The Weekly Recap – Dragons vs Eels

I’ve decided I will recap one game per week. Chosen at my discretion. This week we will be examining the clash between my beloved St George Dragons and the Parramatta Eels. There is a palpable tension between these two clubs. I’m not quite sure why, but I think it might have something to do with the time Trent Barrett (ex Dragon) punched PJ Marsh (Ex Eel) in the head….from behind. It was special.

We start the game with a minutes silence for the late Jack Gibson. RIP old mate. Thanks to some ridiculous game sharing scheme it’s being played at the cavernous shithole that is ANZ Stadium. A stadium built for 80,000 at only a quarter full does not an atmosphere make. It has all the ambience of a Medicare office.

As the players line up it strikes me just how Caucasian the Dragons are. So many whities! This is becoming a rarity. With the recent influx of Polynesians into the NRL most games are starting to look like Poly Day at Gumnut Cottage.

Speaking of Polynesians, god I love Fui Fui Moi Moi. Yes, that is his real name. Not only does he have the greatest name in rugby league (and possibly the world), he also looks and plays somewhat like a bouncer that wandered off his door, found a Parra jersey and ran onto the field. Any man that makes his living as a professional athlete yet still sports a sizeable gut deserves my adulation. That includes you Mark Riddell and Shane Warne. LOVE!

Hot Bitch Cooper (also known as Matt) has thankfully made his return for the Dragons. Just as I was deciding that he is the only man alive that can carry off a rats tail I notice baby Chase Stanley is also sporting one. THEY ARE CONTAGIOUS! What is going on here boys?? I hate to admit it but Chase’s rattie doesn’t look altogether heinous. Still infinitely better than anything AFL players are sporting. Oh yeh, I went there.

7 minutes in and Eric Grothe steamrolls over Nighthingale to score a brilliant try. His tattoos are questionable and he plays in a cover band called Three Day Grothe (yes really) but damn that boy is attractive and I would like him to live in my pants. Burt converts and Parramatta are up 6-0. The genius that is Ray Warren discusses Joel Reddy’s hair with much consideration – “I like the mop of hair Reddy is wearing, it reminds of the old fashion of Nathan Hindmarsh”. Only Rabs could discuss ‘wearing’ hair like it was a hat. Heart heart.

Baby Chase looks sure to score a try in the corner but Hayne busts out some brilliant cover defence and denies him. Hayne HAS to play on the wing for NSW this year. Hear that selectors? Sure his form took a slide after some bitches shot at him from the street, but bullets flying past your ears tends to make one a tad nervous. Not everyone has the constitution of Jason Moran. Luckily for league fans everywhere, it looks like his confidence is back. Welcome back Jarryd- with- a- Y, we missed you baby!

Nightingale pulls off the perfect offload. Perfect except for the fact he passed it to the opposition. Nice work Jase! He soon redeems himself by bravely rushing off the line to land a huge tackle on Wagon….only to collect a pointy shoulder in the throat, which momentarily crushes his windpipe. BREAAATHE JASE! BREAAATHE! He’s a fairly small winger by todays standards, but what he lacks in size he makes up for in doggedness. Plus he has dimples. What’s not to like?

31 minutes, Grothe coughs up the ball and the Dragons go in for a try. Hooray! Oh wait, the ref does the dreaded rectange mime. Nooooo! He’s going to the video ref. Shit shit shit. Inexplicably the video ref rules that Hot Bitch Cooper stripped the ball, thus ruling a No Try. It is obvious to anyone with a set of working eyes that the ball simply came loose in the force of the tackle. All the commentators blow up, as do I. THE DRAGONS WERE ROBBED! ROOBBBED! THE VIDEO REF IS RUINING THE GAME!! 2 minutes later Hindmarsh puts Burt in for another Parra try. Burt converts his own try.

34 minutes and Mark ‘Chesty Bond’ Gasnier creates magic out of nothing and unselfishly puts Baby Chase in for try in the corner. This bitch is pure class. Phil Gould announces he is the best centre in the game, and the best he’s ever seen. The ethnically mysterious Jamie Soward sends in a cracker of a kick and converts. We go to half time with Parra leading 12-6.

I endure endless ads for Jim Beam, Bunnings and Brut and wonder why the advertisers haven’t cottoned onto the fact that women watch footy too. How about an ad for us once in awhile fellas??

The second half kicks off. 45 minute and Soward intercepts a Parra ball and takes off down the field, momentarily losing his footing on the ice rink that as ANZ Stadium. Grothe puts his foot down, steams up the sideline out of nowhere and shuts down Soward. A penalty follows and we get another chance in excellent field position. Soward makes another bust but the Dragons bomb another try in a way that only they can. Nice boys. And by nice I mean frustrating as hell and want to slap you all. Really hard.

51 minutes and Jarryd-with-a-Y goes in for a try. He plays for the opposition but I can’t help but be glad for him. He’s just so damn lovable. Again Burt converts with little effort. Hot Bitch Cooper answers with steaming through the defence and putting Nightingale in for his second try. BRILLIANT! Soward converts and its 18-12. AND WE’RE BAAACK IN THE GAAAAME! Maybe. Come on boys! We can do this!

The Dragons try their 87th charge down of the game and it ends in diaster with them being soundly bundled into touch. Someone called Matt Keating punts a brilliant 40/20 kick for Parramatta putting the Eels in perfect field positon. Brett ‘British Teeth ‘Finch wisely kicks a field goal. I suffer a minor stroke. Apparently the aforementioned tension between the teams has dissipated as we witness Eels Piggy and Hindy having a nice little chat to Dragons forward Jason Ryles…..whilst packing the scrum. There are grins and affectionate head pats for everyone. Back in the day scrums were pits of macho posturing, now they provide a convenient chat break. Excellent.

79 minutes , the boys in red try ANOTHER charge down (i think we know what point Brownie has been hammering in this past week). Hot Bitch Cooper streaks away and scores a magnificent try. Its the rats tail, its aerodynamic i tells ya! Soward converts. But it’s too little, too late. My heart lies in pieces on the floor.

Is it 2009 yet??