Hi friends. Well, what a bloody sad time it’s been the last few days huh? In a matter of days, things have changed. Everything has changed. Not just for the people that are directly affected by the floods, but hopefully for everyone. I say ‘hopefully’ because I think it’s an important lesson for people to realise everything can be swept away in an instant. And that all the material shit we obsess over is, in reality, pretty bloody meaningless.

As you guys know, I travelled with the PM’s XIII to PNG in September last year. It was truly life changing. Shook me to my core even. I haven’t written about it on Errol yet, as I want to wait till my Very Serious and Meaningful Article about it comes out in the new issue of RLP. I’ll post it up here, then blog about some of the funnier stuff didn’t make it in the article.

I’m bringing up PNG because to be frank, they have nothing. The level of poverty over there is far beyond anything I imagined. Everything for them is….hard. Nothing is abundant, or easy to get. A lot of them are going hungry. I remember going to the supermarket a week after I got home and found myself fighting back tears in the fruit and veg section. It’s a simple thing, going food shopping, but we rarely take a step back and realise how special it is.

We take for granted the fact we can pop up to Coles or Woolies and grab whatever we want, without a second thought. The shelves are always stocked with fresh, ripe, beautiful food. All shiny and yummy and completely affordable. It’s a constant, something we can rely on.

I’m on holidays at the Gold Coast and this arvo I went to Coles to buy food for dinner. Once again I found myself feeling strange emotions amongst the fruit and veg section. What fruit and veg there is left, that is. I’m almost 30 and for the first time in my life, I was faced with empty shelves. Nothing but rows and rows of black plastic. So I can’t make a salad for dinner, big deal. But it represents a change, an unsettling shift and a stark reality. Sometimes, everything isn’t gonna be okay. The ‘sure things’ can turn to shit over night and nothing is certain.

But one thing is certain, Australians are bloody good in a crisis. And we always keep our sense of humour, no matter how dark the days have become. The above photo of King Wally ready to go under was splashed all over the news and Twitter AND RIGHTLY SO. That shit is awesome. I am beyond proud watching how Aussies have mobilised to help the people of Queensland. The defence force, emergency workers, the SES, the volunteers, everyone online…it’s just incredible.

Just to put it into perspective, in terms of the land affected this is bigger than Hurricane Katrina. WAY BIGGER. Remember the response over there? Days upon days of authorities infighting, people left to fend for themselves, riots and National Guard being given shoot to kill orders, endless fucking up of rescue missions. Not to mention that post levy breaking, people were dropping dead from lack of food and water. In the most powerful nation on earth. And 5 years later, New Orleans is still a mess.

I’m not saying this to make a political statement. It’s yet another thing we take for granted, that when disaster strikes, there is a contingency plan and it will be carried out, no matter how daunting. As a woman trying to make it in a male dominated industry, I cannot tell you how downright fucking awesome it’s been for me to turn on the TV and see Anna Bligh front and centre. She’s been strong, in control and compassionate. Everything you want in a leader in times like this.

Not to mention Jules Gillard rocking it out for the sisterhood. I’ve also loved Channel 9′s coverage, because they’ve let the ladies be in charge and they have been AMAZING. They didn’t do the predictable and ship in a bunch of men to Take Charge In A Crisis, they let the girls do their jobs and they’ve done them well. I now may or may not have a giant girl crush on Allison Langdon.

It’s easy to be Australian when things are good. That’s easy. And fun. It ain’t easy when the harshness of the land turns around and fucks you over. This can be a brutal country. But it’s times like this when the true character of a people is revealed.

The point of my blabbering? Be grateful bitches. Hell, go all out and start a gratitude journal. Look around you right now, look at what you have. Think about what’s really important. Feel the sunshine on your skin, the sand between your toes and the chill of a beer bottle against your fingers. Breathe in. Wake up every morning and feel blessed that you were born in this country.

Read this poem. Listen to this song . Watch this video (2:45 = goosebumps).

Like everyone, we feel helpless. We want to make a difference, but do it in our own way. We’ve come up with an awesome little concept to raise money, look out for it next week.

Love you babies xx

Greetings friends! Yes I kinda sorta missed 4 days in the Chrissie blog plan. Life got in the way and has left me facing Christmas as a huge sad panda. Booooo. But to my delight, AFL has delivered a delightful Christmas present for me in the form of their wang-exposing photo scandal.

I’m a living breathing example of schadenfreude. As a code, I really dislike AFL so this whole drama is just delicious for me. And with all the Serious Litigation, the carefully worded public statements … it’s all so perfectly-organised! Bitches are like Scientologists! I’m worried I’ll start being tailed by a black SUV, my phone will be tapped and Tom Cruise and Andrew Demetriou will magically appear at my door and start issuing veiled threats.

Meanwhile there were some epic lolz provided by this guy, an AFL fan who said we are ‘everything that’s wrong with women and sport’. AWESOME. Almost as good as that time we upset cricket nerds by blogging at Cricket Australia and subsequently ‘ruined cricket’. Good times.

Now, on with the Christmas post.

On the eleventh day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

Footy players trying to model (volume 2)

Now you’ve already seen and heartily loled at volume one. If you haven’t go and read that hilarious shit NOW. For today’s blog I will be demonstrating the following theory- if there’s anything funnier than footy players trying to model, it’s footy players trying to be sexy while trying to model at the same time. HELLO AWKWARD.

Let’s have a look at my favourite sub category in awkward modelling : Naked Footy Players Holding Objects In Front Of Their Crotch. Behold, the hilarity!

Nips Farah cares not for occupational health and safety laws whilst renovating his new duplex.

Tom Learoyd-Lahrs finds riding jodphurs too binding.

This is not what Sandor Earl had in mind when he joined a chain gang.

Beau Ryan shows little respect for his 2010 Best and Fairest award.

Ben Ross finds a novel use for plastic topiary.

Hot damn, don’t footy players love some pube trimming? It’s a wonder they even get time to train. Methinks the boys above will be hoping Santa delivers some whizz bang hair clippers tonight.

What’s that you say? I missed Day 6? SHUT UP. Sassy posted about Stuart Broad being a babe so let’s pretend that was Day 6 okay? Good good.

You’re not getting anything too exciting today either. I have a second day hangover aka the most unfair of all afflictions. I’ve forgotten what an epic punish hangovers are, because this year I’ve turned into a hermit-like old person who has a big night once every 6 months. No joke, I’ve only been Out On The Town twice since July. It’s possible I’m growing up. I know, I’m weirded out too.

On the seventh day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

A baby photo of Miss Kiki….

That’s me at 20 hours old. Two important things to know a) there is no Asian blood in my family so the fact I look like Angelina Jolie is about to adopt me and use me as a prop is a total mystery and b) the nurses in the hospital asked my Mum ‘where in Asia is your husband from?’.

I still look kinda Asian. In Papua New Guinea, Chris Sandow announced over dinner “Kiki….you look Asian. Why do you look Asian?”. I have no answers for you Chris.

Now excuse me while I go and rehydrate. Lots of love, Baby Wong xoxox

On the fourth day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

Some photos that are funnnnyyyy

Hi Errol friends. Hope you’re enjoying your daily dose of footy lolz. Our new e-best friend Kate tells us that yesterdays post made her friend cry from laughing at work and now his workmates think he’s a crazy person. This makes me proud. Next time I’ll post some half naked boys and then his colleagues can think he likes the dudes. Sweet.

Today I have the Worst Headache Ever and the only thing my brain can cope with is a) checking my hard drive for funny footy photos and b) posting them for you guyz. ENJOY!

On the third day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

Footy players trying to model (volume one)

If you’ve ever read Errol you will know our favourite thing about footy is the unintentional lolz. Rugby league is downright hysterical and if you don’t see that you’re a massive weirdo with no friends, it’s just a scientific fact. We could list all the unintentional lolz footy has given us, but where do we even begin. Many of them we’ve already written about, so please busy yourselves reading our archives of amazingness. Good kids.

After our few years of working around footy, we’ve realised the only thing footy players look normal doing is well….playing footy. Take them off the field and they suddenly become out of place and accidentally HILARIOUS. Their off field existence is lolz enough, but what about when they try to model? I think you know the answer to that.

The internet tells me these photos were taken for the Gold Coast’s Sexiest Man or something but obviously something happened along the way and the boys are now competing for Gold Coast’s Most Embarrassing Photo. It’s tough competition but i think Scott Sattler has this one in the bag. I’m 73% certain there was a wind machine involved at that photoshoot and that is amazing. Consolation points to Kayne Lawton’s flurorescent orange fake tan and Scotty’s teen idol pose. All that’s missing is a sunflower and a kitten in a basket.

The hallmark of lolz footy modelling is of course, Lowes. Let us bathe in the glory of Matt Ballin getting his Zoolander on for them.

Where do I start here? Let’s do them by order.

1) Well now I know to visit Lowes next time I need a detective costume for a fancy dress party.

2) AAAH! I get it! He’s pretending to sleep because he’s wearing pyjamas. Well played Lowes, well played indeed.

3) I have never seen a man stand like this ever. Ballin the Little Teapot!

It gets better though. Because you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Matt Ballin model a three piece fuschia suit. Note : no this is not photoshopped.

Apparently the first photo was taken when Bal was suffering some momentary Bells Palsy because I have no other explanation for what’s going on in his facial region. Also…WHAT THE HELL IS HE HOLDING?

Remember Ryan Girdler? He is total babeness and our hearts and pants were sad the day he retired.

Yes, totally babing. Modelling is a perfect post footy career for him! So imagine my horror when I found these little gems…

UMMMM…….

What have you DONE to him Lowes? I know he’s a bit salt and peppery these days but why have you aged him 25 years in post production? Not only is he an old man, he’s a CREEPY old man. That second photo deadset looks like a lineup photo from the sex crimes unit. I’m scared. Someone hold me?

I have many, many more lolz modelling pics saved so keep a look out for volumes two, three and possibly four. And leave a comment extolling the virtues of Errol’s 12 Days campaign or I’ll crack the shits and revoke your post privileges.

On the second day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave me to me….

Russell Crowe and Oprah Winfreeeeey

Look at the amount of awesome human in that shot. It’s overwhelming! Now we love Oprah. Sure she’s cheesy and over the top, but she’s built an empire from nothing and is using her powers for good. Also she’s openly pro-gay despite most of her audience being Middle America which is famously well, kinda anti-gay. And y’all know we LOVE the gays like no one’s business.

And we love a bit of cynicism but the people pooh poohing her visit here are basically buzz killing shitheads. She’s the Queen of the World people! She’s never done a show anywhere else in the world….ever. Now stop being crap, grab a daiquiri from John John and join the party.

You all know how much we love Rusty. We’ve written about it a zillion times and fervently defended him on the radio (we like to think he listens to those recordings when he gets sad). We love the man. I think it’s because that’s exactly how we would be if we were rich and famous.

We would totally buy a footy team and get rid of cheerleaders and personally design the merchandise and create the Book of Feuds and narrate Ben Hur and make visiting celebrities come to games and cheer on our team and always bring up footy in every interview and have a sweet ponytail just be generally AWESUM.

SMH tell us that Oprah will join the fight for Greg Inglis. This is hilarious and amazing on so many levels. Mainly because imagine Russell trying to explain the NRL salary cap to Oprah. I would give my first born to hear that conversation. There’s also a joke here about them sailing around on a boat and Greg Inglis got a free boat from the Storm but I can’t quite find it. BOATZ! TWO OF THEM! HAHA!

Apparently Roy Asotasi, Chris Sandow, Dave Taylor and Sam Burgess sat front row at the Oprah show. I’m unsure of whether they were interviewed or not, but I’m concerned about the American audience’s capability to understand that festival of accents. Yanks have an issue understanding me. Whenever we’re in the USA, I make Sassy revert to her posh private school accent and perform all the phone duties. Really.

Say what you want about Rusty, but the man is committed to promoting rugby league. You know what’s not featuring on Oprah’s show? AFL, rugby union, soccer and any other sport. And that makes me happy.

HAI GUYZ!

It’s that time of year again! No Sam Burgess, not Cold Rock time….but CHRISTMAS! We totally planned to do an advent calendar of sorts but then all of a sudden it’s 12 days till Jesus’s birthday and we missed half the month. On the ball here at Errol HQ, as always.

I’ve posted the above photo because a) it’s naked John John in a Santa hat and b) a man named Pat Stack reminded me of how awesome naked John John in a Santa hat really was.

There we were at the One Community Chrissie party, just minding our own business, and suddenly a man clad in a Fox Sports shirt sheepishly says “ummm…hey…are u guys from Oh Errol? I love your blog hey.” WE GOT RECOGNISED! Like real famous people! Except with unbrushed hair and tiny tiny salaries.

Pat Stack then chastised us for not posting enough (geez Pat, demanding much?) and then mentioned John John’s infamous photo. I’ve forgotten what the context was Pat Stack is either a devoted Errol fan or has a man crush on our intern. Excellent work on both counts.

ANYWAY for the next 12 days you lucky bitches will be getting a mini Errol post every single day. It may be a lolz photo, a quote, a little story or some random awesomeness.

Now we know for a fact most of you have not been good boys and girls (which is why we love you) so these may be the only presents you’re getting. Please act suitably grateful.

On the first day of Christmas,

Oh Errol gave to me…..

Shirtless Sam Thaiday squatting against a tree.

Hello viewers. Kiki here. I haven’t been around in awhile. Terrible form I know. Posts on my Dragons and their premiership and my ridiculous/amazing/life changing trip to Papua New Guinea coming soon.

Onto the business of the day.

THE PAUL NEWMAN AWARD FOR THE HOTTEST OLD MAN IN LEAGUE

Just so you know, I googled ‘hot old man’ to find an inspiring image for this post. All I have to say is GOD PEOPLE ARE GROSS. Thanks for the photos of naked ‘silver daddies’ with boners, you bastards. I can’t unsee that shit.  FML x 1000.

Now I will cleanse my eyes with the gloriously handsome Paul Newman (also known as Hot Old Man patron saint).

Ah yes, much better.

In the least surprising development of the year, I am in charge of the creepiest award category. In the interests of accuracy, let’s go through the nuts and bolts of it all.

a) Hot Old Man does not necessarily mean ‘hot’ . Traditional uses of hot (aka Hot Bitch Cooper) do not always apply here. It’s more…the vibe. It’s Mabo.

b) Hot Old Man does not necessarily mean ‘old man’.  We aren’t talking decrepit walking frame kinda shit here. That’s just creepy, and not in a good way, like everything else I say. I don’t really want to put a defined age on this but let’s say … 45-ish and over.

c) No, we don’t have Daddy issues (… ew). We also don’t have a thing for older men. We just have eyes. Eyes that know a handsome man when they see one.

<

GARY BELCHER

Oh Badge, you hot bitch.  We are old enough to remember the moustached wonder in his prime (see above). No offence to the rest of the nominees but if Badge doesn’t win this, there is no justice in the world.

Sadly, he’s shaved off that amazing mo but his hotness has thankfully been retained. I am going to share with you a little something that happened during the footy season.

FOX SPORTS COMMENTATOR TO BADGE : Not that you would know mate, you never put your pretty face in a scrum.

ANONYMOUS ERROL BLOGGER : I’ll put his pretty face somewhere!

Yeh, I know … we are gross.

So, because we are delightfully inappropriate we enjoy tweeting at Andy Raymond when he’s commentating with Badge saying things like “TELL BADGE HE’S A HOT OLD MAN!”

One day Andy tweeted back with this.

Notice he’s not questioning if he’s hot. IT’S A UNIVERSAL TRUTH.

JOHN CARTWRIGHT

I saved that photo as “HELLOOOO CARTY.jpg” and I think that says it all. Carty is the reigning Oh Errol Sexiest Coach in Rugby League. You can see his reaction to receiving this award here.

What’s that you say? He is hilariously sarcastic AND has enormous guns? Yes, we noticed that too. We always thought Carty was a dirty spunk and then we met him and he is pretty much the most awesome human ever. His interests include : wearing tight t-shirts, mocking us and doing the Angry Cat on the sideline.

One time I made Carty blush. I told him about his gay fans (hi Cronkster!) thinking he’s a ‘hot daddy’ and he went silent, looked at his feet and flushed bright red. The fact this happened in a Canberran food court makes it all the more awesome.

TIM SHEENS

Yes he’s approx 60 years old but WHATEVER. HE IS VERY DAPPER OKAY? I don’t get too flustered around footy people now, but Tim Sheens sends me into a tail spin. Every time I see him around I do something epically embarassing and/or physically hide so he can’t see me … so we have yet to have a proper conversation.

In Port Macquarie for City Country I found myself alone in conversation with Nips Farah and Chris Lawrence. Because I’m me, instead of talking about, I dunno, current events or something, I blurted out “CAN YOU TELL TIM SHEENS I THINK HE’S A BABE?”

Nips raised an eyebrow suspiciously. Chris Lawrence contorted his face into something like the above said “yuck, that’s DISGUSTING” and stormed off in a huff.

Now: vote for your favourite Hot Old Man below, or nominate your own.

Okay, we get the point. You guys want more blogs. But unfortunately for y’all, this pesky thing called life keeps getting in the way. We have also been rendered video impotent due to a gang of bastards that broke into Sassy’s house and stole our camera (yeh, really).

But never fear. Some good stuff is coming up soon. We spent last weekend in Canberra hangin with the adorable Raiders, the awesome friendly locals and taking full advantage of their insanely cheap drinks.

Also, we are thinking about doing some podcasts. Try and control your excitement please!

And, in case you were all wondering, I AM SO GLAD BEAU SCOTT IS PLAYING ORIGIN. I’ve been saying this for literally a year, finally the selectors are listening to me. His selection clearly has nothing to do with his form, and everything to do with me. Much like everything else in rugby league. Learn this.

Will be blogging soon, promise.

The graphic says it all. I have always asserted that I am not particularly competitive (an assertion that Sassy strenously disagrees with). But I can’t even deny it any more. Last round was an epic failure on every imaginable level and I am still pissed off. I REALLY HATE LOSING. Especially when it’s something that I am supposed to be somewhat of an ‘expert’ on. Stop giggling, I have expertise. Kind of.

Round 4 was an absolute write off for me. Just….bad. So SO bad. Let me walk you through my Round of Death, step by step.

DIASTER #1

The Dragons lose. Of course no footy fan likes it when their team loses, but I got totally spoilt last year when they won almost every game. I forgot what loss feels like. But the Dragons reminded me on Friday night. And HELLO I HATE IT. I wish I could say I was loyal and watched the whole game, but 10 minutes in I couldn’t stand the tension anymore, looked up the result, choked back tears, then demanded the TV be switched off. I won’t lie, when my boys lose I turn into a sooky little girl.

I totally stomped around the house and kicked my clean washing across the floor in rage. There is no one I hate losing to more than bloody Melbourne. I have so many issues with them, where to begin? First of all, it’s a team full of Dirty Queenslanders. No one likes Queenslanders, it’s just science. Second of all, if you’ve ever watched a Melbourne home game you will have had to suffer through the existence of possibly the most annoying/blood boiling/freaking irritating people of all time. COWBELL MAN. I’m not a proponent of the death penalty, but in this case, I would make an exception.

Finally, what the hell sort of retarded name is ‘The Storm’? Hmmmm? You cannot BE a storm. It’s impossible and it angers me beyond belief. You can’t just pick something out of nature and name a team after it. The Central Coast Low Tides? The Central Queensland Hailstones? The Adelaide Low Pressure Systems? IT’S RIDICULOUS PEOPLE. Melbourne Storm, I shake my fist at you.

Note – I have misplaced my beloved Dragons nameplate necklace, hopefully somewhere in my house. This distresses me a lot, but what occured the other night has distressed me further. Kids, I shit you not, Uncle Wayne came to me in a dream. It was clear as day. He appeared through some mist, grabbed me and said ‘Kiki! Where is your Dragons necklace?’. I replied I didn’t know, but I was looking for it. He said ‘Kiki, you weren’t wearing it on Friday night. Do you think that’s why the boys lost?’, shook his head judgmentally and then disappeared back into the mist. Now I am completely freaked out. IF THE DRAGONS LOSE THIS WEEK IT WILL BE MY FAULT. DREAM UNCLE WAYNE WOULDN’T LIE.

DIASTER #2

Let’s talk fantasy league. (and yes every time I post about fantasy league I google ‘fantasy’ and post what comes up, what of it?) Now you’re probably losing sleep wondering how the epic battle between our fantasy teams is going. Well now you can sleep soundly my loves, because here are the results.

So far, I am pleased to report, my Lil Angels have been victorious over Sassy’s 3 weeks in a row. And that has made super happypants. But of course, because this was the Round of Death, my Angels finally succumbed to the Second Chances. GODAMNIT. As if this wasn’t annoying enough, everyone told me that Corey Norman is like the best fantasy buy of all time, so I bought him and what did he give me? FOUR POINTS. FOUR FUCKING POINTS.

I don’t even know what to change this week. Help?

DIASTER #3

Now onto my greatest shame. My woeful, pathetic, embarassing, bloody mortifying tipping effort. I got…wait for it…2 from 8. I have no words. Out of all my years of being an obsessive footy nerd, I have never ever done this badly. I would go through and list all the teams I blame this embarassment on, but that would take me too long. Mainly, I blame Parramatta. Seriously, you lost to THE SHARKS? Bitches, that Hayne Train has been derailed like woaaah. That shit is like firey wreck on the side of a mountain.

The worst thing about this tipping diaster is the fact my mates have been ribbing me about it ever since. Mostly Reidy, of Bondi Rescue fame, godamnit that bastard won’t let it go. If I was a bigger person I wouldn’t let it get to me, but I am petty and annoyed easily I would like to say this publicly: PISS OFF REIDY. Also, if I was more mature I would let him revel in the fact he beat me in one measly round, but I feel the need to point out that overall I am now coming 29th (I was 13th until Round of Death) and he is still languishing somewhere on the second page. So….suck it lifeguard!

Oh and as for things that aren’t about me, Lozzy is number two in the Errol tipping comp, and inexplicably, Sassy is still leading the pack. None of us can quite figure out how, or why. It’s some X-Files shit, I tell ya what.