The Weekly Recap – Dragons vs Broncos

Seems I watched the wrong game last night. Everyones been yammering on about the Warriors vs Bunnies and how it was Amazing Football, somehow involved a cancer survivor and was generally exhilirating and special. Well sorry people, but I was watching Law and Order. So this is the recap you get.

I love WIN Stadium. It has water views and people from the Gong tend to get quite hammered and make a shitload of noise. Instant atmosphere. Also unlike the Cavernous Shithole (aka ANZ Stadium) the turf is gloriously pristine. So green, so even. It looks like a billiard table! Nothing I enjoy more than some good grounds keeping.

The game marks the return of Wendell Sailor to rugby league after a seven year absence. Five years were spent playing the devils game (TRAITOR!!), the other two being punished for being a nose candy bandit. It seems the whole world has gone Big Dell crazy. I for one am confused as to why he went his whole career being known as Wendell Sailor and now all of a sudden he is BIIIIG DEEELLLLLL. Who started this phenomenon? Was it him? I like to think so. I do however enjoy an obvious nickname. In fact from now on I will only answer to Drunk Kiki.

First of all, what is going on with the Dragons jerseys?? The sleeves look longer. Why must we further cover up the artfully sculpted guns of our players?? Those AFL fairies already own us in the bicep flashing department, we should be making our jerseys skimpier not more modest. Poor form Dragons management!

Due to Orgin commitments the Broncos line up looks much like an under 20s game but I am okay with that as it may give my boys a fighting chance. About 4 minutes in and ex Dragon Ashton Sims zeros in on Big Dell in attempt to show him whose boss. Unfortunately for Ashton his noggin collides with Dells’s jaw of granite and he drifts off to Disneyland for a few minutes. In a decidedly inappropriate response, I laugh uproariously. Ashton skips about with Mickey Mouse and the game carries on around him.

8 minutes and Soward aims a kick at the goalpost, it rebounds and Hornbag scoops it up to score a try. Magic! I like this new trick of yours Jamie. Perhaps you could use your excellent aim to deliberately aim the ball at players heads? Loathsome players that I detest for petty and insignificant reasons. I’ll send you a hitlist ASAP. Tricksy Soward converts. It’s 6-0.

As thrilled as I am for Hornbag, I am disturbed by his distinct lack of hair. It’s all gone! Shaved off to a number one. Horrific! I thought we talked about this mister? You need definition and shaving ones hair off so your entire head looks exactly the same tone of beige is not the way to achieve it. He looks like one of those hairless cats. A hairless cat suffering a serious case of albinism.

Apparently Hornbag has also attacked Beau Scott with his clippers of doom. Together they look like uninitiated members of the Aryan Brotherhood. Its the stuff nightmares are made of and they must be stopped.

Meanwhile Big Dell seems to be on struggle street. He’s wandering around the park looking sweaty, confused and thisclose to unconciousness. Much like me whenever I attempt physical activity of any kind. 12 minutes in and the ref finds the Broncos offside, the Dragons wisely take the penalty goal and take it to 8-0.

Nothing much happens until the brick shithouse that is Dean Young powers through the Broncos defense using said brick shithouseness. It’s a bit of a schamozzle and I’m unsure if he actually got it down. In the biggest shock of the evening the ref actually blows his whistle and awards the try. Without going to the video ref!! Incredible!! I am shocked and amazed and mostly delighted. Soward converts with a brilliant kick and Dragons lead 14-0.

Gus and Rabs give us some commentary gold and have the following exchange -

Gus – “what would the Dragons do if they won the competition?!”

Rabs – “ummm….celebrate?”

A series of Dragons errors leads to Eastwood scoring for the Broncos at the 27th minute. He looks disturbingly like a Ralph Lauren wearing private school boy who has a girlfriend with a hyphenated surname. Gross. Why isn’t he playing union? Ennis converts and its 14-6.

31 minutes and we are treated to an amazing display from the telepathic Morris twins. Joshy offloads brilliantly to his brother without even looking and Brett sprints 50 metres to score a breathtaking try. It’s like he knew he was theeeere! It’s ESP! TWINTASTIC! They further cement the awesome by running towards each other and doing some sort of secret twin hand move. The cuteness is overwhelming…it’s kittens and puppies and rainbows and lollipops. LOVE!

Meanwhile Gus has decided they call each other ‘BraBra’. I love that his nicknames are a) lame and b) totally made up….just like mine!

Soward converts and the Dragons lead 20- 6. The ref infuriates both players and viewers by continually blowing penalties for the markers not being square. Ryles looks like he’s about to cut a bitch and Gus is blowing up in the commentary box. Matty Johns announces ‘it’s hip to be square’. The sort of commentary insight I feel I would offer if they ever gave me a microphone.

35 minutes and Big Dell gets an elbow to the face. It doesn’t look good. Apparently his cheek isn’t made of granite like I previously thought. Bitch looks groggy as all hell.

We go to halftime and the Dragons are leading. Comfortably. And have been playing with minimal errors and fairly good ball control. I feel weird. My heart isn’t my throat and I’m not filled with rage and frustration. My team is playing…well. I feel calm and confident. WHAT IS GOING ON? Is this how Storm supporters feel every week?? Lucky bastards.

Ben Ikin informs us that the Dragons usually play like ‘kids in a candy store’ as they tend to get over excited and drop the ball. Um…in no way does that metaphor apply. Bloody Queenslanders.

The second half begins. In the anti climax of the year, Big Dell doesn’t run back out on the field. Instead his wife drives him to hospital to get that cheek looked at. I try to care but struggle to summon a genuine emotion. 42 minutes in and Broncos newbie Hoffman gets hammered by Setu and it results in a penalty. Hoffman is far more likeable than usual fullback K.Hunt. He’s all sunshine and milk chocolatey goodness.

47 minutes and Tonie Carroll lamely pretends he scored a try. BITCH PLEASE. Also…isn’t Tonie a girls name? Just sayin. We go the video ref and we see an obvious knock on from 87 different angles. Clearly a no try right? Apparently not. The VR incomprehensibly rules a try and jaws drop across Australia. Even Tonie knows that ain’t a try.

The next phase of the game is to put it bluntly, boring as shit. Both teams are flat in attack and lethargic in defence. SNOOOORE. My slumber is awoken by Flossy (short for Florence) Nightingale going in for a try in the corner. Hooray! Something’s happening! Sowards conversion is unsuccessful, the Dragons lead 24-10.

75 minutes and Flossy twists and swivels and lunges and scores a cracker of a try. GO FLOSSY GO! I love him. He’s all dimples and determination. Gus launches into a monologue of sorts about why Flossy isn’t the greatest player to watch. Apparently he’s not graceful and lacks the traditional long strides of a winger. He goes so far to describe him as ‘an ungainly looking thing’. BLASPHEMY! I care not for strides…look at this face!

Sowards conversion is unsuccessful. The game winds up. Dragons victory 28-10. HURRAH! Ben Creagh receives man of the match. He is also the only strawberry blonde in the league. Winner on both fronts!

GO DRAGONS!