the great oh errol experiment

We have realised recently that there was something missing from our 2008 league experience.  Something … nerdy.  That something, my friends, was fantasy rugby league.

You know, fantasy league!  Like Paul Rudd sneaks off in the dead of night to play in Knocked Up (and plays in real life). I’m surprised we didn’t get onto it earlier, because if Paul Rudd has anything to do with it, it has to be good.

But somehow the idea of just trading players like cattle and putting together our imaginary squad wasn’t quite enough, you know? Although I did really enjoy announcing things like ‘did I tell you I own Craig Fitzgibbon now? BECAUSE I DO.’  We wanted more. So we rocked on over and joined the Daily Telegraph fantasy league, and set up possibly the greatest experiment in the history of e-Rugby League.

We could just pick players based on how good they are, but if you follow that kinda logic we could also just go out “for a few hours” and come home at midnight. Pffft, we’re no slackers. Instead we’re going to use the joy of the internet to discern how success relates to two Important Factors: likeability, and attractiveness.

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT:

We decided to create two amazing-partytimes Fantasy League teams. One chosen based solely on looks, and one based purely on who we think is awesomest in the NRL, would most like to hang out by the barbie and/or watch cricket with, or are just fond of for reasons we can’t really explain.

We spent an entire afternoon fussing over our two fantasy teams – trading them about, picking their jersey colours (white shorts for when it rains, obvs), and listening to Lozzy pushing for Tez Campese’s inclusion in the attractive team. HE IS HANDSOME. GOD.

It was the best time we’ve had in a while. And as you know, we get out quite a bit. Fantasy League is just really, really fun. Thanks, Paul Rudd!

THIS IS WHAT WE ENDED UP WITH:

The Oh Errol Wildcats are the cream of our Rugby League imaginary BFFs. This weekend we sent out the following squad of 25 fuck-off awesome boys to do battle on the field:

Jason Nightingale Michael Robertson Josh Morris Matt Cooper Wendell Sailor Terry Campese Scott Prince Joe Picker Ben Creagh Craig Fitzgibbon (c) Masada Iosefa Robbie Farah Justin Poore

Daine Laurie Terence Seu Seu Beau Falloon Dean Young Mitch Aubusson Blake Ayshford Ben Hornby Josh Lewis Manu Vatuvei Kevin Gordon Brett Morris Preston Campbell

The Hottie McHothots are … well if you don’t get that then you’re not even gonna find this funny. Maybe go have a quick shandy and meet me back here in five.

Picking this team for the weekend took our blood, sweat and tears. For reals. Being a supercoach is tough, bitches. I dunno how Des Hasler does it. Eventually we got to the point where I screamed at Lozzy:

IT’S SO HARD FITTING ALL THE HOT IN AND STAYING UNDER THE SALARY CAP.

Between that and the infuriated emergency telegram-style email I sent to the online support staff about the Wildcats, I was one martini away from being Shirley MacLaine and/or Meryl Streep in Postcards from the Edge.

It went something like this:

There is no Ben Hornby in the players list for fantasy NRL! It’s a travesty! Pls reply soonest with Ben Hornby information. Kind regards.

In the words of Kiki, WHY IS HORNBAG ALWAYS FORGOTTEN? However, the reply went something like:

Thank you for your email.

That player is definitely available for selection in both the Halfback and Fullback positions.

Kind Regards,

SO HE WAS RIGHT THERE THE WHOLE TIME?  THEN WHY COULDN’T I FIND HIM? I had to have a xanax before I even tried again.

In the end we fielded a full squad of hot bitch:

Will Zillman Joel Moon Matt Cooper (c) Michael Robertson John Williams Kayne Lawton Scott Prince Matt Bell Joe Picker Luke O’Donnell Josh Cordoba Matt Ballin Michael Witt

Matt Bowen Will Chambers Blake Ayshford Ashley Graham Terry Campese Luke Capewell Steve Price Justin Poore Ashton Sims Jarrod Saffy Hep Cahill Lucas Miller

As you may have noticed, we are idiots and forgot to log back in and remove Michael Witt. WE JUST GOT OVERWHELMED, ok?

[And it tells us that 8 of our players got no points at all. EIGHT OF THEM. - Kizzy]

Shhh Kizzy this is a carefully constructed team.  We are investing in players on their way to the top. We just have to believe.  As in: I believe the chiiildren are our future. Alternatively, maybe we have no idea what we’re doing.

We did also have our Patron Saint Dave Williams in the squad, but injury meant he couldn’t play this week. We’re super-grateful to Robbo for stepping in and taking over his position on the wing. Nonetheless, here’s an artist’s impression to help you imagine what might have beeeen:

[I spent a Friday evening at home trying to photoshop the boys' heads on top of our fantasy jerseys. It ... didn't work that well, so I had to settle for just Dave cause there was a pic of his head in the right position. Photoshopping fantasy rugby league jerseys ... I am so cool. - lozzy]

You may also enjoy that you have to enter a Coach Name for your team, and the Hotties are coached by Our Pants. WHICH IS TRUE. Seeing ‘Welcome, Our Pants’ whenever we log in never gets old.

THIS IS HOW THE FIRST ROUND WENT:

Well. If the Round 1 results are anything to go by, a sexy team is also a kind of shit team.

The Hottie McHotHots Round 1 Score – 576. Position on ladder – 13

The Oh Errol Wildcats Round 1 Score – 815. Position on ladder – 5

As you can see, Likability is clearly kicking Attractiveness’ ass. IT’S SO HARD BEING PRETTY. Maybe we should rethink the Hotties training style? It looks like the naked stretching we’ve been putting them through isn’t doing any favours.

Next Monday we’ll update you on how the boys are going and where they are on the league’s ladder. We’ll also update you on how the new and exciting rookies (read: really cheap buys) in our squads are shaping up.

Meanwhile the actual scoring rules are kind of complicated and we can’t be bothered explaining, but you can read all the rules/email them about ben hornby/ask about what algorithms they are using over at the tele website if you are so inclined.  VIVA WILDCATS!