Since we met the blues boys yesterday, I guess it’s only “fair” and “reasonable” that we talk about the Queensland Origin team. And like most things that are fair, it will be unpleasant. Like sharing shit with your brothers and sisters, and giving people back their lost wallets and cash if you find them. Boo fairness.

Here they are in all their maroon glory:

Billy Slater

Darius Boyd

Greg Inglis

Willie Tonga

Israel Folau

Darren Lockyer (c)

Johnathan Thurston

Matthew Scott

Cameron Smith

Petero Civoniceva

Nate Myles

Sam Thaiday

Ashley Harrison

Interchange:

Cooper Cronk

David Shillington

Neville Costigan

David Taylor

DARREN LOCKYER IS CAPTAIN, IN OTHER NEWS THE SKY IS BLUE

Well of course he is. If you’ve won four series, don’t fix it, right? And the other regular things are the same too. Billy Slater’s at fullback, Peter Civoniciva now has 200 rings around his trunk but is still the starting prop, and Neville Costigan is on the bench instead of on the field. Poor Neville. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. At least it’s a step up from 18th man, no? At this rate he’ll be a starting second-rower before I die.

As for you Darius Boyd – I was starting to … tolerate you this year. Out of the Broncos maroon Boyd started to run at the line at fullback, even PASS the ball to set up tries, and I almost said nice things about him. Needless to say, the truce is off. YOU’RE GOING DOWN, BOYD. Mark my words (and Timana’s hands).

IT’S COOPER CRONK, BITCH

OH HAY! Our favourite footy field-marshal is FINALLY in the maroons team. Fuck it that he’s on the interchange bench, he’s finally there. All those minutes in 2009 spent waiting for someone to suffer a game-ending injury in training so that he could take off his 18th man rags and run on the field. Finally, the Cronk’s time has come! Much as I hate the maroons, I’m a teeny tiny bit excited that Cooper Cronk’s special brand of bossiness is gonna be on the sideline at ANZ. Mock me if you must.

MAN VS MACHINE

Of course the big question is if Cameron Smith’s elbow will heal up in time for the first Origin game. Which is actually the perfect way to find out what we’ve been wondering for so long: are the Melbourne Storm man or machine? It’s simple. If he’s ruled out and Matt Ballin steps in, he’s human and may live. If he heals up, we have definitive proof he’s a cyborg, and he needs to be reprogrammed into a benevolent baker before he conquers the world.

WHERE’S BOWRAVILLE AGAIN?

Aaaah yes. There he is. Right there in the centres, most hated of all maroons. I’m looking at you, Greg Inglis. And before anyone says anything, yes I know under the rules he can play for Queensland. And no, I will never ever get over this. You know why?

It’s not ABOUT who the rules say he can play for. This is State of Origin. The whole point is passion. The passion for where you come from, and the blind momentary passionate hate for whoever comes from somewhere else. Call it footy xenophobia. Sweet, sweet footy xenophobia. And you can’t have both.

It’s not like the touchy-feely world cup business where you can feel Australian and Fijian. Nuh-uh. You can only love one State and it’s compulsory to hate the other one.

You certainly, definitely can’t spend 16 years living in NSW until you all of a sudden play seniors and join the Maroons. TREACHERY! At least if the rest of the team yells ‘QUEENSLANDER’ like Billy Moore, I know they’re committed to their horrible, horrible team. And I feel compassion for them, because I am saintly and serene and loving like Jesus, and because they were brainwashed from birth and clearly had no choice. But no sympathy for Greg Inglis! He chose darkness and there’s no excuse for that.

So spill it – do we think Queensland can make it five in a row? We say oh hell no. These are desperate times and we believe in our blues. But either way, I’m calling Sam Thaiday as the danger man. He’s skinnier and meaner than before and he’s going to tear shit down.

Weaknesses? I don’t know how to feel about Dave Taylor. He could be a wrecking ball, but he could also be a complete an absolute menace. He’s an unknown quantity, no?

The only other good thing I can think of to say about this team is that Ben Te’o is 18th man. I just really like saying his name. Ben T’aaay’oh.

Thoughts, rants, poems of love?

Have you missed us darlings? I know, I know, it’s been a whole week and a half without any new Errol goodness in your lives.

Surprisingly, no, it’s not cause we were busy in our bunker sitting at a big judging desk, arguing, looking at photos, doing Tyra Banks impersonations, and picking the NSW Origin team. Although, Planet Eels suggested on twitter that we should be on the NSW selection panel, and to that we say YES PLEASE. CALL US ON YOUR COCONUT PHONE LAURIE DALEY, WE CAN FLY OUT IMMEDIATELY.

What we’ve actually been doing is dying slowly. The entire Errol office has come down with a hideous Ebola-like infection of death. We’ve been sleeping roughly 20 hours a day, coughing, wheezing, crying, moaning, and generally not being allowed out of our sanitary bubbles in case we infect the rest of the world. I’m actually kinda surprised no one has bled from the eyes or seen a vision of Jesus.

Needless to say, it’s kind of hard to blog when you can’t even make proper sentences. But thanks to the wonders of horse-strength antibiotics I’m vaguely upright, just in time to talk about Origin.

Come on down the boys in blue!

Kurt Gidley (capt)

Brett Morris

Matt Cooper

Timana Tahu

Jarryd Hayne

Jamie Lyon

Brett Kimmorley

Michael Weyman

Michael Ennis

Josh Perry

Trent Waterhouse

Ben Creagh

Anthony Watmough

Interchange:

Jamal Idris

Tom Learoyd-Lahrs

Luke Lewis

Brett White

… come on down so we can judge you.

FULLBACK

Ah, Gidley, we meet again. Having met Gidley, once, for about 30 seconds, I can confirm he is a human, speaks English and has two arms and two legs. Other than that, I know nothing special about him, but everyone says he is “a good bloke” (which is the greatest compliment an Australian can give) and a great captain and all-around footy-playing champ.

But he’s also Not Jarryd Hayne. Is he?

My flatmate Denee hates football, and all football-related things. They confuse and annoy her. But last night when I saw the Origin announcement and yelled “HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DALLY M WINNING FULLBACK AND NOT PLAY HIM AT FULLBACK?” even she said “… well that just makes no sense”.

MARK THIS DATE, PEOPLE. DENEE HAD HER FIRST EVER FOOTBALL OPINION.

And having watched last night’s game, apparently the writers at nrl.com would agree with her. Can’t say anymore than that.

OUTSIDE BACKS

We’re gonna say it, you knew we would. B.MOZZZZZZZ! MOZZIE MOZZIE MOZZIE! Without doubt the best winger right now based on form. Not to mention polite and lovely and all things sunshiney in this world. When B.Moz scores a try, angels lose their necks and get their wings.

And when B.Moz plays outside Hot Bitch Cooper … you can guess that bit. We’re defending this choice all the way, kids. Remember Hot Bitch’s tries at ANZ in 2008? We do. Our pants do too. When he’s in form he’s a menacing defender and massively strong and seeing him in form, in sky blue, restores our faith in the world.

Timana Tahu, on the other hand, makes us feel kinda nervous. As the ever-eloquent Daniel Anderson put it, at the beginning of the season he was “rubbish”. Fair call, coach. He’s an experienced player though, and he’s improved, and God knows he’s stacked like a block of flats. If he lifts to rep level then maybe – just maybe – NSW’s backline has a chance of stopping the rampaging wildebeest Greg Inglis. Maybe.

(We’re already doing our part and sticking pointy little Errol pins into our GI voodoo doll. We made it out of light grey felt. It’s surprisingly life-like).

Which brings us to our Dally M winning fullback. On the wing. He’s a bit unpredictable in the regular season, and lots of people hate him. So he’s kind of  … the Anthony Watmough of outside backs. But he also totally lifts for Origin – like Watmough – and we approve of this.

We can’t say anything else about him except DAMMIT YOU WERE ROBBED FOR THAT TRY LAST YEAR JARRYD-WITH-A-Y. ps our friend Kate thinks you look like Rihanna. She’s right.

What up Jarryd? I like yo bob.

HALVES

Well, well, what up Jamie Lyon! So your torture at the hands of the blues selectors continues.

Remember when you said you didn’t want to play Origin last year, and they made you play?

And remember when you said you wanted to play in the centres this year, and they put you in the halves?

Every time I say ‘centres’ I think of chocolate. Then I remember I can’t taste anything. MOTHERFUCKER.

Oh, how they must have laughed!

Jamie probably does deserve to be in the team – remember his defence last year? – plus he can kick those pesky goals. We’d rather him in the centres but then … who plays five-eighth? Our beloved Terry Campese isn’t exactly in form (sorry T.Camps!). Maybe Trent Barrett? Brett Finch is Origin kryptonite. And John Sutton … plays for the Rabbitohs. Ugh. If we were in charge we would totally put Barrett in the team just because there’s a chance that he might hit Greg Inglis in the face again.

If anyone wants to run for NSW Parliament on that platform, by the way, I’d totally vote for you.

Meanwhile, when Queensland sit down to pick their halfback, they’re choosing between Johnathan Thurston, Scott Prince and Cooper Cronk. In NSW we choose between Kimmorley (this isn’t meant to be offensive Noddy), crippled Mitchell Pearce, and recently returned from crippledom Jarrod Mullen and Peter Wallace. I won’t even include Todd Carney in contention for any position because I’m too worried about him stressing out and hitting the booze again, and Trent Hodkinson is, like, 12 years old. DAMN that shit is depressing.  Should we put in another centre? Josh Morris, you busy?

While you’re deciding, feel free to sign my petition to bring back Joey Johns. He looks totally match fit!  It’ll totally work!

SECOND ROW

Where God injures a halfback or three, he replaces them with 85 awesome back rowers. Between Watmough, Waterhouse, Creagh, O’Donnell, Gallen (ew, Sharks),  Hindmarsh, Laffranchi, Lewis, Learoyd-Lahrs, hell even Greg Bird, NSW literally has enough second rowers for three Origin teams.

We woulda put Lewis in the starting side, (and O’Donnell if he was fit cause damn that boy loves to fight) but we are happy x 1000 to see Watmough and Creagh in there. Watmough is MADE for Origin. He’s a sky blue dynamo. And when Ben Creagh runs the ball we deadset get occasional flashbacks of the Beav. Future Origin Hero. Trust.

FRONT ROW

First of all – WEYMAN! Has there ever been a more deserved first Origin call-up? Weyman’s gone from playing like 30 minutes max to being a blues frontrunner. And we feel weirdly … proud. Proud because we love a big fat footy dynamo, and weird in that the first ever thing he said to us was “I fucking hate journalists”. It was a joke, but still it’s lucky we’re:

a) not actually journalists

b) not easily offended.

Prove us right, Michael. Prove. Us. Right.

And secondly … good God, Josh Perry? Is this what we’ve come to? Where the hell are the NSW front rowers? Can someone not hurry up and clone an invincible George Rose so we can play him as a starting prop and on the bench? To quote our mate Greg, “Perry’s a pillow. A marshmallow. And not even a good Pascall one either”.

From now on, he shall be known as Home Brand Perry.

INTERCHANGE

One word. Jamal. Forget where they’re gonna play him, we are currently taking bets on what super-amazing Origin hairstyle he’s gonna rock. I feel like the next progression from his tight pigtails at Country Origin is the full bun:

So what do we think overall? We live in hope. LET’S GO BLUES!

What about you kittens?

Let’s talk Israel. The Mormon kind, not the Jewish kind.

Israel’s interests include Queensland, Mormonism, and driving shirtless.
Pic. Paul Harris

Apparently Israel loves his family, but he also loves rolling around in money cackling manically like Steve Rubell or Mr. Burns, because the talk is he’ll leave the Broncos and jump ship to either the Melbourne Rebels or AFL for a better offer.

Darren Lockyer thinks this shows “his head’s in a bad place“. By which I assume he means Queensland. BOOM TISH.

And I think … AFL? Really? Way to be derivative, man. K.Hunt did that at least six months ago. Also, K.Hunt is a really hilarious name to make puns about and Israel is … well it’s the name of an artificially-created nation state. NATION STATES AREN’T FUNNY. So what are we meant to put on our mocking banners at his last Broncos games, huh? Way to make our jobs difficult, Izzy.

See? The diagram doesn’t lie.

And yes, I am gonna be a bitch and point out that about twelve months ago, Izzy was so desperately homesick that he wanted to leave Melbourne and head home to Queensland to spend time with the fam. But all of a sudden now that the papers are talking about the Rebels offering him six hundred grand a year, they’re starting to seem a lot less charming. Who needs mum’s taro when you’ve got six hundred thousand bucks?

(I’d dump my annoying fam for ten bucks and a bottle of champas, if anyone’s offering.)

The way I see it, Izzy leaving for the Rebels is a blessing. I do feel a tiny bit sorry for the Broncos, because with the number of injuries they’ve had this year he’s pretty much their senior player right now. But more importantly it’d be one less Queenslander in the league, and one less reason for me to get annoyed every week.

Every week I hear someone wax lyrical about Folau’s genius on the wing and in the centres, and how he’s the great Mormon hope of rugby league and every time I start ranting at the radio/paper/television about how wrong they are. Israel is good. He’s very good. He’s great playing outside a great centre, he looked brilliant playing outside a brilliant team of lies at the Storm, he’s great in Origin, but at the Broncos, he’s …. good. Am I missing something?

As dirty Queensland 3/4s go he’s no Inglis or Hodges, is he? Not least because he’s vaguely likeable.

Which reminds me, talk is that if Izzy leaves, Inglis might head to the Broncos. To that I say AWESOME. IT’S WHAT YOU WANTED, ISN’T IT GREGORY? ps BOWRAVILLE IS IN NSW YOU CHEAT.

Thanks again to the absolute champion who brought that sign into our lives. It was one of my all-time Top Ten Origin Highlights.

In other Sea Eagle-related news, the Tele tells us Glen Stewart ran into Steve Matai’s sore shoulder at training and ole cornrows took offence.

Matai looked angry when he rose to his feet and appeared to slap Stewart. He walked straight off the training field.

Sea Eagles coach Des Hasler looked stressed as he watched the entire scene yesterday.

Dammit! I can’t believe there’s no video of this. League-slaps are one of our top ten favourite things. Remember when Daine Laurie slapped Corey Parker? Good times.

But in Glen’s defence Matai’s shoulder is ALWAYS sore. His shoulders are made of the same delicate delicate glass as Minichiello’s spine. True Story.

And in Glen’s defence … Des Hasler looking stressed is as groundbreaking as the sky being blue.

We’re more worried about the whereabouts of Ben Farrar after his mistake-fest on Monday night against the Titans. We’ve all seen what Des can do to a door – CLICKY CLICKY if you don’t remember – and Ben Farrar’s not even made of wood. He’s just made of squishy, squishy human.

Here’s hoping Intern John John’s right and Ben’s just having some time off at a farm, running about the paddocks and enjoying himself with all the other great Manly players of the past.

If not … RIP Ben Farrar. We hardly knew ye.

Kittens, I am officially losing all sense of perspective. Sure I was kind of a bitch before, but apparently I have now become so obsessed with our fantasy league experiment that I have lost all concern for right and wrong.

Every time I hear the word “scandal” and “league star”, my heart leaps and I just start really really praying that some awesome player has been caught in a compromising (but not deregistration-worthy) position with his pants off in a public street, possibly involving some kind of escort or domestic beast, just so I can draft him into the Second Chances. I care not for their reputation or family life, I just wanna win.

So you can imagine how happy I was when I heard “LEAGUE STAR CAUGHT DRINK DRIVING” on my radio this week.

(Happy as a pig in shit, for those who aren’t good at imagining stuff).

Disclaimer: may not be the actual Tony Williams

Then I heard the rest of the story and realised it was Tony Williams from the Sea Eagles. Thanks for nothin, universe.

So here’s how it went down in round five:

The lil Angels had their ups and their downs. Adorable Timmy Moltzen racked up 1 point before he injured his ACL and had to be helped from the field up at Dairy Farmer’s stadium. ONE POINT! ACL! GAME OF DEATH!

It’s always sad when awful things happen to people that cute. I mean, a halfback settling into his position with untapped and potentially massive potential. If Tim’s reading (and who are we kidding, he totally is), we think he should come by for milkshakes and movies at Errol HQ.

And brand new hooker and captain Issac Luke: 96 points. 96. points. I am starting to hate him already.

Total: 519 points.

And finally, finally, over in camp Second Chances, my faith in our favourite chicken nugget Greg Bird was repaid. After some dismal 16 point performances, he locked in 60 this week. Hurrah Greg Bird!

Disclaimer: may not be actual Greg Bird

This is the kind of redemption and success that the Second Chances stand for. Makes me wanna start some kind of giant group hug.

Sadly, the feathered one was the stand out, and my little troublemakers lost to Kiki by just 20 points.

Total: 499 points.

That leaves the Angels at 12th and the Second chances at 13th on the Oh Errol league table. It’s so close you could throw a snuggie over those bitches. Please don’t though, because Snuggies are an abomination against God.

Till next week! GO THE SECOND CHANCES.

UPDATE: I have renovated the Second chances for round six! Please welcome Lote and Laffranchi, and the returning Pom.

I AM SO ANNOYED. I knew it was coming, but round five was the week I scored only four correct tips out of eight and fell off the top of the Errol Tips leader board. On the bright side, at least the new leader is a fellow Errol girl.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Storm, the Cowboys, my poor sad Roosters and the fat slow bloated Eels for losing and ruining my complete and utter domination of the Errol Tips competition. Cause I was really really enjoying being the queen of tips, dark and BEAUTIFUL!

Everyone loves a Lord of the Rings reference

Needless to say you are currently all sitting on my Tipping shitlist, alongside the Sharks. And yes, I do think they will read that and be upset. You know it’s true.

Excitingly, we also have a new trend in the top five, and that trend is DUDES. Here’s how the leaderboard looks this week:

1. Lozzy – 30 points

2. Sassy – 30 points

3. Peteyrulz – 27

4. Lynx – 27

5. BecDon – 27

At Errol HQ, we never like to do things straight away if we can let Future Us look after it instead. So how about a really late recap of the Dragons vs Bulldogs from the weekend? Awesome.

I’m watching this game form the couch. Sure I’d rather be hanging in the gong at WIN Stadium looking at the water views (they really are lovely) and basking in the kind of satisfaction that only comes from being within stalking distance of both Hot Bitch Cooper AND Wendell Sailor, but a girls gotta take what she can get. And what I got … is lazy.

The Bulldogs fans have a sign that says ‘STAGGERING’. Really, guys? Of all the options, you went with a tribute to David Stagg? No offence to Dave, but he’s not really a marquee player, is he? For the mums and gays reading, if you cast him in Beaches, he’d be Barbara Hershey, not Bette Midler, right?

The Dragons play a great first set with a brilliant kick from Tiny Dancer but I’m too busy being shocked that Hornbag has new spanx on. Thery’re all … white! And shiny! I thought Hornbag was gonna hold onto those old manky faded blue-grey spanx until the end of eternity. I always figured when nuclear armageddon came, all that would survive would be cockroaches, and Hornbag’s blue bike pants. Pretty sure Hornbag would love me comparing his crotchal region to insects, just quietly.

Pic. Getty Images

After about ten seconds Darius Boyd throws a great pass right to B.Moz to dive in like superman for a try. Kiki sends me text messages that just say ‘B.MOZZZZZz‘ and ‘FANTASY LEAGUE SUCK IT‘.

I send one back that says ‘F*CK ME THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I’VE EVER SEEN BALL-HOG PASS A FOOTY.’ Dah-rius, honey, if you can pass like that, how come you’ve never done it before, hmmmm?

Brad Fittler gives me updates from the sidelines and I feel like- much as I love Freddy -- of all the post-footy jobs you could possibly give him, why would you pick one where you can only hear his voice?

He has a lovable face, relevant things to say, footy cred like woah, and … a voice like a punch-drunk boxer. It’s like listening to Milo Kerrigan tell me about the Dragons.

I swear to god he actually says “I can pretty much guarantee that they’ll end up the other end the bulldogs in not too long time”. I think he’s nervous. DON’T BE NERVOUS FREDDY DARLIN.

There’s some crazy sea mist action on the field and newly-recognised hot bitch Jeremy Smith’s new curly hair is all windswept and drenched, swoon. It makes me sad that he hid his hot under a Storm jersey for so long.

Weyman goes in for a tackle and Rabs cackles “talk about some prime beef coming together there! Hickey into Michael Weyman!” I know when I think of Jarrad Hickey the first thing I think of is beef. Mmmm wagyu.

Dean Young scores, but Sowie can’t convert. I think he got the prance wrong and it put him off.

They have to send in an interchange player for Jarrad Hickey cause Wagyu Jarrad is deadset EXHAUSTED. He’s the dampest, sweatiest man I’ve ever seen and I’m scared he might have a stroke.

Brad ‘Milo Kerrigan’ Fittler gives us a weather report: “there’s a bit of breeze, it’s not too hot. You just get a bit of a lather up.”

Sassy can’t wait till Freddy’s known as the Most Trusted Name in Weather.
Is the weather getting messy? Aaa-aaaaaask Freddy!

Benny Creagh puts a hit on David Stagg that is completely massive and Dave takes a quick ride on the Teacups that makes the ‘STAGGERING’ sign in the crowd seem really cruel and ironic.

At this point I really need to pee but apparently I would rather risk internal complications and hold it in than stop watching the footy. Also, is it just me or is Luke Priddis kind of a bizarro Trent Barrett?

The doggies have a chance at a try on the left hand side, but Dah-rius takes Bryson Goodwin over the sideline to stop it, then patronisingly pats him on the head. And when Bryson gets his bitch on and wants to start a fight, Dah-rius runs away. He fights like me!

Beau Scott takes his place, because dammit if Beau isn’t the angriest bitch ever as soon as he steps onto a football field. All of a sudden Hornbag, Ben Hannant, and Flossy nightingale are in the middle of an actual fight and I feel like there is no one in the world less suited to be involved in punchy punchy times. If the camera could show what was actually happening in there Ben Hannant and Flossy would just be nuzzling each other’s necks like giant puppies. J.Moz and B.Moz run away to fake fight each other on the other side of the field, also known as “entertaining the crowd with a show of brotherly love” according to Rabs.

… hasn’t he seen Philadelphia?
Pic. capped by Cronkstaaaah

Rabs, this prase “brotherly love”, it means something that you don’t think it means. Trust me.

Other things Rabs has told us tonight include that Jamal Idris used to do Discus, and that Sterlo is a “whippersnapper”. These things may or may not be true.

At half time Kiki rings me to discuss the fight and to tell me she has run out of clean undies and is freeballing. We are officially way too close.

The boys finish their oranges and the second half starts. This is also known as ‘Rabs being even more fucking hilarious/senile than usual”.

There’s a fiesta of Warriors-esque passes and, on the sideline, Milo Kerrigan the weatherman interviews Michael Ennis. Rabs thinks “the players are really improving … what about Sam Thaiday’s oratory skills!”

The game loses momentum, until Beau Scott brings down a bulldog and Rabs calls him “a bounty hunter! They don’t get away from him!”

I hear his new movie is really shit, though.

The doggies finally get a try in; Gary Warburton is penalised for a high tackle because I think we all know that good things don’t happen to men called Gary Warburton.

No, Gary, NO!

The dragons charge into Green and Hickey in defence. I’m impressed. I’d be too scared they’d eat me. Emmett scores, Kimmorley is enraged, and I am completely confused by whatever is going on with the reffing. For the record, I’m not even drunk.

Also, yes that was very good Nick Emmett but please don’t wink at me through the tv again. It’s unnerving. We hardly know each other.

Meanwhile Kimmorley is still angry and frantically miming obstruction at the ref like a netball umpire in slo-mo.

Kiki phones me again and we declare Hornbag as the Errol man of the match.

Ben Creagh slams Kimmorley and mini-Hoppo takes a looong ride on Space Mountain. I yell out “thanks for comin’ Kimmorley!” like a dirty bogan.

B. Moz runs in for his third try of the noght and I seriously cannot even process how unfair this is. Remember our fantasy experiment? I really REALLY need this kind of talent in my team, but B.Moz refuses to give in and just steal a car or something. He’s so fucking selfish. My fantasy team is so gonna lose this week.

With that the ref blows the whistle, 26-6. I cry a little for my poor unfortunate fantasy team … and did I mention I need to pee again?

What’s one of Errol’s favourite topics? No, aside from shirtless men and fatletes. Yes, it’s Des Hasler’s anger.

We wish there was a tiny Des-Cam in the corner of the screen every time Manly played, so we wouldn’t have to miss a moment of Dessie yelling ‘MOTHERF*CKER’, tossing his mane of hair, whipping off his headset in disgust and hurling it to the ground.

Sadly, Channel 9 and Foxtel keep ignoring Sassy’s petitions. Sadtimes.

Instead we have the answer to the Great Mystery of Who Broke the Parramatta Door right off its hinges … it was Des Hasler’s Rage. And it’s the best league-related YouTube video we’ve seen since someone uploaded Dell disco shimmying past Jamie Soward in the Dragons changeroom.

As you know Kiki and I love spending our weekends roaming about at NSW Cup matches, soaking up the atmosphere, sharing a beer (just the one, cause we’re professional), and interviewing the crowd and the players. This weekend we hit up Leichhardt Oval to watch the Balmain Ryde Eastwood Tigers take on Wests. Why Leichhardt? Well obviously we like any opportunity for a Tim Sheens sighting. But more importantly:

a) it’s beautiful and we think the hill with all the trees on it looks like something out of Rivendell in Lord of the Rings;

and

b) We wanted to appease all the ladies who wrote in to say LEE BENNETT FROM THE TIGERS IS SOOOO HANDSOME. We like to give you what you want. We’re considerate like that.

So here’s the latest video direct from the NSWRL youtube channel, featuring Lee, Paul Sironen, some enthusiastic singing, and A Really Awesome Bride and Groom:

Leave a comment why don’t ya?

Oh my sweet baby Morris-twin Jesus, it’s a FOOTY MIRACLE.

mmmmmm miracle.

Somehow – I have absolutely no idea how – I have fluked myself to my first perfect round of tipping …. ever. Eight out of eight, bitches! This means, of course, that footytips is giving me a free Whopper. Which I totally plan to collect, even though:

a) there are no Hungry Jacks near me except the one I go to when I’m drunk on Oxford Street opposite the Oxford Art Factory

b) I don’t like Whoppers.

It’s the principle of the thing, you know?

Also if you break it down by calories, it’s pretty much like footytips are giving me a whole day’s worth of free food, which for a blogger is the greatest gift a footy tipping website can give. So yes, I am going to that Hungry Jacks, and yes, friends, I am going to EAT. THAT. WHOPPER. I am also going to enjoy it … because it tastes like VICTORY.

In other news, Errol tippers are apparently all brilliant, because:

Paull Young

Paul Taylor

ohmyloz

and Amy

all also got 8 tips from 8. Some might say that’s because it was an easy round. I say it’s because we all have the brains of rocket scientists. If you’re wondering why Kiki didn’t manage to tip a perfect eight, it’s because she tipped against my Roosters. Just sayin. Which brings us to the leaderboard after round two:

Finally, one of the boys has made it into the top five! Good work Youngie!

This will probably be the first and last time I am ever first in tipping, so let’s all take a moment of silence for the peak of my tipping career. It’s gonna be all downhill for me after this. Like Kate Hudson after Almost Famous and Katherine Heigl after Knocked Up.

And now I’m gonna leave you with the NRL Ladder:

I was planning to draw a big red white and blue arrow to the Roosters at the top of it, but then I realised it’s round two and I don’t want to jinx the poor bitches, so … that’s all.

We’re doing something a little different this week. Instead of shirtless men for your Monday Funday, let’s talk about the pink-shirted men: the refs and the touchies. You know, the ones that you always unwillingly clap before the Grand Final each year. From the perma-bronzed Solarium king Shane Hayne to everyone’s favourite ranga ref, Brett Suttor.

Yelling abuse at referees and touch-judges is a time-honoured rugby league tradition. At Parramatta, it involves small children yelling out ‘I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, TOUCHIE!’. At Kogarah, I’ve heard “oh good work … ya hemorrhoid!” which has to be one of my favourite moments in life. Ever.

And when the game’s over, you head to the leagues club and discuss in depth all the ways that the refs cost your team the game, right? Well let’s do it online.

Sunday’s games were a festival of tries from forward passes – like Benji Marshall to Jason Schirnack for a try against the Roosters at the SFS. Plus over in Parramatta everyone’s favourite head of hair Dessie Hasler CRACKED IT after Manly lost to the Eels and the refs awarded a try to Joel Reddy from a blatant forward pass. EVEN I COULD SEE THAT, REF! (And as we all know I need nerd spectacles).

Exhibit A – nerd

Dessie kindly offered – cough – this:

“I’ll personally pay for those two touchies to visit OPSM and get a check-up because I didn’t know we’d reverted to gridiron – not once, but twice – at a pretty critical part of the game.”

So get in and comment, kids. Worst refs call of the year so far? Worst of 2009? Get into the comments section and unleash your anger. You can even have a rant about Monday/your work/the fact that we never ever blog about your team. A little venting heals the soul.

And if getting your bitch on isn’t your style … here are some cats that look like Hitler.

Enjoy x