Women we do not love; Magazines we DO NOT LOVE.

I was in the mood for some outrage this afternoon, and Jezebel led me right to it. Thanks, gals.

Scarlett Johansson was interviewed by Paste Magazine on “her five dads”. Apparently, “this is a story about dads and daughters who share something more profoundly connective than blood”.

Ooh, profound. A bold claim! Let’s dive in.

On Bill Murray:

Even though the actors’ personal relationship didn’t stretch far beyond the word “cut” (“I don’t even remember what I did off screen, I was so jetlagged,” Johansson sighs), sometimes your coworkers can teach you about life simply by example. Johansson learned the importance of vulnerability in the acting process, and about finding the nerve to pour something intimate into each character.

AMAZING! They hardly saw each other except for during filming, and she doesn’t even really remember the time they spent together that wasn’t captured on film for her to watch again later. That is profound, indeed. I’m kind of holding back a tear, to be honest. I wish only for that sort of deep and enriching emotional bond in my own life.

On Woody Allen:

“I don’t know why relationships between men and women are always pigeon-holed into being some kind of push-and-pull for sexual power. I’m always kind of weirded out when I’m interviewed by people who say, ‘Gosh! Woody must be in love with you.’ It’s like, ‘fucking expand your mind.’ We have a great friendship between us and I have such a fondness for him as a person. I can appreciate his quirks.”

Well it is insane, isn’t it, how the public have to turn all male-female relationships into smut? Those sex-crazed plebs. I’m sure all you and Woody do together is play chess and quote Kafka. Which is why he comes out with quotes like this:

Allen, 71, in turn describes Johansson as “criminally sexy,” telling the magazine: “While she is a much stronger actress in every way, there is a tiny bit of Marilyn Monroe in her zaftig humidity.”

Humid? Sorry, I just retched a little.

Word to the wise: It may also help people to stop sexualising you if you don’t participate in stunts like this, posing for five months in a series of shots where your head is obscured and all that is visible is your almost-undressed body.

To be truthful, this whole “five dads” schtick is just a really poor excuse to get someone young and big-boobed and lusted-after to talk about older men for the space of a whole article. It means that men of baby-boomer age and older can read it and imagine that Scarlett joneses for older men and might in a million years fuck them while at the same time pretending they don’t actually lust after a woman young enough to be their daughter. It’s pathetic, the moreso because Scarlett has made herself complicit in it to futher her career. But whatevs. Back to the snark.

More on Woody:

“He’s not precious about stuff, which I think is important, especially when you’re working with such a large group of people, and actors that are going to come in with their own ideas. You can’t be too nit-picky precious about phrasing. You’ll tell him, ‘This phrasing isn’t coming out the right way,’ and he’ll be like, ‘As long as you have the same idea, just put it into your own words.’ I think it’s important to give an actor that kind of flexibility.

“For instance, in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, there’s this line where I say, ‘You went through my suitcase,’ but the original line was ‘You went through my valise.’ Nobody would say ‘You went through my valise,” but Woody would say that! I told him, ‘You can’t say “valise” because nobody knows what that means.’ And Woody was like, ‘Really? What do you call it?’ And I was like, ‘It’s a suitcase!’”

Did you hear that, guys? Scarlett changed the word VALISE to SUITCASE. Bitch is an artist. I’m almost as impressed as when I found out Christina Aguilera added the ‘… come, come, come on and let me out’ to ‘Genie in a Bottle’ all by herself.

On Tom Waits:

Her new record isn’t the vanity project of someone who feels entitled to a record deal after achieving widespread notoriety. God gave her a wonderfully unexpected voice, and—emboldened by Mr. Waits’ example—she intends to have some fun with it.

EMBOLDENED BY MR. WAITS’ EXAMPLE? You’re telling me listening to a guy’s albums makes him your surrogate dad? In that case, Waits is also my dad. As are Elton, Neil, Marc, Gram, John, Paul, Michael, Jimmy, Johnny and Iva. Kthanks.

on Bob Dylan:

“I’ve been fortunate enough to never be the biggest media sensation,” she says. “I’ll do anything to avoid it. It’s so gross—that whole tabloid shit is disgusting and awful.”

Disgusting enough for you to appear in Entourage as yourself?
There is nothing I hate more than a deluded celebrity, except maybe transparent pandering and pointless nonjournalism like this article. Paste Magazine, you fail at life. Scar Jo, you lose at self-awareness.

And now, just because it’s worth a repeat:

“FUCKING EXPAND YOUR MIND”

- Scarlett Johansson.