the deathstar recap: rabbitohs vs storm

I know, I know, this is a bit unexpected. Usually I never write about the Storm or the Rabbitohs very often. 

This is because as an avowed Roosters fan, the Rooster Code tells me I should mock and ignore Souths as often as possible.  And as a New South Welshlady and, you know, someone with a soul, the universe tells me to hate the Storm.

But since I am a massive trashbag and slept through almost every other game this weekend, this is what you get bitches.

We open with Andy Raymond doing his usual wander-round-the-field talking to camera schtick.  I seriously can’t believe he still does it, actually.  Especially since the last time I saw him do it he was coming down the tunnel at Brookvale Oval and accidentally walked face-first into the back of a giant piece of bunting.  JUST STAND STILL ANDY. 

The Bunnies run on and are still wearing black shorts.  The gays will not be pleased.  Melbourne are running onto the field tonight through a huge purple FAREWELL BOOFA sign.  Fireworks explode everywhere, Geyer kinda headbutts his way through the crepe paper and we’re in business.

If you’re wondering, I am firmly Team Russell Crowe today. 

After we gave our tips on Nova on Friday arvo I was devastated to see that my prediction of a miracle win for Parramatta didn’t come true.  I Really Hate Being Wrong.  But tonight I would be more than happy if you little Bunnies could pull off a win and prove me wrong.  GO TEAM RUSTY!

And for all the Storm fans who read this and get upset when I say disapproving things or make fun of neckless Billy Slater and Mick Crocker’s hair, I will try and explain. 

Every team in the NRL has a soul, you know?  A group mojo.  A general team vibe.   Well, every team except Melbourne, that is.  They give me no vibes at all. They are just so … functional.  Everything they do just Works.  It’s like they are an unstoppable all-powerful heartless fighting force.  Every time someone refers to their home ground as ‘the graveyard’, I hear ‘THE DEATH STAR’.

It’s all too slick and reliable.  Like a perfectly-trained dog. 

Even tonight when they ran on field, their fireworks exploded at the perfect time in perfect unison. 

(As opposed to on Friday night when I watched my Roosters at the SFS.  Our fireworks exploded in perfect unsion … as the DRAGONS ran on-field, leaving the Chooks to blindly grope their way on field through an all-encompassing fog.  GOOD WORK GUYS.)

Look, I just kinda hate them, ok?   I even hate how their stupid name is a singular noun instead of a plural.  How can a group of men equate to ONE STORM?  HMMMM? 

Anyway. From now on I shall just refer to them as the Globo Gym dodgeball team and Craig Bellamy as White Goodman.  I know I already mentioned the Death Star, but I enjoy mixing metaphors, so SHOOSH.  THEY ARE GLOBO GYM DODGEBALLERS AND STORMTROOPERS.  ALL AT ONCE, K?

That’s totally what Bellamy’s office looks like, isn’t it?  I thought so.

In a clash of soap opera names, Beau Champion and Dallas Johnson hit up in a tackle and Champion hits the turf.  You may have won this round, Dallas, but you haven’t won the war!  I will still get my hands on Denver-Carrington Oil, you rogue, just you wait.

In other news, Dallas Johnson appears to have lost his razor and is looking very Gary-from-team-America.  I think bearded isn’t really a good look for you, honey.  Stick to the Dynasty clean-shave.

Unstoppable Israel Folau fends off two Bunnies with an amazing break and whips up a Melbourne penalty.  Greg Inglis manages a freakish Inglis offload while being tackled and sends Geyer in for a try on the left hand side.  Ooh, this will not be pretty.  The Average Joes are in for a beating.

I gasp when Billy Slater is sent off for a professional foul by slowing down the play the ball near the try line.  Amazing!  Billy Slater in the sin bin!  All of a sudden I like this game a lot more.  Bring down the Death Star, boys!  You can do it! 

The referees call a kick hitting Chris Sandow ‘playing at the ball’ and give Melbourne another set of tackles.  I am OUTRAGED.  The commentary team and I are OUTRAGED.  It turns into a Melbourne try via Anthony Quinn and I am so outraged I open a beer. 10 points to nil and thanks for ruining my low-carb diet Quinny.  GOD.

pic: Getty Images

Billy Slater comes back from the clear plastic sin bin tube and someone calls Chris Sandow a terrier as he makes a tackle. I feel he looks more like Sonic the Hedgehog.

Cameron Smith slides through for an easy try and this is what troubles me about you Cam. According to www.leaguehq.com this is “celebrating”:

pic: Penny Stephens

DON’T LOOK SO HAPPY CAMERON. IT’S TACKY.

Matthew Perry Jason Taylor looks about as joyful as Cam Smith right now.

The referee makes a ridiculous call about Cooper Cronk not playing at the ball when it looked identical to Sandow’s penalty. Apparently life just isn’t fair on the Death Star. But a glimpse of Average Joe salvation comes over the horizon when fiesty little Sandow and his Bee Boots kicks along the left side. It bounces as if pre-ordained to mini-hot bitch Luke Capewell, who sends the ball from the side of his boot in-field for Merritt to ground.

Capewell, you adorable cheeky bastard! Bitch is multi-talented and he has dimples. Swoon!

One more Globo Gym try sends us into halftime at 20-4.

Billy Slater opens the second half score with a 100m try and … hey don’t the Rabbitohs love a yellow shoe?  These Melbourne tries are getting so common it’s like I don’t even notice anymore.  (No, Billy doesn’t smile, if you’re wondering).

Another try to Slater thanks to prodigy Folau, and one to Brett Anderson who, despite scoring an awesome try, kinda looks like he’s crying.  I am seriously worried about these boys and their emotional health.  Another to Jeremy Smith and we’re at 42-4.  Game over, babies.

The Melbourne Storm look … well I suppose they look relatively happy.  They’re not really smiling but they never smile.  Do they?  I guess they are hugging and whatnot.  Mick Crocker is asked about Craig Bellamy and says “it’s just nice to see him … not cranky”. 

Oh my god those poor kittens. Is that why you’re so efficient and restrained boys?  Does mean daddy Craig not care for happiness? HAS WHITE GOODMAN OUTLAWED SMILING?  That bastard!

I sort of just want to give them all a hug right now.  Except maybe Anthony Quinn.  He’s in the book of feuds for damaging Errol Patron Saint Dave Williams last time Melbourne played Manly.  DON’T MESS WITH ERROL, BITCHES.

And, as predicted, this means Globo Gym have also won the minor premiership.  Let that be a lesson to us all: you don’t mess with the Death Star.

 

[Feel free to leave all your praise for Kiki's AMAZING photoshop of Bellamy as White Goodman in the comments.  AMAZING.]

And look out for a Roosters vs Dragons recap this week too.