Morning kittens! To help soothe you into the hideousness that is Monday, the boys over at the NSWRL have uploaded our latest comical/incompetent video from the NSW Cup. This one is from the round six Newtown vs Wentworthville game out at Ringrose Oval in Wenty … coincidentally also a Men of League fundraising day. Hurrah!
Check it out to see Sassy discussing shirtlessness and beer with Brian Smith from the Chooks, Kiki being sledged by Parra icon Bob O’Reilly, the gorgeous strawberry blond curls of one Sean Rutgerson, and one of our favourite humans ever -- Emu the Wenty trainer. We think you’ll especially enjoy the bit where Sassy bogans out over Smirnoff Blacks.
Highlights sadly not caught on camera:
* Overhearing one of the Wenty club men talking about us, and his friend looking over and saying “… they’re not THAT young”. Burned!
* Seeing the hilarious Mick from Newtown, and being brought beers by dirty spunk Jason ‘I’m not Lebanese’ Baiteri.
* Bob ‘Bear’ O’Reilly whipping off his official ‘Men of League’ shirt and giving it to Sassy. When she protested it was too big: “keep it just in case you bulk up darlin”.
And many thank you gropes to the awesome Martin Cook from Men of League for helping us out.
We are absolutely bloody exhausted right now. We spent the entire day at the Easter Show, most of that time was spent on the cattle lawn with NRL players and really cute kids. And wow, that lawn provided a powerful stench. It also provided Kiki with Embarassing Life Moment #567
Servo dude -- “Busy day today?”
Kiki -- “Yeh, I was working at the Easter Show. I had to go home and have a shower coz I smelt like poo.”
Servo dude -- “…..”
Kiki -- “I MEAN COW POO. NOT HUMAN POO. GOD.”
We’re also pretty proud, cause today is a big day bitches. Today is the WORLD PREMIERE OF ERROL TV. We have been talking about it for ages, creating videos just for Errol. But because we are us, it’s taken about 6 months to turn ideas into reality. But finally, we did it! Hoorah!
We are dedicated to our Errol readers. We will even spend a day in a tent that smells of shit. Behold, the debut of Errol Tv! Featuring us and our double chins, Kiki’s unbelievably bad hair, Rhys Wesser, Luke Priddis, Trent Waterhouse, Roosters cuddles and a Tiger who really really loves hot dogs. Please know that when Sassy says ‘fans’, she does it with irony. And please watch out for the ARL dude running a training drill while smashing an entire ear of corn on a stick. Legend.
Apologies from Kiki re -- the whole ‘I can’t be bothered doing my makeup so I’m gonna wear giant Top Gun sunnies that look terrible on camera’. It won’t happen again. Live and learn people.
Other highlights of the day, sadly not all of them caught on film, included:
* Mario Fenech burning Sassy: “you’re a funny girl, but not intentionally”.
* Mario telling us we were the best looking media there. Considering everyone else was a dude, this isn’t much of a compliment. BUT THANKS MUZ! We love ya.
* Sassy pretending to kick Andy from the NRL, only for him to literally flinch in fear. Awesome.
* We found ourselves needing a break from the poo smell. We soon discovered a place that served margaritas. Kiki asked “can we have one? is it 12pm yet?”. Sassy responded “11.40am, close enough. It’s tequila time.” Mmmm … frozen daytime alcohol.
* Kiki being so upset by Luke Priddis telling her she is too old for a Disney Princess showbag, she ended up buying a Tinkerbell stationery one instead.
She does love her new Tink pencil tin and matching Tink crayons (and created Sassy a truly spectacular artwork for her fridge) but deep down she really wanted a plastic tiara. DAMN YOU LUKE PRIDDIS.
And look how happy Sassy looks. Kiki missed out like WOAH.
* Luke Priddis redeeming himself by telling Kiki her Dragons necklace was ‘beautiful’ during their interview. Well spotted L.Pridd.
* Seeing Isaac Luke exiting the Milking Barn. Apparently he is really into dairy.
Make sure you comment and tell us what you think x
We googled ‘fantasy’ and this is what came up. Awesome.
WHAT UP ERROLERS!
Welcome to Fantasy League Friday. This will be a weekly occurence. And by ‘weekly occurence’ we mean it will appear every Friday until we get distracted/lose interest/spill vodka all over our laptops making it impossible to blog. But never fear darlings, it’s safe to say we are completely and utterly obsessed with fantasy league. Hardly a suprise, considering we never do anything by halves. But for Kiki it’s got to the point where she couldn’t sleep a few nights during the week because she was stressing over what changes she should make to her team. TRUE STORY.
Anyway, let’s cut to the chase shall we? Who is better, the sinners or the saints? Wellllll…..*very dramatic drum roll*….
WINNER
Kiki Lil Angels : 400 points
LOSER
Sassy’s Second Chances : 396 points
DAAAAAAMN. So close for Sassy, yet so so far. Kiki feels lucky to ‘get away with a win’ so has repressed any urges to perform an obnoxious victory dance.
As you may have noticed, neither of us scored particularly highly. Why so? Because, as is the answer we use so often….we are idiots. We didn’t realise the bench players actually contributed points. Sure we shoulda realised that considering that’s how actual football works but…WE ARE IDIOTS, REMEMBER?
Consequently our benches weren’t properly thought out and had players that didn’t even play over the weekend, that’s why we are so shit in our own competition etc etc.
So this week, the gloves are off and we is Serious Supercoaches. Any loyalty we had towards players we picked in the first round has been swiftly disposed of replaced with cut throat pragmatism. Sure, Kiki adores Daniel Mortimer but the useless (and expensive) thing only scored her 11 points. ELEVEN POINTS PEOPLE. He’s gone.
Behold, this weeks transfers -
Kiki’s Lil Angels
Nick Kenny in for John Kite - well John Kite wasn’t even named in his team last week, a detail Kiki managed to overlook. Nick Kenny is a worthy member of the Angels, as he was a nominee for Ken Stephens Medal in 2009. We worked the One Community Awards for the NRL and consequently had to study what each nominee had done. We won’t go into details but Nick’s good deeds moved Kiki to tears. Actual wet droplets coming from her eyes.
Also, he’s a qualified physio so if one of the Angels has an injury he can use his Jesus like hands to do some miracle healing. NICK KENNY YOU ARE LOVE.
Corey Patterson in for Alan Tongue – Sorry, Sir Alan. You didn’t do anything specifically wrong, but Corey scored more points last week and cost less on the salary scale. He qualifies for the Angels because he’s fronted up publicly about his battle with clinical depression and encouraged others to seek help.
Joseph Tomane in for Daniel Mortimer - Reason for cutting Dan Dan are above. Kiki googled Tomane and he has yet to have a public scandal so BAM welcome to the Angels Jo.Toms!
Sam Perrett in for Krisnan Inu – One Jebus lover in for another! Sam is what we lovingly call ‘a happy clappy Christian’. Hey if you’re gonna worship the lord you should totally do it while harmonising with other Islanders right? He also has a lovely habit of high scores in fantasy league. Sorry Krisnan. Maybe start praying to your Mormon God for more ball.
[Also - Sam deserves a little public adulation after he was CRUELLY ROBBED in the Footy Show's talent contest back in ... whenever it was. The Soul Brothers from the Roosters were clearly a billion times better than the James Blunt dude who won it. - Sassy]
Due to his amazing high score last week, Coach Kiki has ditched Nips Farah as her captain and given Sam the honour. DON’T LET HER DOWN SAMUEL.
Over in the Second Chances camp, spirits are high. Sure, the boys didn’t take home the 2 points for the win, but there are Very Promising Signs. Their fearless leader Todd Carney smashed his first round with 51 points. Fifty-One!
After the game the rest of the team spontaneously stood on the locker room benches and chanted O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN. It was some straight-up emotional Dead Poets Society shit.
Sadly former intern Greg Bird didn’t sparkle as Coach Sassy had hoped. He played not so much like a footy star seeking redemption as … a potato with hands. Hands made of other uncoordinated potatoes. BUT WE LIVE IN HOPE. Coach Sassy is harsh, but fair. She’s ruthless, but occasionally merciful. And this week instead of cutting Greg Bird and his miserable 11 points, she’s giving him another week and lots of cuddles to see if he can improve. Sassy was also devastated when her favourite Jewish winger Bronx ‘Goldwin’ Goodwin was injured in reserve grade. There go his chances of being a Second Chance.
We did boot the injured Arana Taumata and Nathan Fien, and welcome driving-offender Cooper Vuna and Terence Seu Seu for his fine supporting work in the Brett Seymour scandal. It’s actually a hell of a lot harder than you would think to find a scandal-prone hooker. Plus Lote Tuqiri was unwilling to sign as the Second Chances winger for the money we were offering. Sigh. Welcome aboard, kids!
How can we put into words just how freaking insanely AWESOME this game was? Admittedly, when it comes to footy, it doesn’t take us much to get excited. It doesn’t even have to be an actual game. We get footy thrills from just watching training, reading lolz articles, seeing photos of players we like in the paper (OMG GUYS PRESTON IS ON THE FRONT PAGE!!!), discussing fantasty football at length during plane rides, listening to Wes Carr’s ‘Woah’ on iTunes…..you get the idea.
As the above photo accurately portrays, when it comes to footy we are pretty much cats with a ball of yarn. EXCITING! FASCINATING! OCCUPIED FOR HOURS! But even our tragic league brains can recognise when something is universally amazing. And the All Stars game was. When non-footy people make a point of saying to us ‘wasn’t that game brilliant?’ you know it’s hit a nerve.
Shout out to our gorgeous friend Eddie, who is a recent footy convert….she watched it alone at home back in Sydney and sent us endless text messages like “Ummmm I keep tearing up. What is wrong with me??” and “Ooooh SamBurgess is hot!“. Considering she doesn’t even like guys, that’s a pretty big compliment for Sam.
All this excitement, AND we got to hang out at the NRL’s One Community stand before the game and people…WE MET HEALTHY HAROLD. Yes, the giraffe that came to our primary schools and taught us about healfy fings. In a caravan. Everyone knows any message spread inside a caravan is one worth spreading. Together with Harold and Mario Fenech we challenged kids to making funny faces with fruit, vegies and wholegrain tortillas. Yes, you read that right.
After spending the week in the Goldy and meeting so many Indigenous people involved in the game, players, management and fans, watching the game took on a whole new significance for us. Not to get all political or anything, but when the amazing dancers were performing, we marvelled at the fact Indigenous culture is still so strong and so proud, after White Australia has had more than a few cracks at destroying it.
The feeling in the stadium was something we’ve never experienced before. It made Origin look understated and passionless. We will straight up admit : shit got emotional. There was definitely goosebumps and we had to literally choke back tears a few times during the night. Please don’t point out that we are weird or creepily and suddenly attached to a people and culture that are not our own, WE KNOW, WE KNOW. You just can’t help how ya feel, okay?
We won’t go through the game play by play, because we know you all watched it for yourselves, but our highlights include – Wendell’s beautiful try and his hysterical didgeredoo routine afterwards, youngin Blake Ferguson chasing down Izzy Folau to save a try, Corey Patterson’s MASSIVE hit on Kurt Gidley (we swear you could hear that oooooof noise up the other end of the field) and best of all, Errol fave Tiny Dancer Soward scoring that absolute ripper of a try to win the game. SO.FREAKING.GOOD.
Oh, also? Matt Cooper in an entirely white uniform was pretty sweet too.
Much fun was had post game too. Including -
- the fact that we were so proud that we were in the same room Wayne Bennett for hours without accosting him … until Kiki’s liquid courage kicked in and she trotted over to introduce herself. The result? UNCLE WAYNE SMILED. For realz. She also showed him her beloved Dragons necklace (that she never takes off) and he said it was … wait for it … “adorable”. Yes people, Uncle Wayne used the word adorable. We are still speechless.
(She also may or may not have put her back out while performing her OMGZ I JUST MET GOD dance for a group of people. It’s still sore.)
- Sassy finding herself in a Serious Discussion about what would be the best approach to coaching a forward like Sam Burgess with Brad Fittler and Telegraph journo Andrew Webster. All she could offer was ‘ummmmmm … did you know I once coached a fantasy team?’
- a rugby league legend helpfully telling us if we wanna be on TV, we have to ‘tone the hair down … you have TOO MUCH HAIR’. Also ‘you have beautiful faces! The hair is a distraction!’. Easily the weirdest and loliest moment of our week, possibly our lives. Kiki had to talk down Sassy from marching over and telling him it’s Queensland, mate! You try keeping your curls under control in this kind of humidity. GOD.
(He had clearly been to one of those management courses where they teach you how to give advice without offending people by MAKING SURE YOU THROW IN A COMPLIMENT. “Girls! You have too much hair … um, but you’re beautiful too. Please don’t hit me” – Sass)
- Kiki finally fulfilling her aim of the week, and getting her hug from Jamal Idris. And by ‘getting’, we mean she stormed up to him purposefully, yelled JAMAL I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN I HAVE TO HUG YOU and launched herself at him. Thankfully he didn’t seem to be too bothered by her creepiness.
- Kiki then asking Jamal if his acting ambitions are for real, or were they a media beat up. His answer? He really, truly wants to be an actor. We could not love him more.
And with that, the best week ever was over and we were relegated to being sad pandas. The countdown to All Stars II has begun. Bring it on!
We want to say big BIG thankyous to the NRL, especially Trish, Janelle, Jodie and Nish. And much love to DG, DT and John B, thanks for for the encouragement and support boys! Also thanks to Jason from the Titans, Phil, Chris and the boys from the NSW U16′s Indigenous team. And of course to all the players who were very generous and gracious all week.
Friday’s All-Star week itinerary: junior clinic with the Indigenous team. Whee! If you didn’t get the translation of that, it basically means: cuteness.
We rocked up to find the lucky schoolkids itching to get some footy player signatures. And the one line that was four times the length of the others? For the one and only Preston Campbell. Dammit those kids have good taste. WE LOVE PRESTO.
One little guy needs a leg up
Basically everywhere he went he was surrounded by a scrum of worshipping kids. It took all our willpower not to join it.
For a second we actually thought Pres was the only guy in the tent, until Sassy noticed he was actually hanging out with Greg Bird. At this point Kiki turned around and said: “oh yeah! It’s so weird no one wants to get an autograph from him, poor guy”.
Except THAT’S NOT GREG BIRD, KIKI. THAT’S JUST SOME RANDOM GUY STANDING AROUND IN A MAMBO SHIRT. Greg Bird is that other guy, over there in the indigenous team shirt over there signing posters for little kids. Maybe it’s time to get some prescription sunglasses. Just sayin.
[Um.... in my defence that bloke is a dead ringer for Gregory and I stand by that. - Kiki]
Our girl Yasmin has also just arrived in the Goldy to watch the match tomorrow with us, so we dragged her along to get her first glimpse of the team she’ll be cheering. At the sight of Tom Learoyd-Lahrs we realised it was a Completely Awesome Idea. She paused with her Coke Zero straw halfway to her mouth and finally whispered: ” … who is THAT?”.
To quote Gorden Tallis “… is that a brother or what, girls?” Indeed that is a brother, Gorden. If by ‘brother’ you mean ‘hot bitch’.
TLL attempts to figure out whether he’s creeped out or flattered by Gorden’s remark
We also want to send our condolences to these kids, who go to school right next to Pizzey Park where the clinic was held. Having their lunchtime entrapped behind a wire fence. So close, yet so so far.
They hate their lives.
And before we go to the game tomorrow at Skilled Park, we want to give out a few awards that we came up with in the last week. Grab your drinks and get ready to clap, bitches:
King of Hearts: Preston Campbell
Ladies Choice: Sam Burgess
Stealth Spunk: Joel Thompson
Best Rug: George Rose
Worst surfer: Michael Jennings
Most European Boardshorts: Nate Myles (those bitches were SHORT)
Sad Panda Award: Billy Slater
Most Confused by Life: Anthony Tupou
Kids’ Favourite: Scott Prince
Best Value: Gorden Tallis
For the record, we are cheering for the Indigenous team. When we told Preston Campbell we’d be in his corner he seemed totally surprised when he said ‘awww, thank girls!’. BUT IT’S TRUE.
Some days are … unexpected. You start out driving around lost in your ridiculous (borrowed) beige Mitsubishi Sigma station wagon, and before you know it you’re holding a microphone up to a shirtless Sam Burgess and trying to look at his eyes while he’s talking instead of his pecs.
Thursday afternoon the boys from the All-Stars and the Indigenous team all headed to White Water World to hang out with some special kids at a One Community function, and for reasons we don’t wanna question we were allowed to interview the players and cover it for nrl.com. Thank you, universe!
If there’s anything more adorable than footy players living it up with mobs of school children on giant waterslides … we haven’t seen it. Robbie Farah had barely made it in the gates before he had his shirt off and had hit the waterslide in his Teamm8 boardies. Luke Bailey spent the ride yelling out ‘we’re gonna flip! we’re gonna flip!’, and Josh Morris got out of his giant inflatable raft by executing an amazing face-plant into the pool. It was magical.
All the boys were paired up, which meant Nate Myles and Anthony Watmough were paired up to wrangle and entertain a group of kids together. All we can say is that – together – those two radiate mischief, especially when they’re squishing Kiki on either side to cover her in water. We love Watmough’s personalised mike check, too. It goes something like: WET…WATMOUGH…CHECK 1-2 …WET … into the microphone. So good.
George Rose took out fashions on the field with his awesome headdress: an soaking wet indigenous team shirt tied into a do-rag. Also, props to Georgie for rocking the full chest hair rug when everyone else had gone the trim. Represent, Burt Reynolds!
Did we mention the shirtlessness?
For one thing, yes shirtless Sam Burgess is exactly as much of a dreamboat as you’d expect.
Clearly we are not the kind of people who think ahead. If we did, we woulda realised that to go on waterslides, yes, people tend to get their gear off. But somehow our booze and TV-addled brains didn’t manage to put 2 and 2 together to get ‘shirtless Matt Cooper’. GOOD GOD. They should put a warning on that. Not only shirtless, but SOAKING WET.
Kiki was midway through recording to camera when her mouth just opened like one of those rotating clowns at the Easter Show, she fell completely silent for about 5 seconds, then yelled CRAP when she realised she’d blown her take. It was all totally Hot Bitch Cooper’s fault for walking past, pausing and watching her and, you know … existing. How are we meant to stay professional under those kind of circumstances? We’re seriously considering filing some kind of shirtless incapacitation claim.
We’ve never seen as many happy kids though. Swishing around in plastic rafts with Sam Thaiday! Wrestling with Wendell in the wave pool! Saying creepy things about getting to touch Jonathon Thurston (that bit was kinda weird, not gonna lie).
We’re not really what you’d describe as ‘shy’ but spotting Wayne Bennett almost made us silent. Mid conversation with our cameramen we grabbed each other and yelled IT’S UNCLE WAYNE! We stood there for a good 5 minutes, clutching each other while Sassy pointed and Kiki announced “it’s like being 3 metres away from GOD!”. Needless to say our cameramen were … confused.
We kept spotting players we wanted to interview but couldn’t grab because they happened to be having a discussion with the great Benny. Rule number 1 of fight club: you do not interrupt Uncle Wayne.
You can however, interrupt the Australian captain Cam Smith and halfback Jonathan Thurston purely to get to Gordon Tallis to ask him for an interview. That’s totally fine.
As far as we’re concerned hosting community events at water parks is the greatest idea ever. We like to think it was another one from Preston Campbell’s Big Books of Awesome Ideas. First he comes up with the Indigenous showcase game – which we’re already in love with – then he busts out shirtless Thursday on the Gold Coast.
Thumbs up, Pres!
Stay tuned for the video, we’ll link you when it’s up x
In amongst all the All-Stars vs Indigenous excitement you might not have realised that there’s a Saturday night curtain raiser: the Under 16 NSW indigenous rep team will be taking on their Queensland counterparts. IT’S MINI ORIGIN! Personally, we have high high hopes that the baby blues can win the shield for NSW pride.
We also hope they can bring it home because … well dammit those boys are adorable. We met Captain and Vice-Captain Matt Gordon and Tyrone Phillips at their sweet digs, and had a chat to them and their hilarious coach, Chris, over some teen-appropriate drinks (promise). Say hi, boys:
We ran into the guys at opposed training, marking up against the Indigenous team on a ridiculously hot day up at Runaway Bay.
In typical Queenslander fashion, the Queensland 16s ran out first for their training session, leaving the NSW boys to wait around for their chance to face up against the Indigenous team. Bloody Queenslanders!
Seriously, even from the sideline we were taken aback at the sheer LARGENESS of Wendell Sailor in person – can you imagine marking up against him on the footy field?
Our NSW boys have some guts, that’s for sure. They’re also the absolute legends who stopped to save a family in distress. We’re not kidding either, they literally did. The under 16s team bus pulled over and spilled out a whole team of footy players to push a family’s car back onto the Gold Coast highway after they accidentally ran off the road. Check yo boys, NSW! They’re awesome, huh?
The NSW U16 reps team is also the same one that produced Jamal Idris and George Rose, and Matt and Tyrone are nervous and excited and every emotion in existence at the thought of opening for the All-Stars vs Indigenous showcase and being part of the history books. Their thoughts on Preston’s idea? “Genius … that’s all I can say”.
Best of all, Matt Gordon (Yileen’s cousin, if you’re wondering) has a bet going with Errol Favourite George Rose. If Matty takes a man down in the U16s clash, George Rose will take down an All-Star. IT’S ON, KIDS. Watch out for the carnage on Saturday night!
Now, because we’re on the road with our lappies we can’t do any proper video editing: so in the meantime we’ve made some mini-packages of Matt and Tyrone and their coach, Chris Binge. The boys talk about their week in the Goldy and the game on Saturday, and Chris gives us a rundown of who’s who in the team.
Here’s a hint: there’s a George Rose, a Carl Webb, even a greyhound.
Apologies in advance for us cackling like hyenas in the background at Chris … he’s just so FUNNY. Enjoy, darlings!
Wanna know where we’ve been lately? Well for reasons that no one really understands, the NRL have been letting us loose at some One Community functions recently to interview the players and guests for nrl.com. Seriously. Yes, we have fake interns and all, but this is for real.
KIKI AND SASSY ON VIDEO ON NRL.COM.
Amazing, huh?
So far we’ve met the inspiring people, players and clubs nominated for One Community awards at the awards gala in November, and been out to the NRL Players’ Charity Christmas Party at ANZ Stadium. They let us near children. Amazing! We’re more used to people pausing while they try and figure out whether it’s safe to invite us to baby showers or kid’s birthdays, or whether we’re gonna turn up with a bottle of gin and proceed to get drunk and somehow taint the child with cynicism before it’s even born.
WELL THE NRL DON’T THINK SO.
We swore in advance there would be none of this business.
Little do people know Kiki was actually a local superstar Spice Girl impersonator as a teen and beloved by children all over the Hills district. Sassy, possibly because she looks like a life-size cartoon, is kind of a hit with kids, and even has an awesome new little kid boyfriend from the Chrissie party. His name is Lewis and he’s a total dude who rocks black skinny jeans and Havaianas like a mini-hipster. They enjoy balloon fights and share a love for Ben Hornby.
Needless to say we had the Greatest Time Ever eating tiny tiny sandwiches, getting lolly bags, even playing footy games out on ANZ stadium with some awesome kids and NRL players AND ELVES.
As for the One Community awards, as if we weren’t overwhelmed enough at being on camera for the first time since we were about 12 and meeting all the incredible community workers, WE ALSO MET DELL. If you watch the video closely you can totally see us freaking out. We also met the coolest CEO in league, Michael Searle, and invited ourselves to come meet the Titans. CALL US, SEARLEY!
And of course a massive shout out to our ranga wranglers, Andy and Damien, and the gorgeous Trish and Janelle for hooking us up. Merry Christmas y’all! x
What’s that word people kept saying earlier this week? … MAROONWASH, was it?
Oh, the sweet satisfaction of Queensland being denied their fairytale. Yes, we know they won the series, but we also know that instead of prancing off into the sunset to a sunny Queensland island to relive their victories, they’re gonna be sitting at home, lights off, watching slo-mo replays of this game and wondering just how it all went wrong. Johnathan Thurston will probably cry. He does that.
But the bottom line is the same: NO TROPICAL HOLIDAY FOR YOU NOW, BITCHES.
This game was a victory for brotherhood, tenacity, pettiness, spite, and sheer stubbornness, with just a hint of FUCK ALL Y’ALL added for spice.
If you’re wondering, you eat this delicious dish with … wait for it … THE FORKS.
For those who were not blessed enough to watch the game in all its glorious suspense, drama, violence, and hilarity, the Blues won. THAT’S RIGHT. Our baby blues brought it home 28-16.
The addition of the two Old Men in Blue, Trent Barrett and Brett Kimmorley, turned out to be a stroke of brilliance. Kimmorley was all over the field like a man half his age. The addition of Michael Ennis, captain of the good ship giving-away-stupid-penalties, maybe slightly less so.
But let’s talk about what you’re actually interested in: yes, there was a KO. A real one. No (non-literal) shit. After a bit of scuffling in a tackle, Brett White leapt out of his play-the-ball and picked an old school stand-up fight with Hot Old Man Steve Price.
Tragically, this didn’t involve anyone getting shirtless to punch on, which is one of the greatest football traditions ever. What it did involve was about three air swings, then Brett White making perfect contact with Steve Price’s jaw. We swear on our most precious vintage t shirts he was unconscious before he even hit the ground.
And we’re gonna stand up and say … yes, we was kinda shocked. We had always had a vague suspicion that Brett White was more … how do you put it? More a lover, than a fighter.
Pic. Getty Images
Can’t imagine why. Turns out Brett White has a fucking mean right cross, and it’s Steve Price who isn’t much for fisticuffs. Even his Warriors coach Ivan Cleary was terrified about what might happen.
I saw Pricey look to shape up and I thought, ‘What’s he doing?’ I thought, ‘Oh no.’
With all due respect to Pricey I couldn’t imagine him going great in a fight.
Love how he says “all due respect” like it matters. Now that we know Pricey is like a kitten without claws you can say whatever you like Ivan. Go on! Let it out!
And we won’t lie, Brett White kinda won my heart when after the whole scuffle, as Justin Hodges was making snake eyes – we aren’t kidding, he really did it with his hands like Barney from How I met Your Mother - he just licked his lips, mouth all covered in blood, and laughed … it was kind of hot. OOOF. Excuse us now while we hide our faces in shame for enabling violence with our perviness.
But somehow Trent Waterhouse (not to be confused with Trent from Punchy) was the one sent off and fronting the judiciary for running in as third man and tackling the falling unconscious Pricey to try and end the fight. Our boy Trent is now first man to be sent off since Gordie in 2000, and first blues player EVER to be sent off. His mama must be so proud!
Perhaps she can have the title painted onto a plate for the mantle.
(Gordie, on the other hand, is probably at home busily hand-sewing up a storm, whipping up a Trent Waterhouse voodoo doll and sticking pins in its knees, chanting BITCH TOOK MY TITLE).
But we’re putting it out there that Trent had the best of intentions and is getting an unfair rap. Soon as we finish writing this blog and painting our nails, possibly eating a sandwich, we fully intend to start a FREE TRENT campaign.
Don’t worry Waterhouse! WE’RE ON IT!
And if it turns out we’re wrong and Waterhouse was doing something dodgy, Sassy volunteers to spank him for being a Bad Boy. Yes, she really did say that. Her wrongness knows no bounds.
Tell you who’s not getting any help from us though? Oh yes, we’re looking at you Thurston. Don’t-you-walk-away-from-me JT.
As if we weren’t unimpressed enough when Thurston said “go away, you spastic” to Kurt Gidley. Um … spastic? Really, JT? We’re hardly in the position to be holier-than-thou about offensive comments, but we will say this: is it year four now? Have you time-travelled? What a piss-weak childish insult.
But then we saw your boot making contact with Dave Williams face as he lay on the ground, and we is pissed. YOU KICKED OUR DAVE IN THE FACE!! UNACCEPTABLE!
We are thisclose to issuing a JT death fatwa, like Iran did with Salman Rushdie. Surprisingly, yes, we do know a lot of high profile Mullahs and we aren’t afraid to ask for favours.
Dunno if everyone’s aware of this, but Dave Williams (and no we won’t call him ‘Wolfman’; it’s a shit nickname and we refuse) happens to be the Patron Saint of Errol. As a sidnote, we cannonised him literally 6 months before anyone else knew his name so don’t you dare accuse us of being ‘Wolfman’ bandwagoners.
Anyway, we love Davey. Even though his defence of Greg Inglis was lacking in sections. Sassy maintains it’s because he failed to watch Wiz and Gordie on Monday Night Football presenting the new segment CONTACT CORNER. They specifically taught everyone how to defend Inglis … with role plays and everything! Seriously, if Bellamy didn’t let the boys have MNF tv privileges then he totally dropped the ball.
Anyway. Back to JT. In some ways we’re kinda like the mafia round here: we love chunky gold watches, cannoli, and fur … and we don’t take no one messin’ with our boyz.
So for convenience’s sake, we have drawn up a list of all our adored NRL babies.
So if anyone even THINKS of harming a hair on one of those boys heads, there will be hell to pay fo realz.
Let’s talk about Anthony Watmough. The man was a MACHINE! Played the whole 80 minutes and never looked like tiring. Bitch has endurance. Kinda like the way pre health kick us used to stay out dancing and drinking schooners until 6am. Yes, exactly like that. We were doing it for NSW too.
We know he gets a bit of a bad rap in the league world, but in our personal experience Watmough is a bit of a champ. And by that we mean whenever we have spoken to him he has been awesome and really encouraging of what we do. Which is enough for us to be on Team Watmough.
At this point Kiki would like to point out that this amazing form from Watmough is a direct result of her accidentally offending him at the Beaver tribute dinner last year. She somehow found herself alone with him and somewhat lost for words, and in true Kiki form she blurted out something inappropriate.
K – Hey Watmough…remember when you used to play Origin? And you were heaps good?
A - ……….yes.
K – Those were ummm…good times! *encouraging slap on the arm*
Obviously this was his ‘rock bottom’. He made a commitment to himself he would play like a man possessed and make the Origin team in 09. And he did! THANKS KIKI!
Just imagine how different things could have been if Kiki had made conversation about the weather. That is some Sliding Doors shit right there.
And Watmough teamed up with Ben Creagh to send in Benny for a try, too. ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH. And that’s on top of Creagh getting the honour of being sinbinned. Amazing. Shout out to Mama Creagh! We especially enjoy that it was for … well for avoiding getting into a fight.
(All the way with) Benny Creagh was obviously upset when Queenslanders piled into a tackle on Kurt Gidley, so he pushed Justin Hodges off, then … well then he ran away. HEART. Kiki thinks he put in the shove then suddenly had a vision of how fucking terrifying Wayne Bennett would be if he got suspended and had to backpedal like crazy. Either way Benny Creagh gets a membership card to the Steve Price Boxing Club. Look out for it in the post, Ben.
And last of all, Sassy’s dad’s favourite moment of the game: a Queenslander getting so excited at Dallas Johnson’s try that he spilled his beer. We like to think he made exactly the same face when the full-time buzzer sounded. Enjoy:
Okay. So this is probably the scariest post we’ve ever had to write. But entirely necessary.
First of all, YES WE ARE SERIOUS. STOP LAUGHING PLS. We have been thinking about doing this for aaaaages but been a) too lazy and b) too scared to get started. But now is the time.
How we put this? We are kinda, well … unhealthy. As we’re sure you’ve noticed, none of us here at Errol are exactly clean living individuals. There are two types of people out there : the ones who go jogging at 6am and the ones who stumble home at the same time clutching a kebab in hand, and shame in their hearts. It’s fairly obvious which group we fit into.
Don’t get us wrong, we aren’t complete libertines. We don’t do drugs or smoke or anything. Okay we’ll admit to the (very) odd drunken cigga, but thankfully we’ve only bought maybe 3 packets of Marlboro Lights between us in our entire lives.
But we definitely like the good things in life. Eating, drinking and lounging around. It’s all very ancient Rome at Errol HQ. Intern John John really loves his toga.
To give you a better idea what we’re dealing with, we’ll each explain ourselves:
SASSY -
My current state of gross unfitness and general … squidginess is still kinda new. I blame getting a car, too many glasses of champagne and a few office jobs. I was a sports dynamo (hard to believe, right?) as a teenager. I was all over swim training, water polo, netball, softball and aerobics. I was the year six all-school backstroke champion. I even wore lycra. Shit was intense.
Note: this is NOT the only reason I did water sports. I WAS HEALTHY. I SWEAR.
A few years ago one of my oldest friends announced that I used to have ‘the body of a fierce killer’. Now it’s more like, I dunno, the body of an occasional manslaughterer. Or maybe like, a money launderer. My idea of exercise is walking around in the park while Dolly Parton the greyhound sprints laps, and drunkenly busting moves to Britney, Whitney, J.Lo and Chisel on the dancefloor. Yeah I’m a pretty enthusiastic dancer, but that’s not really gonna cut it in the health stakes.
Hi my future ass!
So in the interests of general health, wellbeing, and being able to prance around in shorty shorts without scarring any small children down at Bondi, Kiki and I are starting Project Health. It’s not like I’ve ever had to shop at a special store or take an escalator cause I just can’t make it up the steps, but I’m definitely not fit and crazy healthy like I used to be. Plus, they keep playing that ad on television. You know the one with the guy who walks down the line towards the camera, then gradually gets old and obese without even realising? That thing puts the fear of god in me. I don’t want to be a grey-haired old man who can’t pick up his kids! HEEEELP!
So we’re trading in Italian takeaway on Super Saturday for running, pilates, and general healthytimes. We have an awesome overseas trip planned in five weeks and we wanna get a big headstart before we enter America, the land of orange cheese, giant coca colas, and Krystal burgers. That stuff is lethal for the bodyfat ratio. WISH US LUCK!
KIKI
I’m not sure if anyone would ever look at me and think YOU BIG FATTIE, but I am definitely not a picture of health. Okay so one time this boy I was with, his psycho ex was staring at us from across the pub and sent him a text message saying ‘KIKI IS FAT, WHY ARE YOU WITH HER’.
Now this is a direct violation of Girl Law because that bitch is FATTER THAN ME. Girl Law dictates you can only call someone chubby if they are bigger than you. Not only is she at least 2 sizes bigger than me, she also wears vast amounts of flammable material, including pleather. Enough said.
Errr anyway. I should basically be obese. I do NO excercise. And I don’t mean I just go for walks and do yoga … I literally do nothing. Exercise for me is walking from the lounge to the fridge. I also eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I am all about the Easy Mac and the Burger Rings and the late night Maccas runs.
Thanks to the wonder of genetics I have somehow managed to never be bigger than a size 12. It also helps that I have skinny little stick arms and legs so with some clever dressing (thanks babydoll dresses) I can fool people into thinking I’m not a walking heart attack.
However, I feel like absolute shit. I have had periods of fitness in my life but they have never lasted particularly long as I get bored easily. I used to be dancer during highschool and I have all these photos of me in leotards with skinny legs up to my chin. Sigh, those were the days. Now I look like a dancer who was kicked out of her company for having a drinking problem and binge eating disorder. It ain’t cute.
Basically I’m sick of getting puffed when I walk up the stairs. That’s okay if you’re in your 60s, but in your 20′s…not so much. I would also like to actually see my hipbones again. I miss you old friends!
So I am gonna sacrifice my indulgent lifestyle, get my shit together and become one of those annoying healthy people who points out how many calories there are in Boost smoothies. Yep yep.
So, now you’ve read both our stories you understand why we have decided to do our health campaign publicly. Neither of us are good at following through with things like this. We need to be accountable otherwise it will never happen. So you guys are gonna share this journey with us, whether you like it or not.
We will blogging a few times a week about our adventures into the world of heath and fitnesss, including photos of our attempts at cooking and the details on the ridiculousness of us trying to exercise.
If any of you want to join in with us, that would be awesome. We are super excited to post photos of our sweet sweet abs. Also, if you are hot and have abs, just post them anyway. We love fit-spiration.
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
