. Shit is dire.

The email popped into our inbox the day after Origin 2, with the subject line : I NEED SOME HELP. (If you’re wondering he spelled it correctly, not like when he emailed us GO QUEENSALNDERS).

Please can someone get me a chair or maybe a ladder or something. I will also need some kind of slip proof surface to stand on.

Although I have done this task many times I always find it hard and each time it seems to get harder due to the extra weight.

It is really a simple task but I take my small role in this process very seriously and I know that many people are counting on me getting it right.

I am not used to standing up on my hind legs, and my trotters do not get the best grip when I stretch up to hang the QLD flag.

And every time we win the additional weight of the trophies, medals and the burden of all the accolades is almost getting to be too much.

I understand that the folks down here will not lend a hand with my little project so maybe if I just wave the flag in front of them I can crawl up on their backs when they come and bow to pay homage to it knowing it and all it represents is truly GOD LIKE.

Yes, that it what I will do. Wave the QLD flag and then just trot up the top of the pile of those that mourn yet honor it’s AWESOMENESS and place it at the top of the pole.

GO YOU BLOODY QUEENSLANDERS.

DAMMIT. Things that make Queensanders happy are the absolute worst. I am Not Enjoying This.

I am especially not enjoying this because apparently the plague of injuries of NSW is not abating. We already had five men down for Origin 2, now Jamie Lyon and Luke O’Donnell and Paul Gallen are on the list two. WHAT’S GOING ON? I have read the bible and I’m pretty sure that once the plague of Rugby League injuries has been going for a few weeks, we’re meant to move onto locusts. Someone is deadset not following the script. WHERE ARE THE LOCUSTS?

Now clearly – because its all anyone can talk about this week – were gonna have to mention Nate Myles. Nate Myles and The Incident. Like Michael Ennis we were speechless, then confused.

You mean he … ?

… try not to make a poo joke, try not to make a poo joke.

And like the boys on FoxSports’ Long Lunch, we’re too grossed out to talk about it. Let’s just say Lozzy thinks the source of the problem might be that it’s tricky opening doors and using plumbing when you have trotters.

Speaking of: Mick Ennis and Brett ‘Noddy’ Kimmorley have been included in the team for Origin 3. Shocking, right? Despite some teething problems, we hate that Robbie Farah has been booted. But also kind of delightful, in that Noddy reminds me of a teeny tiny version of Hoppo from Bondi Rescue. WE LOVE HOPPO. It’s the nextbestthing to having him in a sky blue jersey of his own. (Clearly that would never happen. He’s far too old relaxed to be interested in playing footy).

If nothing else Ennis will look after NSW’s sledging requirements. I approve of this.