On the eve of the first State of Origin clash I thought we should take a look back at some of past NSW and QLD themed lolz.

* One of my fave posts ever. I take a look back through all my Origin experiences starting in the mid 90s. READ IT!

* Why Queenslanders are self mythologising fantasists. THEY ARE NOT UNDERDOGS. Read about this here and also here

* The joy of NSW victory in the first game of 2008. A post entitled ‘Suck On It Queensland!’

* Sassy’s observations from the second game. Remember Greg Bird’s lolz mo?

*The decider last year…aka Black Wednesday. Thank god we experienced some serious hilarity at the game otherwise we woulda topped ourselves for realz.

As for this year, tomorrow night we will be appearing on the Fire Up Origin Special! Wheeeee! Tune into FBI Radio 94.5 at half time to hear Sassy and myself. Go on, you know you want to.

GO THE BLUES!

OKAY. HI!

We have been rather crap at posting regularly huh? Sorry, my darlings. I know you rely on us for your footy lolz. And the lack of blogging has turned some bitches crazy. I swear we found a fan outside the office the other day, clad in a soaking wet tee, screaming ERRRROLLLLLL. Totally channelling Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire.

(You love our pop culture references don’t you kids? Everyone does. Don’t ever challenge us to a game of Trivial Pursuit, we will whip yo ASS.)

So anyway, we are home from Orange. And we are straight up sad about it. We fell in love with that pretty lil town and it’s residents. We only spent a week there, but with it’s autumn coloured gorgeousness (and its amazing pubs), Orange totally stole our hearts. Damn you, Sydney, and your lack of deciduous trees!

Let’s wrap up the Country v City game shall we? (Notice this year it was officially changed to have Country first. And we like it). There was alot of talk from arrogant Sydney journalists that the game was a non event and no one would turn up to watch it. Well … they were wrong. FUCKERS! HAH!

Yes that’s right kids, the people of the Central West turned out big time. Wade Park was not only packed to capacity (that’s over 8000 people), but ppls had to be turned away at the gate. May I take this opportunity to remind you all that we ensured this would happen during our appearance on 105.9 Star FM the morning of the game. Yes, we were right and the mainstream media was wrong. NOT THE FIRST TIME. NOR THE LAST. *karate chop*

So we love the Country team so much we even … gulp … wore maroon. In public. I felt dirty but I did it for the boys. Best thing about footy at Wade Park? The amaaaazing sausage sizzle tent manned by volunteers (a whole tent of snags! hello heaven!) and the mobile TAB in a caravan. We actually put bets on while eating our sausage sandwiches. Hello Kiki + Sassy nirvana!

Well, our boys lost. It was shit. Everyone in the Country camp, including us, was pretty shocked at the scoreline. Looking at it on the scoreboard just didn’t feel at all like it should after watching the game (the first 60 minutes at least). Boo hiss booo etc etc.

But the strangest thing was just the experience of being in a country crowd to watch league. You see, we are … what’s the word? Loudmouths. That’s it. And we’re used to sitting in stadiums full of other loudmouths shoving in pies and screaming support/abuse/jokes at the game going on in front of us. Country crowds – because apparently they are usually this way – are intense.

Instead of multitasking like us city folk (blame TV for our poor attention spans) their focus is completely on the game. It makes for a really compelling experience huddling together in the cold, watching the game with 8000 people who are totally absorbed in the footy in almost a hush. Overwhelming, even.

It also means that when we yelled out for the awesome Alan Tongue and his try, his wife turned around to see where the noise was coming from and gave us a ‘… I know right? My mans is awesome’ nod of understanding. DON’T GET THAT IN THE CITY, DO YA?

Special shout out to 18th man Chris Heighington (fuck that name is hard to spell, I totes had to Google), who was both gracious and unintentionally hilarious while performing his dutiez. He had to warm up with the team in uniform … then take it off once they were done and it became obvious that no one was incapacitated during their hamstring stretches and unable to play.

He also may or may not have been forgotten in the seating plan and, well, he didn’t have a seat. He spent the whole game aimlessly wandering about the stands, up stairs, down stairs, eyes searching for something he never found. IT WAS SO SAD.

Looking back, I should have offered him my lap to sit in … right?

And worst of all … Chris was forced to do manual labour. Poor bitch had to do the heavy lifting. As you can see above, he was in charge of carrying he Eskies into the stadium. I for one am outraged. Just because he’s large, strong and hardworking doesn’t make him a bloody Clydesdale! This is even worse than Shillo being made to lug around giant chains during his Gods of Football shoot.

Anyways, we totally yelled things like BOOOOO CITY BOOOOO and DAMN YOU DAVID, then unsuprisingly went out and got drunkety drunk drunk to soothe the pain of the loss. Luckily Orange has quite the raging and hilarious nightlife to keep a girl entertained.

To finish off, I would like to make a list of Things We Learnt During Country Week (These are real lessons, not ones that happened in our heads. I swear.) Here we go.

* T.Camps has excellent taste in music. He loves Dolly Parton, Jimmy Barnes, Diesel and John Farnham. He should totally go on tour as DJ T.CAMPS. We would be all over that shit.

* As you can see from above, Chris Heighington enjoys very tight t-shirts. Whether or not this is because he can’t find t-shirts in size Clydesdale or he has an obsession with his clothes dryer, we can’t tell you. We can tell you, however, that thanks to a) the tight shirts and b) the fact he is super charming and generally lovely, resulted in him being the Ladies Choice of the week. Hey little girl with the cash to burrrrrrn. Oh, Heighno. (Ps how good is that Polaroid? My photographic skillz are unsurpassed)

* According to someone in camp, the Dragons are ‘no fun’. My response? GOOD! I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE FUN! I want them to win godamnit!

* Joel Monaghan (or ‘former Kangaroo Joel MONNAGGAN’ according to the announcer at Wade Park. lololol) is probably the funniest guy we have ever met. Not just in the NRL, but in life. We all decided that when he retires we will launch a radio show. Kiki, Sassy + Monas? Can’t you just see our heads on the back of a bus? Imagine all the endless ranga jokes! I can’t wait.

* Laurie Daley is an amazing human. Just … amazing. He gave me a birthday hug and it was one of the Top 5 moments of my life. And by ‘gave me’ I mean I wrapped my arms around his neck and drunkenly yelled LOZ IT’S MY BIRFDAAAAAY and he didn’t recoil in horror. Oh Laurie, why you so nice?

[Laurie using the phrase 'sweet as a nut' during commentary last year is one of the reasons I started loving footy. I just found out last night (Sassy swears she texted me when it happened, but I never received it *shakes fist at technologiez*) that he SAYS IT IN PERSON TOO. Oh Laurie. - Lozzy]

* Gordie Tallis is a huge fan of The Simpsons. He gave an excellent birthday rendition of Kiki, her teeth are big and greeeeen. Kiki, she smells like gasooolinnnneeee. Also, Flo Rida.

* Blocker Roach is a big believer in pheremones. He also gives truly brilliant inspirational speeches. Goosebump-worthy.

* Do not stare at Luke O’Donnell as if he can’t see you. He is not a photo on the internet, he is an actual person. He actually caught me with my lustful tongue hanging out of my mouth. Damnit.

* Dave Williams + TAB = loveerrrrs

* Ronnie Palmer (the ridiculously awes Roosters + City trainer who looks like The Cougar) enjoys headshrinking Sassy about her love life over a beer. Also, he likes to wear cashmere.

* John Cartwright is very tolerant of us. Even when we drunkenly run across the room and yell CARTTTTYYYYY. He is also a front runner for our Sexiest Coach in the NRL Award for 2009. We told him this and he seemed quite pleased.

Lastly, we want to sincerely thank Terry, Bert, Jess, Lauren and Kate at the CRL. We love you guys!! Huge thanks to the incredibly gracious Peter Mortimer (father of DanDan!) for being so open and encouraging. Our morning at your winery was truly special and one of the best moments of our trip (hope we can get that article published soon!). Thankyou to Gary who organised most of our week and hooked us up with everyone, absolute legend. Thanks to the Hawks for being so welcoming and generally adorable (the post on them is coming this week too). And thankyou to Orange!

WELL

I’M SICK AGAIN

Well I was sick. Last week. BIG TIMES. Something weird is going on. Either Greg Inglis is still working that Kiki voodoo doll or I seriously fucked someone over in a previous life. I’m gonna blame GI. Why? Because I can.

(Yes … that is me in a Dragons sleeping bag photoshopped into a hospital bed, well spotted readers.Well spotted.)

So last Tuesday night I felt a bit icky but powered on with Important Errol Business. Then I started vomming and didn’t stop for 7 hours. I ended up being rushed to the Emergency Room so I didn’t like, die from dehydration, or whatever it is that happens when you vom for 7 hours straight. I had an IV and about 25.7 litres of fluids and lots of drugs I can’t pronounce.

It was very Hollywood dramz. I was tres shitty I forgot to take my phone so I could be all Solange Knowles and update Twitter on my sicky adventures. Needless to say it was scary and upsetting and really gross. The most horrific thing about the whole experience was when the nurse WEIGHED ME. As if I wasn’t traumatised enough now I have climb on the bloody scales. Bastards.

I left with a truly disgusting bruise on my hand from the IV needle thingy and that’s it. They didn’t even hook me up with some sweet painkillers. I swear, what is the point of private health care if I don’t get mind altering drugs? Outrage! Joke! FARCE!

ANYWAY I struggled through the rest of the week (thank god I work from home in my PJ’s, oh the life of a professional blogger) hoping to get better for the Most Important Day of the Year aka ANZAC Day. In all seriousness, I hold ANZAC Day really close to my heart. It’s one of the only things I take seriously. It is a beautiful beautiful day and it makes me so incredibly proud to be Australian.

I love the solemn reflective mornings and the raucous two-up fuelled afternoons. As if that wasn’t brilliant enough, my beloved Dragons play the Chookies. I had an awesome day lined up. But my body said NO WAY KIKIPANTS. So I spent the day at home instead. BOOOOO. Thankfully Sassy came to visit me. I even put on actual pants for her. Okay, thats a lie. But I did put on a bra. Damnit….that’s a lie too.

Soooooo … THE DRAGONS WON! HOORAY! Obviously they heard I was rather poorly and decided to put on a winning performance for me. Right? Do it for the little girl in hospital, boys! Well at least Tiny Dancer Soward did, and thank god for that because that teeny package of awesome won us the game. Really, he did. 21 points all by himselfs! SOWIE KAPOWIE!

As the above picture clearly portrays, the Dragons were scarily awesome, Benny was at the helm creating fire with his bare hands and I was happy happy happy. I considered not labelling the pathetic corpsey bones as the Roosters to spare Sassy’s feelings … for about 2 seconds. HAH!

The game started off in the best way possible. One minute in and our beloved B.Moz pumps those impossibly long legs and goes over for a try! I leapt from the lounge and found myself upright for the first time all week. B.Moz cured me! He should start blessing water and shit. Get on that champ.

I deeply enjoy starting the game with a nice lil try. You know, despite what you read in Cosmo, sometimes a girl likes a bit of satisfication within the one minute mark. Just sayin.

Meanwhile I look over and Sassy was hiding under my dogs blanket. She knew it was gonna be a looooong afternoon. I kept reminding her although they may suck, at least her boys looked resplendent in their special ANZAC edition baby blue jerseys. Really, they look so pretty!

I could detail all the awes things the Dragons did (although there was still a few silly mistakes I’m not happy with, I’m sure Wayne is on that though) but let’s cut to the chase. The best thing about this game by far was the fully fledged return of Flossy Nightingale.YAAAAAY! Not only did he score a try, the adorable bitch busted out his best puppy dog cuteness on a scale not seen since 2008.

We here at Errol call him ‘the labrador of rugby league’. He just REALLY.LOVES.PLAYING.FOOTY. Obviously alot of players emote when they score tries, but what other player smiles whilst just … on the field? When Tiny Dancer busted through the line and scored that sweet sweet try Flossy just ran alongside him. Smiling, cheering and being a lovable little cheerleader. He just loves life. Life and footy and fun times! And we reckon he’s thought about licking people’s faces more than once. For the record Floss-Floss, you can lick my face anytime. WHO’S A GOOD BOYYYY?

Sup? Nothin…just warmin up my tongue.

Another highlight of the game was the way Sowie Kapowie popped over that cheeky field goal just before half time. No particular reason, just because he could. You know, the way I technically don’t have to write blogs for Errol but I do. Me and Tiny Dancer showin off our mad skillz just coz we caaaaan. WHAT WHAAAAT.

I kept waiting for the Chookies to score a try. Obviously I didn’t want them to win, but I wanted to see some semblance of a smile from Sassy. Truth be told she is kind of completely terrifying when the Roosters suck, I still haven’t recovered from the way she let loose after the Tigers game a few weeks back. We both looked expectantly at the TV … surely they must? Soon … it’s coming … almost … nope. Oh dears.

They finished the game at zip. Zero, nada, nothin … donut.

Mmmm….donut. If only the Chookies were covered in pink icing and sprinkles, I might like them a bit more. Just a suggestion.

pic – Anthony Johnson, LeagueHQ

YEEEEHA!

We have such exciting news. We have been invited by the CRL to spend the week in Orange leading up to the City vs Country game. And by ‘invited’ I mean we informed them we will be turning up and are dearly hoping they don’t put out restraining orders on us. It’s the Errol way.

(Yes that is the CRL logo pasted onto an Orange. My brain = v.literal)

Sassy and myself will be roadtripping out to the country in my mum’s car. My beloved Jeepy is awesome and has withstood me having about 10 minor accos in it, but starts to shake violently if I go over 100 on the freeway. TRUE STORY.

Anyway, we will be rockin out in Orange from Tuesday the 5th of May until the Saturday of that week. We plan to harass the team as much as possible. Needless to say we will ask them lots of inappropriate questions and report back to you all. We will also be attending lots of Official Things around town which we are tres excited about. We really hope someone calls us ‘cityslickers’.

(Note we chose our hotel because of its wireless internets so we will be blogging *LIVE FROM ORANGE* all week!)

Obviously we will be going to the big game on Friday night. Technically we should be cheering for City but whatevs. We both love plaid and cowboys soooo.. .GO COUNTRY! Also one time we went horseriding together. That’s countryish, right? It was in Fiji (yes we went on a romantical trip to Fiji together, what of it?) and we decided to spend a lovely afternoon riding horses along the beach. Now I grew up riding and I am a moderately accomplished horse lady and was looking forward to a relaxing few hours and a beautiful view of the sunset. It was all going well until it started to rain.

I immediately regretted my decision to wear a cute pair of shorty shorts. My legs really started to itch. BAD. I looked down and realised I had broken out into hives. I AM ALLERGIC TO WET HORSE.

We galloped back to the hotel, me in agony, Sassy in hysterics. We rummaged through our bags and thankfully found a Clarantyne. I rolled around the bed yelping from pain while Sassy lol’d so hard she cried.

Is that a sexy story or WHAT? Hold yaselves back boys!

And finally, it turns out we both have a birthday that week. Yes our birthdays are two days apart, we can’t believe it either. Needless to say we will be dropping hints to Hornbag that we love banana cake, Moet and vintage jewellery. Because if anyone is gonna organise a party, it’s him. You know it’s true.

(HUGE thanks to the beautiful Jess for hooking us up. We love you chicken!!)

Last weekend’s footy was a veritable festival of lolz. The Lolz Festival! I would totally go to that. Who am I kidding, I would be straight out performing. No…HEADLINING. Youse are all invited backstage of course. Together we will make that rider our bitch.

Err anyway, because Sassy and I are literally married we have a system where we support each others teams. She has been to the last few Dragons games with me, so this last Friday it was my turn to accompany her to watch the Chooks.  We proceeded to get quite drunk at our friend’s BBQ (hi Denee!) then tottled off to the footy.

To put it mildly, what a crap game. The atmosphere was non existent (sup cricket crowd!) and the first half was like watching a reggies match. The Chooks served up some of their trademark ridiculousness, including a player getting up to play the ball to no one, looking around to find a guy behind him….who was also looking around searching for someone. I squealed in horror and spilt my drink. THANKS CHOOKS. Those drinks deadset cost 15 dollars.

Meanwhile I spent most of the game trying to figure out how to get live scores from the Dragons game on my fone. I gave up and went back to the BBQ, hopped on Denee’s laptop and was delighted to see my babies came up with a win. Not a huge suprise, but god knows I love seeing the boys on the top of the table. I even did my Top Of The Table Dance which is basically star jumps until I get buggered and fall on the floor clutching my side in pain.

In natural light, Kiki’s bronzer looked decidedly greenish

Afterwards we walked stumbled down to the Leagues Club to meet some of the Bondi Rescue boys for a drink (I know, I know, we are such total celebs. Autograph line to left…). After way too many Smirnoff Blacks we decided it would be an awesome idea to accost poor Shaun Kenny-Dowall and ask him vitally important questions like ‘SKD! WHY DID U WEAR THONGS IN YOUR GODS OF FOOTBALL SHOOT? IS IT COZ YOU’RE SCARED OF GETTING TINEA?’

To his credit, he was very gracious and tolerant of our crazy. Also, we would like to apologise for terrorising some of the baby Chooks. Specifically to Sandor Earl for bringing up trimmed man pubes in our first ever conversation.

Back to the Dragons. Sadly Hot Bitch Cooper is STILL out, but obviously Channel 9 read Errol (well duh, who doesn’t) and decided to give me some sideline action to soothe my pain.

Joey - So Coops, how does it feel when Kiki violates you on the internet?
Hot Bitch – Yeh mate…not bad. Wish she would stop doing that heavy breathing thing on my voicemail though.

Tiny Dancer Soward continues to be an amazing human. Going great guns for the Drags, and more importantly for our beloved fantasy teams. His pre goal kicking dance routine is one of the top 5 greatest things about league. Like, ever. Obviously the Parra crowd doesn’t think so, those bitches were all up his business with their boos. Poor ignorant people. Everyone knows you do NOT interrupt Sowie Kapowie.

UM EXCUSE ME FUCKERS…BIT OF SHOOSH FOR MAH DANCE OKAY?

Sassy and I also watched the Cowboys v Titans. We don’t really care about either team, we just didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to watch not one but TWO teams in white shorts. Specially when said teams include Willy Zilly, John John and Luke O’Donnell. Granted, it did take us approximately 20 mins to figure out why the Cowboys looked to be playing in the Newtown Jets strip (hehe…strip), but it was totally worth it.

Onto Monday night footy. I tipped the Bunnies because well… it was Easter. Flawless logic right? WRONG. DAMN YOU RABBITOHS. Thankfully though, this game delivered two things I love: biff and lolz.

The biff was….okay, I wasn’t watching that closely. I’m still not quite sure what started it. But it sure escalated into something kind of amazing pretty quickly. Nothing says celebrating the resurrection of Christ like fisticuffs on the footy field right? We were delighted to see the muchly adorable Benny Lowe right in the middle of it. The man has curls, a sweet tan, great pins and most importantly…dimples. Clearly a new Errol fave.

This brawl’s for you, Jesus!

And then there were the lolz. These lolz stemmed from severe embarassment. Which everyone knows is the best kind of lolz. As the boys ran on for half time, a rain soaked Andy Raymond informed us that Ben Hannant wouldn’t be returning for awhile because he had a, and I quote, “case of the runs”. Oh….my god. As if tap arse isn’t embarassing enough on it’s own, now the poor bloke has to have it reported as news on national television.

Because my brother and I are basically 12 yr olds, we dissolved into a fit of giggles and started imagining if Hannant shat his pants whilst on the field. Would he have to go to the….Shit Bin? Would the ref stop the game? YOU…HANNANT..SHIT BIN! GET YOURSELF CLEANED UP! Would the trainers whack him in an adult diaper, give him a change of shorts and send him back on out there? Or maybe even…stitch his ass up?

And on that charming note, I’ll see you next week.

Screencaps from the awesome BS. Shooshing the crowd joke unashamedly stolen from Lozzy.

This is a really painful post for me to write. I’m not a particularly competitive person (effort is not my thing), but I do love winning. I came out on top last week.  I deeply enjoy rubbing in my awesomeness to my friends and family. I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty insufferable last week.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

My ENTIRE FAMILY got a perfect round. Mother, father and brother. All 8 out of 8. I got a respectable 6/8, due to tipping with my heart…damn you Panthers and Bunnies! *shakes fist*

In the footytips.com.au competition, people who get perfect rounds win a free Whopper burger.  I know, what a prize right? Anyway, this evening for dinner my family told me we were going out for a bite. I was so excited! Free food! I even put a cute little bow in my hair. We get in the car and end up at….Hungry Jacks. The bastards went inside, ate their free Whoopers and made me SIT IN THE CAR. ALONE.

Anyway, let’s check out the Round 5 leaderboard shall we? The winners for this week are:

1. Addikal (my brother)

2. Eliza-Ann (mother)

3. Bec the Lesbian

4. Krissy (apparent Broncos fan)

You may have noticed my Dad isn’t in that list. This is because he is not good at the internets and was unable to figure out how to join the Errol comp. He’s rocking out his perfect score in a competition of his own.

As for the overall leaderboard, Lozzy is still majestic at the top. Annoyingly our friend/nemesis Alex has somehow snuck into the top 4. THIS WILL NOT STAND. I will never tip with my heart again.

Oooooh dear.

The Errol office has been rocked by some rather distressing news. Our beloved Intern John John has got himself into a bit of trouble at his other job. When he isn’t doing nude filing for us, he plays on the wing for the North Queensland Cowboys.

Why is he being forced to sit on the naughty step? The poor lil bunny forgot to turn up to a recovery session on Sunday. Not a bit late, or alot late….he just didn’t go.

At this juncture we would like to step in and defend our boy. We are v.loyal bosses.

Dear Cowboys,

Please excuse Intern John John from Sunday’s recovery. He was unable to attend the session due to an emergency in our office. We were playing a particularly intense game of Dance Dance Revolution. To put it mildly, it ended in in tears. Consequently, we needed  John John’s trademark nakey cuddles to smooth the situation over.

Please be gentle on him.  He was merely being a responsible and devoted intern.

Also, maybe if you let him train pantsless once in awhile you would have more luck getting him to turn up. Just a suggestion.

Kind regards,

The Errol girls

xoxox

Okay it’s official, I am a crap person.

All week I’ve been planning to do the Most Awesome Post Ever on the amazingness that was Dragons v Broncos last Friday. And well, I just haven’t got round to it. I’m sure you are all terribly upset (“I’m not even mad, just disappointed…”) but you’re just gonna have to make do with this shambles of a post.

So now you are just getting the vitally important bits. And by vitally important I mean ‘stuff I find amazing and lolz’.

UNCLE WAYNE IS THE SHIT

Despite his assertions that this game was no different from any other, you just know Benny was freaking out during the lead up. Well as much as he can freak out, which probably entails a slightly raised eyebrow and maybe an extra sip of his scotch and dry during happy hour at the leagues club.

[... or his lemon lime and bitters? I think I remember from the Uncy Wayne Australian Story that he is a teetotaller, although to be honest I was crying like a bitch about 5 minutes into it, so I could be wrong. IT WAS JUST REALLY EMOTIONAL. I LOVE YOU UNCLE WAYNE - Sassy]

And well, he kicked ass. And even more importantly – he emoted. I know you Broncos fans will go to your graves thinking his blood runs maroon and gold, but kids let me ask you this … did Uncy Wayne ever smile this way when coaching your team?

Yep, didn’t think so. Not only is he smiling, but the notoriously media shy Benny is well…well he’s posing for a glamour shot. I like to think donning the red and white has infused him with a new sense of self confidence. Bitch thinks he’s a sexy motherfucker! You just know he’s strutting around his bedroom, practicing poses and belting out Destinys Child lyrics.

Yes Wayne, I think we ARE ready for this jelly

KIKI IS STRESSY McGEE

Okay, I’m prepared to admit it. I was a complete and utter MESS this game. I know I’ve said it a million times but I am not a particularly emotional person. I don’t get stressed all that easily and I think most people would describe me as at least moderately laid back. But not when the Dragons play.

I become a whole other person. To be honest, shit is scary.

This game was extra special. The Broncs have been playing some awesome football, and even though they are totally our bitches and we had beat them in the last 7 games (and now it’s 8/8! yessss!) I was still really goddamn nervous. I guess I wanted Benny and the boys to prove they are true premiership contenders. My Red V clad heart was literally beating out of my chest the entire time. I was pretty much a Warner Bros cartoon come to life.

Consequently, I spent the entire game in two positions. A) lying on the lounge in the fetal position covering my eyes, shuddering in fear and B) leaping off the lounge and performing my patented ’we just scored a try’ routine. Which involves a victory dance that resembles a mutated irish jig, thrusting excitedly into thin air, and yelling SUCK IT BRONCOOOOS while giving the double rudey finger to the TV. God, I wish I was joking.

I am ashamed to admit this, but when Brisbane made that mini comeback just outside the 70th minute, I totally lost my nerve and developed a sudden urge to go and return a DVD. Yes kids, I literally left the house, got into my car and drove away. I hate myself.

YOU BOYS ARE THE BESTEST

Oh my, I don’t think I’ve ever been this proud of my boys. Sure we have won games before, but this one was different. Even Gus Gould announced it felt like an Origin match. That’s exactly how it felt. So tense, so full on, so fucking satisfying.

Let’s do a roll call, shall we?

BEN CREAGH – Look, we are just totally enamoured with this man. He embodies toughness. He never talks himself up, never plays dirty, he is just always THERE. Ready for the hit up, ready to make the big tackle and ready to roll over the defence and score a sweet sweet try. Not to mention he did all that on Friday night with a BROKEN NOSE. Bitch could only breathe through his mouth but did he ask to come off? Nope. It’s all the way with Benny Creagh!

[I think that slogan is some of my best work ... thanks to 'All the way with' Stephanie Kaye from Degrassi for giving me the idea. Am seriously considering making an all the way with Benny Creagh sign for the next Drags game - S]

MICHAEL WEYMAN – Shit has this guy been a great buy or what? Used to love watching him punch on whilst at the Raiders. Obvs Wayne doesn’t put up with that silly bizness so now he’s just channelling his rage into making speedhumps out of the opposition. I cannot believe the man is only 24. To quote Michael K from Dlisted “That is some Benjamin Buttons shit!”.

JAMIE SOWARD – A long time Errol favourite, Tiny Dancer’s awesomness is finally coming to the attention of others. We couldn’t be happier for him! Scored a cracker of a try, had a brilliant kicking game and generally lead the team around like the little general he is. Well deserved Man of The Match. Extra points for leaving his head gear on during the interview. Heart.

BEAU SCOTT – I’ve always had a soft spot for Beau. His unexpected work in the centres in the past few weeks has been a revelation. Best moments on Fri night? Setting up that try for Dell, and sledging his heart out at any opportunity. He’s such a little shit and I love it.

BRETT MORRIS – Yaaaaaaaaay! Do we really need to say anything here? You people have eyes right? B.Moz had a cracker. That try was just….wow. Yet more proof that as soon as we write about someone, their awesomness increases exponentially. Science, just is etc etc

WENDELL SAILOR – Just when I think Big Dell couldn’t possibly get more amazing, he proves me wrong. He is one of the most marvelous humans to ever exist and no one will ever convince me any different. The Broncos crowd booed him every time he got the ball. What was Dell’s response? To score an awe inspiring try and kick the ball into the crowd. The exact crowd that were booing him. HE IS SO FUCKING INCREDIBLE.

Also, his constant sledging of the oppositon is something to behold. I think Antonio Winterstein actually shit his pants. Awesome.

PS – Did you know his middle name is JERMAINE? Wendell Jermaine. Holy shit that is great.

HOT BITCH & UNCY WAYNE ARE BFF

Okay I’ve been watching footy for a bloody long time but I can honestly never remember seeing a player hanging in the coaches box the way Hot Bitch Cooper was. You know, just chillin with rugby league’s greatest coach. As you do. I literally got text messages from about 8 different people like ‘omg! kiki! hot bitch in the coaches box!’. OH I KNOW KIDS, I KNOOOOOW.

Sadly my man Coops is out with a dodgy hammy until Anzac Day, so I had resigned myself to weeks without his hotness gracing my TV. Obviously he could sense my despair so he rocked out some patented Hot Bitch intensity to cheer me up.

Channel 9 ….you better be getting this shit. Kiki says it’s my best side.

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Oooooh hello…. I look pretty good from this angle too. Sweet.

Watching the interaction between UW and HB made me realise Coops could totally be assistant coach when (if?) he retires from footy. Actually judging from his perfect physique, he should actually be a conditioning coach. YESSS! After he’s finished with the boys, the Dragons will be an entire team of Hot Bitches. Oooooh mercy.

A particularly pervy Dragons fan on League Unlimited announced ‘Kiki, now all you have to do is make it into the top 17 and Cooper can condition you….up and dooooown’.

This is literally the best idea I have ever heard. I reckon I can carry it off too. I will be like Amanda Bynes in She’s The Man! Strap my boosies down, whack on an awes boys wig and rock up to training. OH HAI I’M TOTES UR NEW WINGER!

I can’t believe I’m going to admit to this (publicly), but one time I actually got mistaken for a boy.Yup.

Cracked out homeless dude - “Excuse me sir, do you have some spare change?”

Me - “………………….”

In my defence I was wearing no make up, ripped boys jeans, an old baggy vintage t shirt and newsboy cap. BUT STILL. GODDAMNIT.

Errrr anyway back to HB + UW. Did you see them….touching? Cynics will tell you it was a handshake, I say it’s the touch of two men about to invest in a Best Friends Forever necklace.

You heard it here first.

(Screencaps thanks to the lovely BS, he always gets us the good stuff. We love him. Go check his blog pls)

YESSSSSS

SUCK IT BRONCOS! (sorry Bec. and Bree)

*air boxes*

I realise the above graphic is completely ridiculous but it’s how I feel right now. That’s what Kiki’s Joy looks like people. Big Dell resplendent in the Red V, grinning wildly after scoring a cracker of a try…..and pastel hearts and stars. Yayayayayayay!

What an AMAZING game. I feel like I’ve just had great sex. My lower back hurts, I have a headache and I’m slightly dazed…but I feel totally fulfilled and satisfied. Yesssssss.

A full and comprehensive recap is coming soonish (I took proper notes for youse and everything) but for now let me say these names : CREAGH! JAMIE! BIG DELL! B.MOZ!

I is just so proooooud.

And yes I am home posting/boasting on a Friday night. I’m sick you assholes, don’t judge me. Let me just say this – Dragons + Uncle Wayne + 2009 = GRAND FINAL BITCHES.

Helllooooo chickens!

Apologies for the lack of posting lately. I’ve been struck down by some sort of ghastly death cough and have been struggling to breathe/walk/live for the past week. I am starting to think Greg Inglis might have constructed some sort of Kiki voodoo doll and been sticking pins into the tiny tiny doll lungs. Seriously Gregory, it’s a bit much isn’t it? Just because I bag out your bizzarely oily hair, publicly accuse you of being a traitor to your state (YOU’RE FROM NSW AND YOU KNOW IT BITCH) and loathe your team…do I really deserve this sort of vengeful treatment?

Anyway Mister Soul Glo, I get the point okay? Lay off doll Kiki for awhile will ya? For the love of god LET ME BREATHE AGAIN. Thx.

(Note that is my hair photoshopped onto a voodoo doll. I know I know, I am clever and hilarious.)

Anyway,  am one sick lady right now. Unfortunately last weekend was booked chock full weeks in advance and because I am loyal, brave and generally amazing I refused to cancel anything. Ain’t no way I was ditching Lozzy’s birthday, supporting Sassy and her woeful Chookies and most importantly (sorry girls) … my beloved Dragons returning to Kogarah.  R2K BABYYYYYY!

Ohhh my it was amazing. The refurbished stadium looks absolutely stunning and the atmosphere was electric. Yep, electric. Lets break it down shall we?

1) We had seats in the new grandstand which had the greatest view of the hill (and the footy obvs). It was bathed in glorious red and white, with only a small section of those filthy Sharks fans polluting the scene.  The first try we scored the crowd went WILD and I well….well I got goosebumps. Actual goosebumps. I showed the girls and they mocked me [I did NOT! I said 'awww'. I get goosebumps during TV season finales. We all have our things - L]. I was mortified until Sassy reminded me of that time when we both got goosies while listening to Wes Carr’s NRL theme song in the car. Yes, we are really that lame.

2) Kogarah is such an incredible ground that Sassy has decided she is going to cheat on the Roosters and have an affair with the Dragons. Did you hear that Chooks? You drove her to footy adultery! We are currently in the process of signing her up to get a Red V membership and everything. I’m not joking people. (The fact that being a Red V member means you can go to after match functions and stalk the Big Dell is only approx 56% part of the reason she’s joining)

2) The demise of Hot Bitch Cooper. NOOOOO! I promised Lozzy an uninterrupted view of Hot Bitch for her birthday, but his hammy made a liar out of me. You see readers, seeing him on TV is one thing….but in person it’s a whole other thing. TV doesn’t capture the way he prowls around the field like he owns the bitch or bends over during plays (hello ass!). It definitely doesn’t capture his ridiculously intense sex-is-on-fireness. [I think seeing Hot Bitch in person is kind of a rite of passage. Sort of like the Bar Mitzvah or Deb Ball of Rugby League - L]

We were all soooooo sad times. Let’s console ourselves with some my own Hot Bitch photography shall we? I took these during the Titans game. There’s alot of ass because we were sitting behind the goal posts. Also, I am a pervert.

Ahhhhh yes. V.nice.

4) B.MOZZZZZZ! Oooooh we are so proud of you baby! We are absolute Morris twin freaks here at Errol. I cried sad sad tears last year when I realised they would be separated (THANKS GASNIER GRRR). My sadness was compounded this year when Bretty wasn’t named in the starting line up for the first two weeks. What an absolute bloody JOKE. I was outraged, as was everyone in the Errol office.  Even more upsetting was the fact a small percentage of Dragons (ones I don’t like…boooo!) fans took this opportunity to lay into him, call him mean names and imply he’s useless.

Well after the weekends awesome performances may I just say – NOT SO USELESS ANYMORE HUH BITCHES. SUCK IT HATERS.

He had a ripper of a game. He was all line breaks and big runs and awesomeness. And….look at that face! It would make angels weep! I think I used that expression for Shillo last year, but clearly it is even more applicable here. Anyway, Bretty is getting another run against Brisbane this Friday night and needless to say we will be cheering him on in our loungerooms. If we weren’t so lazy we would totally hit Lincraft, get busy with some glitter glue and sequins and whip up some handmade  WE LUV YOU B.MOZ t shirts. [And can I just say, I may not have got to see much of Hot Bitch for my birthday, but I did get some Bretty. THANKS UNIVERSE! - L]

Okay, now onto the other games. Yes apparently there are other teams in the NRL apart from the Dragons…who knew!

Once again I watched pretty much every game. Highlights include -

a)  the Broncos Alex Glenn giggling with delight as he scored a try against the Warriors. It was very Flossy-esque. More of that please Mr Glenn!

b) Us bursting into fits of lolz every time David Taylor came onto the screen. BABY OR BREAKFAST BURRITO?

c) The unspeakable rage of Des Hasler. Wow….just….WOW. Just when you think you’ve seen the peak of Dessie’s anger, he reaches a whole new level. Dessie’s performance in the coach’s box on Monday night was a sight to behold. I have this thing where sometimes I get so mad I don’t know how to express it and simply make lots of tiny jerky movements. Tiny tiny movements full of rage. Dessie did the exact same thing. Oh how I laughed/felt fearful for Manly players.

d) As much as it totally fucked up my tips, I was all over the Panthers gutsy win. That was some awesome football. Well done children! And yes, children is totally the appropriate word here because the games superstars were none other than our work experience boy Lachlan Coote and Errol Cutest Rookie of the Year nominee, Wade Graham.

By the way: looks like the Panthers’ Irish dancing classes were starting to kick in

At this juncture I would like to point out that we are what some would call ‘trailblazers’. Footy trailblazers.

Who wrote about Marc ‘The Herb’ Herbert before he even played a game? WE DID. Who featured Kayne Lawton in the Hot Man News months before he was picked to be a God of Football? WE DID. Who discussed Davey Williams awesomeness/hotness literally months before the rest of the world caught on? WE DID. And who hired Lachie and cooed over Wade (and his beautiful eyelashes) a loooong time before most people even knew their names? OH YEH, IT’S US.

So footy players, if you crave superstardom all you have to do is get us on side. Being an Errol favourite is like winning the lottery. Yep.

See you next week cupcakes!