YOU READ IT RIGHT BITCHES. THE HOT MAN NEWS IS BACK. Why now, you ask? Well it’s occured to me that this blog has become somewhat G-rated of late and I don’t like it.  To quote Gough Whitlam - “It’s Time”. It’s time for for the innate perve in us all to make it’s grand return.

But before we get to that, let’s briefly take a moment to appreciate the genius above. It’s literal, juvenile and crappily constructed. It’s Oh Errol.

(Note – I googled ‘man on fire’ and got a varied selection of things. Including a disturbing amount of photos of self immolation including one entitled “Romanian Gypsy on fire”.  Well that’s not very cheery now, is it?)

Anyway! On with the hot! So obviously the Dragons are my beloved and I adore them like my own children (especially B.Moz, I actually think I Love Him Like A Son). But I do kinda-sorta-adore another team. And that team is…….THE RAIDERS. Do you feel special Green Machine?

Oh I’ll give you the hottest ride in town.

I just like watching them play. I have a soft spot for them. And if I was a guy, I would also have a hard spot. GET IT. COZ OF BONERS. Now despite his infamous hair iss-u-eewwes, we are totally T.Camps mad here at Errol HQ. We just think he’s lovely. He is very old school handsome. Very traditionally masculine and all that. We also like how he feels the need to check that his junk is still attached while at training.

Hell YES Tez, work it out bitch. If there’s anything sexier than a man grabbing his dick while slathered in zinc and wearing a bucket hat, I am yet to see it. Am I being sarcastic? I don’t even know any more.

Now let’s talk about Joel Thompson. I will admit I had absolutely no idea who this bloke was until I spied him looking all sweaty and spunky at the first Indigenous All Stars training we went to. Errrr… I mean, I was admiring his athletic ability….and stuff. Anyway, he’s got cute monotremey type hair and a certain swagger about him.  And Sassy agrees he’s the sex in a kind of “I may or may not steal your car after our dates over” kind of way.

After some more intensive research on my part (I am a committed journalist if nothing else), I have discovered why we felt an immediate kinship with him. It’s because, how do I put this gently….he is kind of retarded. And we say this with much love, because anyone who has a) read Errol or b) been around us for more than 30 seconds soon realises we are challenged in many many ways. If we were footy players, we would totally end up doing the following -

Suddenly realising our nip nips are a bit sore after a busy day of training.

Further discovering that we may in fact have a serious nipple injury on our hands. And end up being snapped looking super bloated in the process.

Being obviously mortified after having a trainer tape up said nipple injury in front of our teammates.

Now despite both looking ethnically mysterious, Sassy and I are actually both from Irish peasant backgrounds so needless to say we have had more than a few suncare issues over the years.

Once such incident occured whilst on holiday in Fiji. We were so hungover on the second last day we spent 9 hours in the water to keep cool so we didn’t vom all over the pretty white sand. Unfortunately the fact that water is transparent and sunlight can get to you while you’re floating about didn’t occur to us. Until we woke up the next morning and literally couldn’t walk straight because we were so sunburnt. Subsequently we had to fly home braless and wearing nothing but sarongs as regular clothes hurt too much. Apologies to Air Pacific and Australian Customs.

This is why, once again, we totally feel you Joel.

” Slippity, sloppity…SLAP! Nothing will penetrate this zinc forcefield of mine!”

“……………..shit.”

Oh, Joel. Drop by the office one day, will ya? You will be with your own kind.

Now onto Josh Dugan. In a completely unexpected turn of events:  Dimples Dugan is hot now. Not cute or adorable or nawww ain’t he sweet like he used to be. Nope. He’s removed the headgear and has morphed into one of Errol’s fave things. A HOT BOGAN. The plethora of tattoos, nasal vowels when speaking, the earrings, the semi- douchey- haircut-that-somehow-works-for him = hot bogan.

Now this is not an insult by any means. Because you know who else is a Hot Bogan? HOT BITCH COOPER. That’s right HB, you have an heir to the throne. Behold readers, I present to you, Junior Hot Bitch.

La la laaaa….

One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn’t belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song? …………la la laaaaaaaa!

And with that, I’m out. Stay tuned cupcakes because there’s plenty more Raiders hot to come. I haven’t even got to Tom ‘is that a brother or what’ Learoyd-Lahrs.

Pics from The Canberra Times and FMF Forums. Thanks boys, we love ya!

Hello Errol friends. I would like to introduce you to Yasmin. She enjoys dark beer (see above), is my roomie, and most importantly…is footy’s newest fan.

One of my hobbies is pressuring/harassing/manipulating people into liking things I’m into. It just makes life easier for me, you know? Sassy and I did this to Lozzy in 2008, and this time around it was Yasmin’s turn. When we moved in together 6 months ago I informed her she was lucky it was the off season, so she didn’t have to sit through endless hours of footy on the TV. She was glad.

Flash forward to current day and I have on my hands an obsessed little Bunnies fan who is a ferocious and committed competitor in both footy tipping AND fantasy league competitions. I happily take most of the credit for this amazing turnaround, but I have to give props to footy for being so innately awesome and hilarious. Really all I was doing for Yasmin was pointing out the spectacularly amusing points and letting it go from there. Let’s hear from Yassy herself, shall we?

I’ve never been a big Footy fan, I mean sure, of course I celebrated the Knights Grand Final wins in 97 & 2001 but I really had no choice, I didn’t want to be cut. Have you ever been to Newie? It’s like Beyond Thunderdome there.

So after moving in with Kiki in Maroubra last year, I decided it was time to take the plunge & pick a team, after all I think that was part of the problem, I mean the Knights really aren’t all that lovable.

Once I got to Maroubra I had an epiphany & settled on the Bunnies, after all I was now living in major Bunnies territory, I once had a pet bunny (Kurt Cobain RIP). I’m a winter so I look good in red & green, then of course there was the Rusty factor. It was fate, even as I complained last year there weren’t enough attractive players in the team, Rusty got Sam Burgess all the way from England just for me.

I never do anything by halves, can tend to focus on something/someone until it becomes an obsession & being a footy fan has proved to be no exception. I will even admit to looking at the Rabbitohs website daily & watching Rusty’s Christmas message whenever I feel sad (do yourself a favour and go watch it, you won’t regret it and will find yourself quoting it).

So now I am now fully addicted to Fantasy League & am a tough supercoach. My need to win outweighs my loyalty (my future husband included, shhh don’t tell him) & if they don’t perform to Coach Yasbean’s expectations, then off with their heads.

Don’t mess with the supercoaches.

But hold on a minute, I am also a multi-tasker. Not only am I a Supercoach, I also like to coach the Bunnies in real life. So next week when the Bunnies finally win, you can thank me & the ‘Ball Control, Bunnies!’ sign I erected on our front lawn that the team had to pass on the way to recovery after the game against the Titans.

As she says, she really doesn’t do anything by halves. I woke up on a Sunday a few weeks ago to be accosted in our living room with her yelling “KIKI. THANK GOD YOU’RE AWAKE. I’VE MADE A FANTASY TEAM AND U NEED TO TELL ME HOW GOOD IT IS.”

She later admitted that not only did she make a fantasy team, but after she had used up all the players she knew previously (the big names) she then visited every team’s website to find the best looking player that cost the least on the salary cap. That is dedication people.

By far the best thing about introducing someone to footy, is seeing the game through new eyes. Yasmin has provided me with some epic lolz so far. I would like to share these quotes with you.

“Oooh! This is so fun! Everyone at the footy is so FRIENDLY!” – at the Charity Shield after a man asked me to hold his hot dog while he bought a beer

“Who is the guy in the….the…the head hat?” – asked while pointing at Preston Campbell at the All Stars game

“Oooh! I want that black guy in my fantasy team!” – excitedly yelled while watching Rhys Wesser return the ball

“Is it wrong that I find Robbie Farah attractive?” – while watching a Tigers game

“I have Jarrod Yeeha in my fantasy team.” – Yasmin on Jharal Yow-Yeh

“FUCKING BUNNIES. Less tweeting about banana bread, more training Burgess!” – after suffering her first loss as a Rabbitohs fan

“Omigod. The Mozzies were on the footy show and B.Moz was wearing a BACKPACK and he looks like a giant 5 year old. I taped it for you. If you get in the shower and get ready on time, I’ll let you watch it.” – her greeting as soon as I woke up yesterday

“They were warming up in front of me and I was looking at their leg muscles and I thought…THIS IS A GREAT GAME THIS IS” – at Leichardt Oval, after watching the Balmain Tigers warm up

” How does Dave Taylor manage to play this game? There are so many bloody rules!” – after me attempting to explain how the in goal/restart rules work

To say I am proud of how she’s embraced footy fandom is an understatement. Not only has she enthusiastically embraced everything NRL, but she is also loving the joy that is the NSW Cup. The fact she finds Tigers captain Lee Bennett super spunky may have something to do with it. I think the 4 dollar beers help too. She is also planning a range of footy coloured girls pyjamas (she’s a talented designer, for reals) for us to sell on Errol. AND she even made me awesome Dragons themed nail art.

Keep an eye out for Yasmin’s weekly appearance in Fantasy League Fridays. I can safely say she is extremely committed to being a fantasy coach, as she talks about it at home at least 3.5 times a day.

One last thing.  The NRL are constantly trying to improve the game for women, and now they have a spiffy little survey for us to fill out to help them achieve their goals. We have all filled it out, so you should too. You can find it here. Go now, it finishes on March 30th. THANKS GUYZ LOVE YA.

Yes people, it’s that time again. It’s time for us to up our nerd factor even higher. Because having a blog about rugby league, tweeting live during at least 4 games every weekend and being active members of a footy internet forum just isn’t enough. Nope. What we really need is……FANTASY LEAGUE! NYEEEEH! GLAVEN!

Even nerdier is the fact we cannot just have any old fantasy teams. Oh no. We MUST have a reason for participating. Specifically, a scientific reason. Last year we wanted to know whether the bigger advantage is being really really good looking, or being a generally nice human being. In the end, niceness won out.

This year, we are embarking on a new, even more genius experiment. This years experiment comes directly from the incredible super awesomeness that is Kiki’s brain. Kiki is what one would call ‘an ideas woman’. Like most geniuses, she has trouble with every day living. Examples:

- she’s had the same bank account since Year 4 because she can’t figure out how to change banks.

- one time she, along with her mother and grandma, rocked up the Gold Coast airport to fly home, only to be told by the mean Qantas lady that she had in fact booked flights home from the SUNSHINE COAST.

- her whole time at Uni she could never figure out how to use the library and often took her mum with her so she could borrow books for assignments.

Kiki likes her juice in box form.

But none of this embarassment matters, because her brain came up with the following.

“SASSY OMG I HAVE THE BEST IDEA! What about you have a team with all the naughty boys in footy, called Sassy’s Second Chances? And then I have one with all the good boys called Kiki’s Lil Angels and we can MAKE THEM PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER. TO SEE WHO WILL WIN IN THE END!!!”

What’s that you say? Adrian Proszenko had a similar idea about having a fantasy team filled with league’s bad boys? Oh, we know. We also know that he published that article a good WEEK after we committed to our experiment. We are 76% sure he has ripped us off directly, as we got drunk after the All Stars game and told pretty much everyone in rugby league, including journos, about our Awesome Experiment. If his next article includes something about Jamal Idris starring in Citizen Kane, our suspicions will be confirmed. We are watching you Proszenko.

Now, on with the show.

Coach : Kiki
Captain : Robbie ‘Nips’ Farah
Criteria for selection: players must be well known good boys, church goers, generally adorable, make us wanna squish their little faces, or just have managed to play for years and never got into any nasty business.
Why we’re doing it : to see if having a peaceful off field life contributes to on field sucess. Also, so we can photoshop Brett Morris’s head onto a creepy cartoon of a boy angel.

INTRODUUUUUCING! The Lil Angels :

As you can see, Kiki lost her inspiration (and money) by the time she got to the bench and ended up picking players that cost a certain amount and haven’t publicly messed up. CLUTCHING….STRAWS….ETC.

[Please note the overwhelming amount of my beloved Dragons in there. There woulda been more but the rules say I can only have four. DISCRIMINATION. It's not my fault I follow a team filled to the brim with good boys. Geez - Kiki]

Coach : Sassy
Captain : Paul Gallen
Criteria for selection : have been involved in at least one public scandal, ranging from criminal charges to pissing in the streets.
Why we’re doing it: to see if being a mischievous drunk does actually affect your footy. Also, because if rugby league is about anything it’s about second chances. Rugby league : because everyone makes mistakes.

BEHOLD! The Second Chances :

The best thing about the Second Chances is that a man called ‘Bronx GOLDWIN’ is on the bench. Everyone loves a mysterious Jewish winger!

[you may also notice that my team has a strong Rooster contingent and PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE AUSTRALIAN BACK ROW. Awesome. - Sassy]

And now all we need is the season to start and the experiment will have begun. If you want to join our league, as many awesome people already have, go HERE . Our league number is – 18923-2717.

WHAT UPPPPPPP!

My god it’s been awhile since we’ve e-connected, right kittens? I bet you miss me like Danny Wicks misses his freedom. Unless of course you follow us on Twitter. I am all over the Twitter. I even have my own account now. Try to control your excitement.

[Ooh, yes! Me too! follow me, love me, and enjoy the minutiae of my daily life, twitter-style. - S ]

Tweeting is fun. Tweeting after a few vodkas is even better. Sassy and I are still trying to figure out what hilarious political commentary I was trying to tweet at 4am from QBar late last year. We found it the next morning, just sitting there in Twitteriffic, half finished.

“Imma let you finish, but the federal government is …”

IS WHAT KIKI? IS WHAAAAT? And is that, was I trying to, wait … was I making a Kanye West joke? About the Australian Federal Government? Worst of all, I totally remember us both absolutely cracking up at the time and saying “we have to tweet this!” And now it’s lost forever. RIP awesome joke, we hardly knew thee.

Anyway, back to things that are relevant. This off-season has been particularly punishing for me.  The only things that have kept me from complete emotional oblivion are:

a) The Contender (turns out boxing is almost as good as footy, also I LOVE YOU GARTH.)

b) the fact I live at the beach now and am treated to a daily show of hot tattooed shirtlessness frolicking in my driveway

c) the way in which rugby league keeps churning out the top shelf entertainment despite the fact there are no actual games being played.

Let’s start with Jamal Idris, shall we? Our favourite (and possibly only) Afro-diginal footy player. And after this recent story, he is fast becoming one of our favourite all around humans. Watch out Anthony Bourdain/Wendell Sailor/Zac Efron, this kid is gaining on ya!

I first read this article on my phone whilst in bed, attempting to get to sleep. It didn’t help my slumber because I spent the next 20 minutes literally loling at the hilarity of it all. I think I even said “oh Jamal, I love you” out loud. Yeh, that’s not weird at all.

There’s so much goodness in this article, I barely know where to start.

“Acting is something that I’ve really thought about getting into for a couple of years, but I don’t really know how to go about it,” Idris told The Daily Telegraph after the Bulldogs’ annual Twenty20 cricket match at ANZ Stadium yesterday.

I love the ‘really thought about it’. It’s not just a passing fancy people! Jamal is Serious about this. When it comes to his future career as a thespian, bitch is thinking Rodin style.

I’ve always thought Jamal was like an overgrown puppy. Adorable and enthusiastic and delightfully innocent. Remember when he signed his Bulldogs contract last year and didn’t realise he had to pay tax? LOVE. He displays his gorgeous naivete again with this gem:

“I didn’t do drama at school or anything like that, but love watching movies and DVDs. It’s hard to describe … but when I watch a movie I sort of get carried away and can imagine myself being there in the scene.”

Oh, honey. You are amazing. Well Jamz, imagine no more. With the power of a) my brain and b) photoshop you can see your acting career in solid visuals. I’ve decided if you’re gonna act, go all OUT baby. Forget predictable special effects blockbusters. Be brave and REMAKE THE CLASSICS. Oh yes.

Jamal Idris is….Citzen Kane.

ROOOOOSEEEBUDDDD

Not into Orson Welles and multiple Academy Awards? Okay then. Everyone loves a southern gothic tale sooooo…what about, some Tennesee Williams?

Stelllaaaaa! The goggles, they do nothing!

Every aspiring actor wants to be Marlon Brando. This role would be perfect for our boy Jamal. I know it’s intmidating, but if he wants, he can pop over to Errol HQ to run lines and practice the infamous soaking wet white t-shirt scene. Intern John John, fetch the hose!

But if he wants to start small, I’ve come up with the perfect compromise. Stick to what he knows. ie: being pigtailed and adorable.

That pirate hat is absolute killer.

In other God-footy-is-hilarious-like-no-other-sport news, the Sunday Herald tells me Daine Laurie and Willie Mason are in the midst of a feud. WE LOVE FOOTY FEUDS. They are so … biblical. And by the sounds of it, this one is an absolute doozy.

Recently described by the ABC as a “rugby league vagrant” (HAHAHA), Willie has been having a bad time of it lately. It’s made him bitchy like woah and apparently he’s been blabbing all over town that D.Laurs is a ‘poor excuse for a footballer’ and ‘a drunk’. Unsuprisingly, Daine took to this news rather negatively.

He told the Herald : “Tell Willie Mason when I see him, I’m going to slap him in the face”.

OH MY GOD. I AM DEAD FROM AWESOME. I know it’s only Febuary, but hot damn this is easily the best league quote of the year.

Now I don’t like to boast (that’s a lie), but as always, Errol is ahead of the curve. Cultural zeitgeists you say? Oh, I agree. Way back in 2008, we spotted Daine Laurie as a slapping extraordinaire. Not just any old slap, but a BITCH slap. You heard it here first.

Intern John John anxiously awaited our return

HI DARLINGS!

I know, I know…we have been absent of late. We are shit and we know it. People keep harassing us asking for more blogs and are all WHY HAVEN’T YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THE GRAND FINAL YOU LAZY SHITS etc etc. We have no excuses except this one : being writers for a living now is both a blessing and a curse. Amazing because we get to do what we love and get paid for it, but shit because it kinda sucks out our creative juice and leaves us a bit well…dry.

And yes I am aware of how (untintentionally) gross that sentence was. 

Now let’s sum up what’s been happening in mah head lately

a) The Grand Final was bloody awful. And no, not because the Storm won. It was awful because I spent the whole day in deep emotional pain thinking THE BLOODY DRAGONS SHOULD BE HERE GODAMNIT THIS SUCKS. And by ‘thinking’, I mean ‘loudly announcing it to no one in particular then kicking the ground like a small child’.

I was in the middle of a booze ban but I had to down a couple of vodkas to cope. Once again, the Dragons are directly to blame for my alcohol intake. I hope Peter Doust has a special fund set up for my future liver transplant.

Also, I spent most of the day being enraged at the massive amounts of Parra bandwagoners that were milling about just begging to be punched in the face. Look I am all for new people coming to the game, and I truly want league to be really popular, but is there anything worse than tools sporting freshly bought merchandise and being Smuggy Mc Smuggersons? I’ll answer it for you: no, no there is not.

In an ironic twist, Billy Slater decides he hates overexposed fullbacks

On the bus there, we were sitting next to a girl who was wearing…wait for it…a backless bodysuit and a Parramatta scarf. Because her back is so hot but her neck is FREEZING! GO PARRA! She teamed this with skin tight jeans and strappy high heels. ARGH. We were forced to listen to her inane questions which consisted of ‘so, like, is there like, a toilet near the seats?’ and ‘do you think the Eels would be like, nervous today?’. I bet her favourite player of all timez is Jarryd Hayne. He’s sooooo hot.

And yes, if you’re wondering, I am completely aware that I am bitter and resent the fact the Eels found form when my boys lost theirs. But in my defence, Kate, my other-bestie-that-isn’t-Sassy, the biggest Parra fan in the entire universe, also hates the bandwagoners with a passion. When I sent her an sms to describe the Bodysuit Girl she said ‘murder her immediately, I will visit you in jail I promise’.

b) In a twist that is worthy of a Mexican telenovela, I have decided I that I now like Billy Slater. Yes, really. I know, I know…I’m freaked out too.  Next thing you know my evil twin is gonna appear wearing a maroon jersey and stilettos, drinking Bundy rum and yelling QUEENSLANDER in peoples faces.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but I think it started with Rexona’s Greatest Athlete. Then it snowballed when our friend Edwina started to like footy. And by that I mean she started to obsess over Hot Bitch Cooper and Billy and started forcing me to realise Billy has beautiful skin and pretty eyes and oh god…he’s kinda cute. And worst of all, likeable.  I kept telling myself the only reason I was on GettyImages searching for Billy pix was for Eddie but then at the Grand Final I involuntarily yelled GO BILLY. I hate myself so much.

Kiki retreats to 1997 fashionz to ease the off season pain

c) I have literally experienced post season depression. I’ve been massively emo. For ages I couldn’t figure out why I felt like something had stolen my heart and filled my chest with sad sad cement then I realised oh my god, it’s because there’s no footy on. I am simultaneously proud and ashamed of this.

Okay now onto things that aren’t me.

So last week we got to play with the VB Kangaroos. Seriously. Somehow we managed to annoy charm the NRL’s media manager, David Taylor, into letting us come along to their media call and conduct some video interviews. Being the legend that he is, DT asked us who we wanted to speak to and he just made it all happen. Seriously kids, we just sat on our little lounge and superstahs like Billy Slater, Robbie Farah and the Mozzie twins were just brought over to us. Footy player delivery!

Anyway, since JJ and the boys had to hold down the fort at Errol HQ, we brought along our interns for the day, Loz and Butch. They found Errol by googling naked photos of David Williams, which is really quite fitting. They are basically 17 yr old versions of Sassy and myself, which I find both terrifying and delightful. Here is their take on the day (yes these interns actually exist and they wrote this for reals!).

***********************

Last Tuesday was National Nipples Day Out (thankyou Robbie ‘headlights’ Farah, ambassador of this campaign), otherwise known as the Kangaroo’s media call. We are best friends, we love football, the Sea Eagles, Georgie Rose, High School Musical, doing the hoedown throwdown whilst cooking and Big Del (Little Del goes down alright to). We DON’T love dirty dirty Queenslanders, with the exception of Billy Slater.

After 2nd helpings of Maccas breakfast, due to the fact we were an hour early, we met Kiki and Sassy and made our way into the Pullman htel, got settled and dolled ourselves up, ready for Robbie.

From the moment he walked around the corner, Robbie’s  infamous visible nipples were on full display for us (and didn’t we LOVE it). Bitch is also full of lolz, who knew?? When asked about his recent shirtless kebab photo, Robbie seemed….errrrr, slighty….confused, like he’s done it on many occasions……which is AWSOME, coz it means there are more out there. Here’s a preview -

Anyway, turns out Robbie is extremely proud of when he punched Anthony Watts waaaaaaay back in round 19. He was all ‘nobody thought I’d do it……..but I DID!’. Kinda like how kids are when they go to the toilet by themselves for the first time.

Next was Billy Slater. As we all circled around him (after Sassy elegantly kicked over a glass coke bottle that smashed everywhere), Kiki told him that this wasn’t gunna be a normal interview, he replied with (whilst looking slighty nervous) “I can see that”. Pretty AND observant, what’s not to love? Billy didn’t even seem bothered by Butch’s question of how he keeps his skin so radiant. His answer? GENETICS!! However, we did get the goss on who in the Melby (gag) team moisturizes. Cooper Cronk? OF COURSE he does. When one is a fierce bitch like Cooper Cronk, one must look after one’s skin, non?

Also, we are 99% sure that Watmough recognised us from the Manly fan days and shit like that were we have met him…. It may have also been that time when Butch walked past his car and he had ‘DAMN WHO’S A SEXY BITCH’ blaring (don’t even pretend that wasn’t aimed at me Watmough, you sly dog -B). Or, it could have just been in our heads. We have active imaginations, WHAT OF IT?

So while we waited for the Mozzies, we relaxed on the lounges. Apparently we’re relaxed interns (meaning we do nothing). Butch demonstrated how relaxed we were by reclining on the lounge in a slightly provocative manner. That magic moment was caught on tape by some lucky sport channel. Youtube it bitches!

Meanwhile, B.Moz cares not for being top point scorer of the Errol Wildcats, or the top try scoreer for the NRL, bitch just wanted to be captain of the Wildcats!

LOOK HOW UPSET HE IS! It seemed to us that J.Moz was kinda put off that B.Moz knew all about Errol but he didn’t. They also seemed quite please by the fact that they were nominated for the best legs in league, but slightly affronted that Uncy Wayne wasn’t nominated for Sexiest Coach.
 
In conclusion, footy we love you! We also kinda, maybe, probably, defssss love the people that play footy. Oh and Kiki and Sassy, we’ll intern for you anytime and we promise actual communication to the players next time, not just nervous giggles.

***********************

The girls were hilarious and adorable and we will have them intern with us again any time. We love you kittens!  Sassy and I will be writing our own post on the day, including VIDEO INTERVIEWS. Real ones! I know, I can’t believe they let us that close to the players either.

Is this the longest Errol post ever? Possibly. It should shut up you whingers that have been blog-begging for the past month anyway.

PS – MASSIVE thanks to the amazing David Taylor for hooking us up on Kangamaroooooos Day. DT, you are our new favourite person!

PPS -The Errol Awards are coming I swear to God.  We decided this year to leave them until after the season ended so we could stretch out the footy goodness as long as possible.

(photos from GettyImages)

HI BITCHES! Did you miss me? I know you did. You know who missed me more than anyone in the whole wide world? The bloody Dragons. You realise their form took a nosedive as soon as I left the country right? The little fuckers. This isn’t the first time either. In 2006 when I went to the States they lost every game while I was away, then started winning when I returned. And this time they did EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

The past 2 and a half weeks I couldn’t even enjoy my break. No no. I was deadset flooded with communication from home concerning the Dragons. Either it was St George fans begging me to come home, fans of other teams delighting in the Dragons misery (fuck all y’all!!) or my mother ringing saying things like ‘darling….I have some bad news’.

Anyway, we returned home last Friday and whaddyaknow, those tricksy little buggers found their form again and kicked some blue and yellow ass. They were all scorching attack, flawless hard hitting defence and OH HI B.MOZ GOT 3 TRIES! I was torn between being completely over joyed, horrifically jetlagged and being annoyed at them punishing me for going on holidays. Emotional manipulation! Disgrace!

Intern John John jumped into his spangly hotpants and checked the Errol mailbox on Monday morning and found a card my boys sent me. MINOR PREMIERS WHUT WHUUUUT! I adore the love hearts, that was Hot Bitch Cooper’s touch wasn’t it? He is a design genius. All is forgiven my darlings.

Obviously I am absolutely thrilled with the Minor Premiership and could not be prouder of my babies. I am also rather excited that in my absence  Dell has embraced his disco aura and is growing a fierce fro and sideburns combination. Amazing.

So anyway, our trip was amazing and we love the Jacksonville Axemen even more than before. Put it this way, there were goodbye tears. And hugs. And wailing. We will be writing some posts on them soon, including lots of awesome photos that we snapped. We had the most epic time and the boys, along with their staff and fans, are some of the greatest people we have ever met….so stay tuned for that.

In other vitally important Kiki/Errol newz, today I won a a guessing competition on Twitter. Who cares, you say? Oh no, this shit is lolz x 1000. For those who don’t know,  Mat Rogers has a Twitter. AND IT IS AMAZING. 

Today he posted this photo and asked his followers to guess who it was. The winner would receive a signed Titans poster.

I took one look and thought I KNOW THOSE NIPPLES…IT’S KEVIN GORDON! And what do you know…I WON THE COMPETITION. Aaaaaah lolol. I was alone at home on my lappie and when Mat tweeted at us to let us know I was the winner, I seriously laughed out loud and clapped like an idiot. I am such a loser.

So apparently the poster is on the way to Errol HQ and I could not be happier. Not because we get a signed Titans poster, but because my intense perviness has finally paid off.

PS- Seriously how ripped is K.Flash? Thrusssst.

PPS – Never fear kittens, the Errol Awards ARE on for 2009…just a bit delayed. We have new categories and everything. Coming soon!

HI BABIES!

Sassy and I are off to the United States of Hot Boys and Margaritas tomorrow to visit the Jacksonville Axemen then spend a week traipsing about Brooklyn.

Needless to say we won’t be able to watch any footy so y’all are gonna have to make do without our witty insights and lolz captions for 2 whole weeks. I know, I know it will be tough…but you will be okay bb’s!

HOWEVER we have a serious Twitter addiction and will be keeping you constantly updated on our adventures that way. If you don’t have Twitter (why not?!) you can just favourite the page and observe our tweets of hilarity from afar.

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW US ON TWITTER

(By the way one of our adored readers has offered to redesign Errol and we could not be more excited. God knows it needs it! Also we have like, the most ridiculous and amazingly exciting things coming up when we get back….we won’t go into it now but put it this way – world domination is imminent!)

Love you all. Kiss kiss! xxx

HI HI!

Well we are proud to report we have had a pretty good week. I was still struggling with being sick so only managed to do some weights at home and get to the gym on Friday, but turns out low carbing totally works. Who knew!

We’ve managed to lose cms and I think that’s mostly due to diet. Everything seems to have just shrunk a bit you know? And I FEEL skinnier.

Neither of us have lost drastic amounts of weight judging by the scales, but we can definitely tell the difference. Basically everything is firmer. The thought of wearing a mini skirt and singlet in the States is no longer terrifying.

The thought of seriously low carbing it was pretty scary but we have made it tolerable with some yummy food like the salad Sassy made last nite (above).

Our basic diet at the moment is -

BREAKFAST – 2 boiled eggs on soy and linseed toast

LUNCH – sashimi and miso soup

SNACK – apple and a few toasted almonds

DINNER – chicken and salad

SNACK – vegies and home made cottage cheese dip or protein bar

DRINKS – lots and lots of water, sencha sensation green tea from T2, sneaky Coke Zeros when we need a pick me up

And no word of a lie, we haven’t even felt like we’ve been missing out. I did have pasta and cheesecake on Free Day and it was amazing and enjoyable, but I no longer feel like I NEED that sorta food you know? This is a huge revelation for me!

We have also suddenly developed a penchant for cooking. Neither of us are particularly domestic but we have really gotten into making yummy food. When you put in the effort, ‘diet’ food can be kind of amazing.

Our fave meal so far was Friday nights creation. We used to settle down and watch Friday Night Footy with a pizza, but now that’s obviously not a viable choice. So we adapted a random recipe we found on the internet and made what we have called Errol’s Super Special Cheesy Funsticks. Hehe…funsticks.

Basically you whack together some low fat grated cheese, low fat cream cheese, an egg or two, non flavoured whey protein powder, a bit of flour, some garlic and some salt. I have no specific amounts for you because I just throw things together and hope for the best. Much like the way I get dressed.

Anyway you then knead it with your hands until you have a dough. Then create little sticks and place them on some baking paper, sprinkle on some herbs of your choice and whack them in the oven. I honestly never thought I would be in the kitchen watching my Dragons while BAKING but it was oddly enjoyable. And strangely comforting.

We baked them for a lil while then switched it to grill to crisp them up. Once again I can’t give you specifics. Just make sure you don’t leave the kitchen is the only advice I can give you. WATCH UR CHEESY STICKS PEOPLE! DON’T LEAVE THEM ALONE!

And, to compliment our amazing creation we decided to honour my beloved red and white babies, we made Ben Creagh’s Avocado and Dill Salsa. I’m not joking.

The fabulous One Community (hi Trish!) do AMAZING work with NRL players and the community. One of their iniatives is to encourage healthy living amongst kiddies, and they’ve joined forces with the Australian Avocado Industry and got a few players to contribute their recipe. I demanded we do the Dragons one.

Go and check out Benny’s recipe here.

First of all THERE IS SO MUCH CHOPPING. We were loling so hard at the thought of Ben Creaghs giant hands chopping tiny tiny pieces of cucumber and then trying to stop his eyes weeping from the 8000 onions involved.

ANYWAY it turned out to be freaking amazing and worked perfectly with our the proteiny goodness of our Funsticks. It was the best guilt free dinner a girl can eat.

So basically we will keep low carbing and working out until we go away. Then we are gonna relax and just have fun. No point trying to be super healthy in America, that shit is a losing battle trust me. We will pick up where we left off when we come back. But for now we would like to give you our total centimetre loss. We are doing this from our original measurements we took when we started, compared to the ones we took this arvo. HERE WE GO!

KIKI -

Arms – 3cms

Waist – 3cms

Ass – 3cms

Hips – 2.5cms

Thighs – 2.5cms

Bust – 3cms

SASSY -

Arms – 5.6cms

Waist – 0.3cms

Hips – 1.1cms

Thighs – 2.3cms

Bust – 2.7cms

WHEEEEE! U know what? We aren’t exactly bikini models (YET!! haha) but we are pretty godamn PROUD of ourselves. Considering before this whole thing 2day FM sent us to a Health and Wellbeing Breakfast for ACP magazines and on the way to it I stopped and got a bacon and egg muffin from Maccas….I think it’s safe to say I have done pretty godamn well. We both have.

How have you guys gone on your health trip?

SUP babies!

I’m in charge of our healthy update this week. First of all I have to say, Sassy has coped with it alot better than me. Before we started this she was already doing small amounts of exercise (namely, walking three blocks to the park so the dog can run around while she plays on the swings walks and thinks about stuff) and didn’t suffer from a rampant Maccas addiction like myself, so she has definitely fared better in the past week. I have been all stomach pains and sugar withdrawls and generally Hating The World.

Lowlights of the week -

- Us taking Sassy’s greyhound, Dolly Parton, on a walk from Tamarama Beach to Clovelly and me having a literal asthma attack at Bronte. I had to stop and lie down on a rock for a good 15 minutes before I could move again.

- The rumbling of my own stomach literally WOKE ME UP on Wednesday night. I stumbled into the kitchen, eyes half closed and shovelled a piece of bread down my throat without even realising what I was doing.

-  Using half time during State Of Origin to take our measurements and realising we are nowhere near Marilyn Monroe’s infamous 37-23-36. Our measurements of doom are now stuck on the fridge to haunt us at all times.

* Losing our damn minds on Free Day (We eat right and exercise 6 days a week, then have one day off. It’s scientifically proven!). After watching the Newtown Jets play we went to the Petersham RSL to interview them, with Errol bestie Suchy in tow. When Sassy was in the bathroom we waited for her at the bar, I stopped in my tracks, jumped up and down with glee and yelled OMG, I CAN SMELL GRAVY! IM SO HAVING CHIPS AND GRAVY YESSSSS!

Suchy rolled his eyes and muttered something like ‘and you wonder why you’re single’.

Moments later Sassy walked out and literally said ‘GUYS…I CAN SMELL GRAVY!!’ Suchy was rendered speechless. Yes kids, Project Health has made us lose our damn minds.

[I like to think of it as a positive. Like if our careers don't work out maybe we could work as ... gravy scenters. Do they have those? Like those people who find water underground using a stick. GRAVY DIVINERS. -S]

- In more Free Day craziness, I found myself actually begging Sassy for her left over pizza crusts coz I just wasn’t ready for the day to be over. Kill me.

[This amuses and shocks me greatly as whenever we have pizza together I always notice that Kiki leaves her crusts. For her to not only eat her own crusts but Sassy's as well...wow - L]

- Tonight we moved the lounge to do Winsor Pilates and found an old Dorito on the floor. We considered eating it for about 3 seconds. I wish I was kidding.

Highlights of the week -

- The crippling hunger pains have finally dissipated and I am actually starting to feel human again. I visited my parents last night and they both said my skin was glowy and that I looked alot healthier. I have also noticed my dark circles are fading big time. YAY!

- We triumphed over our overwhelmingly strong urge to go out and get drunk on Friday night and instead stayed home and did pilates. Well, Sassy did pilates and I watched. BUT STILL! NO DRUNKY TIMES! Go team!

- We cooked the most amaaaazing dinner from the Body for Life cookbook. We are both obsessed with Mexican food so it was pretty exciting to be able to make yummy chicken enchiladas and eat them guilt free. In a perfect world we would be drinking giant margaritas with them but hey, sacrifices need to be made right?

See? SO GOOD. We is amazing chefs!

- Apart from Free Day where eating naughty foods is allowed, neither of us have cracked and gone and bought junk food. I am especially proud I haven’t caved and driven to get cheeseburgers at 2am, which I totally used to do pre-health kick.

- And apart from Free Day pizza, we haven’t eaten takeaway of any description. Tonight for example, we hadn’t organised dinner and old us woulda just ordered something in. A very fatty but YUMMY takeaway. Like a huge bowl of creamy pasta with mushrooms….aaaahhhh drooooool…

Um..what was I saying? Oh yeh. That was old us. New healthy us was all, let’s look in the fridge and see what we can come up with. AND! WE MADE SOMETHING AWESOME! So we had potatoes stuffed with cottage cheese, onions, celery and red capiscum with super low fat cheese melted on top. Doesn’t look too great but it tasted pretty good and was heaps filling.

I am oddly proud of this meal. Healthy choices babies!

- We decided to decorate the kitchen in a manner which would inspire us. What better way to do this than to rip out our favourite mans from the Gods of Football calendar and blu-tak them to the cupboards. Nothing says healthy living like making tea while you stare at Matt Ballin’s perfect ass. Aaaah yes.

left to right – Hot Bitch Cooper, GI Ballin, Intern John John, Davey W, Tom LL, Shillo.

So in conclusion for this week, we don’t think we have lost heaps of weight or anything. But we definitely feel better and our tummies are flatter. Today marks exactly 4 weeks until we go on our trip to visit the Jacksonville Axemen (more about that later) so we are stepping up the exercise and lowering the carbs big time. Tomorrow we are joining a gym and are gonna be little cardio junkies. Of course most of the motivation for this is health, but part of it is also … well, it’s straight out vanity. We wanna look cute in our bikinis while we lounge around Jacksonville Beach and drink oversized American cocktails.

How is everyone else doing on their own Project Health? And are you proud of us for even making it a week? Alot of people didn’t think we would make it this far. TOLD YOUSE WE WOULD! HAH!

OH HAAAAAY!

Miss me? Thought youse did! God knows I haven’t blogged in awhile. To be honest, I’ve had an existential crisis of sorts. Okay ‘existential crisis’ makes it sound all intellectual and life changing. Basically I’ve been wearing my velour dressing gown more than usual and shuffling around the house thinking SHIT SHIT SHIT I CAN’T WRITE ANYMORE.

Anyway, what better week to make my return than the deliciously pink Women in League Round? YAY! I suprisingly enough, love love love pink! As has been well established on Errol, I am not all that girlie. In fact the other day my hair dresser described me as a ‘sporty tomboy’. Which is completely lolz because the last time I did something even remotely sporty was get hit in the head with a footy in Year 9. Fuck me sideways ,that HURT. To this day whenever I’m at a game and someone kicks for touch I dive for cover under Sassy’s fro. Fro of steel!

Anyway, I can’t walk in heels, I sit with my legs open like a dude and I reguarly find unintentional dreadlocks in my hair but godamn I love the colour pink. In fact I’m writing this blog from my delightfully pink laptop right now. So needless to say I am all over the idea of a whole WEEK of pink! Especially when it benefits breast cancer research. Some heinous cynics have dismissed it as a ‘marketing exercise’. Well to put it as eloquently as I can…STUFF THEM.

How can anyone hate on this? I mean really. It’s giant boofy football players with PINK FACIAL HAIR. This shit is amazing. We can’t decide which one is our fave! Love Hall for his finite work on the goatee, Stewart for the fact he came up with the idea and Robbo because it’s just so damn ironic. Robbo is the sad clown of the NRL (have you noticed how completely maudlin he looks on the field this year?) and seeing him sporting something so ridiculous has made our year.

And of course, rugby league’s most famous beard had to get involved.

In fact there’s not much ‘The Wolfman’ ISN’T involved in at the moment. Bitch is everywhere. We are considering requesting some sort of finders fee from his manager, for realz. We discovered his awesome in 08 literally months before the mainstream media. Godamnit, it’s rough being ahead of the curve.

As you can see, in his quest to become the cheesiest player in the NRL, he not only pinked up his beard also inexplicably dyed his moustache jet black. WHY DAVID, WHHYYYY?? The bright pink beard wasn’t crazy enough for you? Oh, honey….no. Lucky we love you.

All that aside, huge Errol props the Manly boys for sacrificing vanity for a good cause.

Now onto the Panthers. I knew they were going to wear pink uniforms this week but godammmmmn they were PINK. Jerseys, shorts, socks, shoes…even headgear.Everything was pink. It was a team of straight up MUSK STICKS.

Matt Muskington sucessfully makes his debut for the Penrith Panthers

Not only did the Panties rock out in glaring pink, they also grew beards to raise awareness for breast cancer research. Whoever came up with this idea – you are Awesome. And yes it deserves capitalisation. Because if there’s anything we love more than a footy player with a beard, it’s a footy player with an altruistic beard.

Without such charitable exercises how would we know that youngins like Wade Graham can suprisingly cultivate such luxurious beards? And how would we know who Shane Elford was? Never noticed him when he was clean shaven, but as soon as his beard started to come through HELLLOOOO LOVER.

(Yes I could have picked a photo of WG with his tongue actually in his mouth….. but it’s funnier this way. Sorry, Wade.)

Sadly for my tips, the Panthers lost. But it did mean I got to giggle at Daniel Mifsud’s cheap jokes about the ‘pink panties going down’. Hehe…panties. (yes THAT Mifsud)

Now, onto the Most Lovably Awesome Team In The Universe, the mighty mighty Dragons! WHEEEEE! My babies busted out the Pink V once again to honour both women in league, and the Joanne McKay Foundation. Last time they wore the pink I made some predictably distasteful jokes about lady vees. This year I have decided to class it up a bit. Okay, that’s a lie….I just don’t like to recycle jokes. UNLIKE YOU WIL ANDERSON.

Sometimes I think the Dragons sit around and think up ways to make me love them even MORE. Shit is getting ridiculous. As if my boys playng brilliantly in baby pink wasn’t enough, the adorable bitches decided to kick it up a notch with a giant on field love in. Look at that photo! It’s like pure distilled joy! HOT BITCH COOPER IS SMILING. He never smiles! (Notice the ass grab on B.Moz. Respect Coops, respeecccct.)

In fact, my teams display of public affection has inspired me. I am going to launch a range of romantic greeting cards with their images on the front. Oh Kiki, you’re crazy you say? Oh no….no I ain’t. Check this shit out.

Oh yeh, I am gonna be so rich.

Massive love to the NRL, One Community and everyone involved in the Women in League initative. It actually lasts until the end of June, and we have been invited as guests of the CRL to a dinner on Wednesday night to further celebrate the contribution of women to the game.

We have it on good authority that the NSW Blues may be there. I can’t promise I won’t get drunk, latch onto Justin Poore’s ankle and scream PLS DON’T LEAVE THE DRAAGGGOOOONS. Personally, I think dragging me along behind him as he tries to escape would make for excellent strength training. Yep.

(Pics from Getty Images, League HQ and the wonderful BS)