What is so wrong with binge drinking anyway?

I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now. Wayne Swan has imposed a tax on alcopops. This is (allegedly) not a tax grab. It will (allegedly) help curb binge drinking among teenage girls. Binge drinking! The scourge of our society!

I was by turns scathing and indifferent to this, until I realised that my beloved Smirnoff Black Ice is an alcopop. Not the Black Ice!

And while I’m not exactly a teenage girl, I’m pretty much the same mental age. Am I so hatefully irresponsible that the Government has to take away my playthings? Why does Ruddy hate me so, when all I did was love him?

So once I had a Black Ice or two to calm my nerves, I started to think about this, as rationally and carefully as a half-drunk woman can.

I thought perhaps a tax can work. Perhaps women will look at the shoes in the window of Apex and decide not to waste their pennies on that breezer now that it’s so pricey because there are better things to buy. Just like the taxes on cigarettes are curbing their smoking habit. God knows they certainly won’t just buy something else to drink. *cough*sarcasm*cough*

Oh. Well, maybe even if they’re only drinking fewer alcopops in a night they will be better behaved, and less likely to pass out in gutters, pash ugly men, accidentally flash their vajayjays and vomit in the toilets at The Eastern. Because we all know that men drink alcopops less often than women, and they are brilliantly behaved. As are women who drink wine.

*coughcough*omgIcantanybemoresarcasticthanthis*cough*

So I had another half a Black Ice and a slice of pizza and thought perhaps this tax is but the first step towards taxing all booze, which probably would calm down drinking in general because once you run out of money altogether, there’s nothing left to do but jump in a cab home and run out on the fare (if you’re reading this mum, don’t worry, I never do that; you’ve seen me jog, there’s no way I could ever outrun a cabbie. I put it on my creddie, like a lady).

And I thought – as I moved into the morally outraged part of my drunkenness – THIS IS BLOODY RIDICULOUS. If this useless tax does anything other than line the treasury’s pockets I want no part of it. We are a land of drinkers!

A land where rum was ingeniously smuggled in underground tunnels to Sydney pubs!

A land whose sporting teams survive by virtue of alcohol sponsorship!

When my ancestors came to this country in the 1800s the first thing they did was get off the boat. And the second thing they did was start a brewery and make a tidy living. It’s historical.

Just think of all the things booze does for us. What lubricates our awkward parties? What helps us express our grief after funerals? What helps us take in enough calories to store up fat for the winter? What do we give our surly relatives who don’t like anything for Christmas? What do we use to christen ships?

And more importantly, what does binge drinking that aforementioned booze do for us?

Helps us make new bffs. Helps us express rage. Helps us find love.

I say ask not how you can stop binge drinking. Ask why you would ever want to.

[Edit: The lovely Eddie has informed me that some alcopops now come with FREE CONDOMS. So they even encourage safe sex. I rest my case.]