We won’t be doing any filming today till this afternoon, then we have a Special Birthday Date with some of our favourite peeps and a vat of margaritas. So to tide you over until we can put up some new interviews tomorrow, here’s a mini-video we made on the drive up. We’re 99% sure it will also guarantee both of us will die alone, surrounded by processed meats. Ain’t nothing sexier than a lady who loves her pies.
Let’s get this out of the way: WE GOT A HUG FROM JAMAL. IT’S ON VIDEO. YOU WILL SEE IT. IT WAS AMAZING.
Now, where were we?
Day 1 of our Port Macquarie Odyssey took us to local skills clinics with both City and Country teams and some Port Mac schoolkids. Pretty obviously, the weather was a massive bitch. Hence, we look like slightly drowned dogs, and did most of our interviews under a random signing marquee. Good times.
Here’s the rundown, before we get to the sweet video action: Intern Lachie is so teeny! Yes, we see him around the office every day, but we have an average height of 5’5″, so seeing him amongst other footy players is completely different and really worries us. Don’t break him please!
Lots of you asked for Josh Dugan interviews, but this morning he was far too busy talking on his mobile and being interviewed in a public toilet block by a really shifty looking ‘journo’ for us to get interviews … sorry guys! Next time, we promise.
Jamal got the same treatment; we like to call it George Michael TV.
Make sure you pay attention in our favourite bits of the video:
* Todd Carney shifting around like he has ants in his pants, thanks to Michael Robertson and Joel Thompson sitting off-camera and playing footsies with Todd’s Crotch.
* Ronnie Palmer gazing off into the distance as he talks about shorts, and how he secretly rolls his up when no one’s looking. What was he looking at? Carty was cracking up, at Ronnie’s expense.
* Carty fending off the ‘ambush’ questions about us being pests. According to him we are “very good girls”. AWWWW.
Sadly, what you can’t see in the video (but we could see) is how interested Greg Bird was in the informative literature we brought about the sights of Port Macquarie. He loved it! Couldn’t wait to find out what historical peccadillos Port had in store for him. We are also 99% sure Joel Thompson took home the Frangipanni massage pamphlet. Good choice.
After we wrapped up our interviews, we headed back to town for lunch. Something classy for two classy ladies … like Subway. As we were parking we drove past Carty and Ronnie -- everyone’s favourite City rugby league power couple -- heading out for a lunch date. They seemed to like Sassy’s mum’s sweet Subaru station wagon. “Nice car, girls”.
Apparently everyone had the same idea, because inside Subway we found half of the city team on a sandwich date: Trent Waterhouse, Lachlan Coote, Joel Reddy, Tim Grant and Michael Jennings. Before you ask, no we aren’t stalking them. And yes, they eat Subway, just like regular people!
Kiki had a Moment of Trauma in Subway when she found herself lined up behind Trent Waterhouse, really really wanting to order a footlong turkey sub, but kind of embarassed since giant prop Trent Waterhouse had just ordered a footlong, too. After a brief moment of indecision: does she just WHISPER her order? should she order a six-inch like a lady? … she thought DAMMIT. I REALLY WANT MY FOOTLONG. Cue the following exchange at the cash register:
Kiki: “I can’t believe I eat the same lunch as a footballer”
Subway dude: “… actually a little bit more”
Sassy: “Is that cause she ordered double cheese?”
We just arrived in the lovely Port Macquarie for City v Country week. We somehow ended up with an amazing suite right on the water, huge balcony and all. BEHOLD! The view from our sweet pad -
They start em young in regional Australia, because on our way to dinner we got propositioned by a group of grommets in the street. They were 14 at the most. Kiki got an eye fuck and ‘heeeeey beautiful’. Then when we crossed the road his mates were all OH MAN, YOU SCARED EM OFF. GOOD ONE.
We giggled for awhile until we realised, if we got knocked up in our teens, they could literally be our sons. This is truly a terrifying thought and we drowned our Fuck We Are Old Sorrows in huge portions of Thai food.
Anyways, last weekend we popped down to the adorable Leichardt Oval (if you’ve never been, get thyself there immediately) for a NSW Cup double header. Last time we were there Kiki was running in front of Robbie Farah, tripped on her thong and had the biggest stack of all stacks right in front of him. This time she once again embarassed herself by accidentally yelling “CHEESE DOGS!!!!!” in Tim Sheens face. Long story.
Here’s our video. Make sure you watch it, if only for the seriously hysterical Wests fans who declare they will “neck themselves” if the Maggies don’t take out the title this year. Brilliant.
Keep an eye out this week, we will be uploading heaps of episodes of Errol TV and other City v Country stuff. Also check out our Errol Twitter, plus our personal ones for more frequent updates. Kiki’s and Sassy’s.
As always, your fearless incompetents were out and about on the weekend and chillin at a NSW Cup game. This week, Wests vs Norths at North Sydney Oval.
Our thoughts?
1. They make the best damn sausage sandwiches in the league. Fact.
2. Greg Florimo you are ageless!
3. The iconic fig tree really is lovely.
and
4. Greg Florimo, you are ageless and you know who we are! Clearly we adore you.
For all the rest, the boys at the NSWRL have a new youtube video up:
Let’s talk Israel. The Mormon kind, not the Jewish kind.
Israel’s interests include Queensland, Mormonism, and driving shirtless.
Pic. Paul Harris
Apparently Israel loves his family, but he also loves rolling around in money cackling manically like Steve Rubell or Mr. Burns, because the talk is he’ll leave the Broncos and jump ship to either the Melbourne Rebels or AFL for a better offer.
Darren Lockyer thinks this shows “his head’s in a bad place“. By which I assume he means Queensland. BOOM TISH.
And I think … AFL? Really? Way to be derivative, man. K.Hunt did that at least six months ago. Also, K.Hunt is a really hilarious name to make puns about and Israel is … well it’s the name of an artificially-created nation state. NATION STATES AREN’T FUNNY. So what are we meant to put on our mocking banners at his last Broncos games, huh? Way to make our jobs difficult, Izzy.
See? The diagram doesn’t lie.
And yes, I am gonna be a bitch and point out that about twelve months ago, Izzy was so desperately homesick that he wanted to leave Melbourne and head home to Queensland to spend time with the fam. But all of a sudden now that the papers are talking about the Rebels offering him six hundred grand a year, they’re starting to seem a lot less charming. Who needs mum’s taro when you’ve got six hundred thousand bucks?
(I’d dump my annoying fam for ten bucks and a bottle of champas, if anyone’s offering.)
The way I see it, Izzy leaving for the Rebels is a blessing. I do feel a tiny bit sorry for the Broncos, because with the number of injuries they’ve had this year he’s pretty much their senior player right now. But more importantly it’d be one less Queenslander in the league, and one less reason for me to get annoyed every week.
Every week I hear someone wax lyrical about Folau’s genius on the wing and in the centres, and how he’s the great Mormon hope of rugby league and every time I start ranting at the radio/paper/television about how wrong they are. Israel is good. He’s very good. He’s great playing outside a great centre, he looked brilliant playing outside a brilliant team of lies at the Storm, he’s great in Origin, but at the Broncos, he’s …. good. Am I missing something?
As dirty Queensland 3/4s go he’s no Inglis or Hodges, is he? Not least because he’s vaguely likeable.
Which reminds me, talk is that if Izzy leaves, Inglis might head to the Broncos. To that I say AWESOME. IT’S WHAT YOU WANTED, ISN’T IT GREGORY? ps BOWRAVILLE IS IN NSW YOU CHEAT.
Thanks again to the absolute champion who brought that sign into our lives. It was one of my all-time Top Ten Origin Highlights.
Matai looked angry when he rose to his feet and appeared to slap Stewart. He walked straight off the training field.
Sea Eagles coach Des Hasler looked stressed as he watched the entire scene yesterday.
Dammit! I can’t believe there’s no video of this. League-slaps are one of our top ten favourite things. Remember when Daine Laurie slapped Corey Parker? Good times.
But in Glen’s defence Matai’s shoulder is ALWAYS sore. His shoulders are made of the same delicate delicate glass as Minichiello’s spine. True Story.
And in Glen’s defence … Des Hasler looking stressed is as groundbreaking as the sky being blue.
We’re more worried about the whereabouts of Ben Farrar after his mistake-fest on Monday night against the Titans. We’ve all seen what Des can do to a door – CLICKY CLICKY if you don’t remember – and Ben Farrar’s not even made of wood. He’s just made of squishy, squishy human.
Here’s hoping Intern John John’s right and Ben’s just having some time off at a farm, running about the paddocks and enjoying himself with all the other great Manly players of the past.
It’s time for an Errol public service announcement. Things have been rough since the news of the Melbourne Storm scandal broke. Last week, when Kiki’s Iranian dentist innocently asked her to explain all this complicated Melbourne Storm money-business, she only got through a sentence before literally tearing up in the chair. IT WAS EMOTIONAL, OK?
When you love footy, and have an inexplicable love for David Gallop like we do -- he’s just really comforting, you know? -- the whole incident and the aftershocks that it’s putting through the game are tres upsetting.
We already said last week that we know there is no punishment, either letting the Storm play, or forbidding them to play, that’s fair on the game and the other teams. So why the hate for the NRL? They’re just doing their best in a massive unpleasant shitstorm. At the ANZAC day Roosters vs Dragons game, Kiki caught at least three Roosters fans booing David Gallop and was so annoyed she had to step in.
And by ‘step in’, clearly we mean yelling ‘SHUT UP! WHAT’S HE EVER DONE TO YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHO’S RUN A NATIONAL CORPORATION? DAVID GALLOP. KNOW WHO HASN’T? YOU. SO PISS OFF.”
We just have a lot of feelings. And one of those feelings is now anger, that people are prolonging the whole gross cheaty mess by blaming the NRL for ruining the game. What about, um …. the people that actually cheated?
There’s footage of Brian Waldron in 2007 talking about how necessary the salaray cap is. Those aren’t the words of someone who thinks the cap is unfair and hates that it’s driving him to cheat and be generally evil, which is what some people are implying. If the Storm thought the cap was so unfair, wouldn’t they have said SOMETHING publicly in the last five years? God knows they have the media profile to do it. They could’ve told the whole nation after they won one of their two billion games.
But obviously the people pulling the scam didn’t care about the cap being unfair or changing the game, they just wanted to win. You can’t undo that kinda deception.
The Raiders like to have all their Important Salary Cap discussions in the pool. Joel Thompson wants to know why the NRL hates third parties so much. He loves parties!
We feel sorry for the fans and for anyone who had no idea what was going on, but that doesn’t mean the club as a whole didn’t cheat. Sometimes, like Wendell with the coke, you just have to take your medicine, make the best of it, and move on.
He could’ve easily said “BUT EVERYONE IN SYDNEY DOES COKE” (true), instead he took the two years off and went back to reggies. Just one of the many reasons we think he’s an awesome human.
We don’t wanna see the Storm disappear, but doesn’t it seem a bit tacky and spiteful to turn it into the Storm vs everyone else? Rugby League is like a family, which is why the cheating hurt so much. So shouldn’t it be the whole RL community against cheaters, not us vs the Storm?
Why don’t you share the love, Cooper Cronk?
You know how shit it is that the Storm have to play for nothing? It’s also pretty shit for every team who already lost points this year to a team in breach of the salary cap (at this point Kiki yells LIKE THE DRAGONS) and every team who has to lose points through the year for a team that can’t even get in the Grand Final.
CHEATING HURTS EVERYONE GUYZ! WE’RE ALL SUFFERING!
So how about we all have a big fuck-off group hug and enjoy some comedy? Mainly, at Greg Inglis’ expense.
You can’t beat that kind of journalistic brilliance. It’s a man opening a garage! And best of all, it’s not even a man opening a garage, OR Greg Inglis. It’s two random dudes standing next to a boat. Oh, telegraph.
Allegedly, GI was paid his salary, but also given a sweet $30,000 speedboat and …. wait for it …. a HARVEY NORMAN VOUCHER. OH, THE HUMANITY! That shit is like the Mafia, huh?
First of all, can you believe Inglis has a speedboat? After watching that infamous bloopers reel -
(in fact, we may have watched it about twenty times, cause that shit is hilarious. Make sure to check out Jarryd-with-a-Y at 1:30 for some awesome lolz) … let’s just say the thought of GI captaining a powerful motorised watercraft worth thousands of dollars strikes terror into our hearts.
Passenger: GI, isn’t that another boat to port side? Doesn’t it have right of way?
Greg: ………. what?
Is there even any open water in Victoria? Does he take it out on the Yarra? Or does he just use it for storage?
More importantly, when it comes to million-dollar fraud, we love thinking that all top-notch fraudsters bribe people with gift vouchers for whitegoods and stereo headphones.
After all, as Casey on twitter pointed out, “everyone needs a kettle to go with their speedboat”.
Now let’s have a guess how GI spent the rest of his allegedly fraudulent voucher.
Kiki is convinced he splashed out on a schmick new “Cheeky Massage Chair“. It does foot massage, kneading, rolling, shiatsu, AND tapping. He’s an athlete, he needs to keep his muscles supple!
And it hasn’t just been a trying time for Storm fans, and fans of bein’ honest n that.
Manly were also beaten at the last minute by the Titans last night … at Brookvale. I know, we were shocked too.
We would like to send our condolences to Ben Farrar’s family and friends. We’re sure Des will confess and lead police to the body at some point if they offer him a large enough sentence reduction.
So to ease the Eagles fans’ and the Farrar family’s pain, we give you:
It’s Ken-Doll Ballin! Now complete with shimmery new disco Euro-trunks. Think of it the Ken Doll for those who love foam parties in Ibiza and rubbing oil on themselves in public. Rock on, Bal.
And now, we leave you with the soothing sight of Fui Fui Moi Moi in his undies. He cares not for swimwear. Love and kisses, Kiki and Sassy.
Sometimes, at Errol HQ, we have to do unpleasant things. Well, not really. Usually we just make the interns do all the stuff we don’t enjoy, like stacking the dishwasher, fending off bill-collectors with sharp sticks and fetching us vats of Diet Coke when we are sleepy or hungover.
But today we have to talk about … the Storm. Oh man, we haven’t been this distressed/surprised/overwhelmed/confused since Britney got the crack itch and shaved off all her hair.
First things first: YES WE TOLD YOU THEY WERE EVIL. We tipped you all off aaages ago that the Storm, aka Globo Gym, were inherently untrustworthy and potentially the enemy of all that is good and lovely in this world.
But even we didn’t think things were this dramatic. $1.7 million in shifty salary cap breaches over five years. <insert Phil Gould WOW here>
We spent the afternoon huddled around watching the live press conference from the NRL – Intern John John even put on his serious hotpants (they’re pin-striped) – and we couldn’t decide whether we were more:
a) shocked by how harsh the penalty ended up being;
b) shocked at how insane the salary cap breaches were;
c) outraged that the penalty didn’t include taking the 2009 wooden spoon away from the Roosters (that was just Sassy);
d) just really really upset for David Gallop. Our fave sporting administrator looked truly devastated. We were both actually close to tears. We know DG enough to know he is an awesome bloke and he does NOT deserve this fuckery.
When Greg Inglis got in trouble with the law, we sent him comical chocolate-covered fruit flowers to cheer him up, but there aren’t enough fruit flowers in the world for this, for serious. NOT ENOUGH FRUIT FLOWERS IN THE WORLD.
Anyway. Here are some of our educated thoughtz on this.
OF COURSE IT WAS AFL
We could not be less surprised that people are suggesting Brian Waldron masterminded this. Of course he did. If there is one unarguable truth about rugby league, it’s that scandals always come out, and no one keeps any secrets. They are physically incapable of doing this. Sure, league players and managers and administrators can be shifty sometimes, but not to this extent, with this level of deceit, this successfully, and in this organised a fashion. As a rule, Rugby League is nothing but transparent, honest and a little bit … let’s just call it “un-slick”. It’s part of why we love it so much.
BUT WHAT ABOUT BILLY?
Whenever we get onto the topic of whether the players knew what is up, Sassy just stops and says two words: Jamal. Idris.
That’s right, remember when Jamal admitted that he didn’t know he had to pay tax? Our feeling is that you should never underestimate how clueless people can be. And be ‘people’ we mean ‘footy players, or Errol girls’. We do some really, really ridiculously dumb stuff sometimes.
Like John Kite taking his passport to the airport for a flight to Queensland. Or the time Sassy got out the wrong side of a cab in New York and the door got ripped off. Until we find out that the players were collecting giant sacks of cash from the locker room every Friday or something, we’re willing to think maybe not all the players knew.
We have a semi-insider’s view on what goes on in footy and we know that the game runs on gossip. But we are unsure if players openly talk about their salary with other players.
It’s entirely possible at least SOME of the Storm players knew, or had an inkling, of what was going on. But after watching the bloopers video from the making of the Indigenous All-Stars ad, can you really say you think Greg Inglis is right on top of his finances? Really?
We imagine when he rocks up to his accountant and his manager asks about his receipts he just answers “… what?”
THANKS, BIN LADEN
Why yes, we did just quote The Hangover! Thanks for noticing. Turns out this whole Melbourne shitstorm will screw everyone over. There’ll be no more masturbating on planes for anyone. As in, there’ll be no happy ending to this story (GET IT? HAPPY ENDING? It’s funny cause it means … you know).
For the record, we agree with the NRL’s plan of punishment. In fact it’s kind of delightfully diabolical the way they are forcing the club to go through the motions for the rest of the year with no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s very Bond villain don’t you think?
But let’s be serious for a minute.
If the Melbourne Storm loses all their premiership points earned so far for the 2010 season, but keeps going, then they effectively keep cheating because they already have a team that breaches the salary cap. Hello unfair.
If they keep going the way the NRL wants them to – with no points, and not winning any more points – then every other team has to risk injury and suspension playing a team that has no chance of winning the premiership anyway. The games are dead rubbers, crowds are lower, and everyone including the sponsors is sadpants. After all, how well can the Storm play when they’re not playing for anything? Maybe they will play on emotion for the next few weeks, but how will they be feeling come round 20?
And if the Storm don’t play at all, that’s one game less per round. Teams would miss out on match experience and momentum, and the sponsors would be super sadpants.
And whichever ones happens, Storm fans – all ten of them – get nothing. We’re pretty happy for something bad to happen to that douchebag Melbourne fan with the cowbell, cause that is fucking IRRITATING, but we do feel truly awful for the rest of the Storm kids.
As much as we have always loathed the Storm, we want the club to survive. Because if nothing else, it’s providing an alternative to the horrendousness that is AFL, and that’s bloody important.
Morning kittens! To help soothe you into the hideousness that is Monday, the boys over at the NSWRL have uploaded our latest comical/incompetent video from the NSW Cup. This one is from the round six Newtown vs Wentworthville game out at Ringrose Oval in Wenty … coincidentally also a Men of League fundraising day. Hurrah!
Check it out to see Sassy discussing shirtlessness and beer with Brian Smith from the Chooks, Kiki being sledged by Parra icon Bob O’Reilly, the gorgeous strawberry blond curls of one Sean Rutgerson, and one of our favourite humans ever -- Emu the Wenty trainer. We think you’ll especially enjoy the bit where Sassy bogans out over Smirnoff Blacks.
Highlights sadly not caught on camera:
* Overhearing one of the Wenty club men talking about us, and his friend looking over and saying “… they’re not THAT young”. Burned!
* Seeing the hilarious Mick from Newtown, and being brought beers by dirty spunk Jason ‘I’m not Lebanese’ Baiteri.
* Bob ‘Bear’ O’Reilly whipping off his official ‘Men of League’ shirt and giving it to Sassy. When she protested it was too big: “keep it just in case you bulk up darlin”.
And many thank you gropes to the awesome Martin Cook from Men of League for helping us out.
Kittens, I am officially losing all sense of perspective. Sure I was kind of a bitch before, but apparently I have now become so obsessed with our fantasy league experiment that I have lost all concern for right and wrong.
Every time I hear the word “scandal” and “league star”, my heart leaps and I just start really really praying that some awesome player has been caught in a compromising (but not deregistration-worthy) position with his pants off in a public street, possibly involving some kind of escort or domestic beast, just so I can draft him into the Second Chances. I care not for their reputation or family life, I just wanna win.
So you can imagine how happy I was when I heard “LEAGUE STAR CAUGHT DRINK DRIVING” on my radio this week.
(Happy as a pig in shit, for those who aren’t good at imagining stuff).
Disclaimer: may not be the actual Tony Williams
Then I heard the rest of the story and realised it was Tony Williams from the Sea Eagles. Thanks for nothin, universe.
So here’s how it went down in round five:
The lil Angels had their ups and their downs. Adorable Timmy Moltzen racked up 1 point before he injured his ACL and had to be helped from the field up at Dairy Farmer’s stadium. ONE POINT! ACL! GAME OF DEATH!
It’s always sad when awful things happen to people that cute. I mean, a halfback settling into his position with untapped and potentially massive potential. If Tim’s reading (and who are we kidding, he totally is), we think he should come by for milkshakes and movies at Errol HQ.
And brand new hooker and captain Issac Luke: 96 points. 96. points. I am starting to hate him already.
Total: 519 points.
And finally, finally, over in camp Second Chances, my faith in our favourite chicken nugget Greg Bird was repaid. After some dismal 16 point performances, he locked in 60 this week. Hurrah Greg Bird!
Disclaimer: may not be actual Greg Bird
This is the kind of redemption and success that the Second Chances stand for. Makes me wanna start some kind of giant group hug.
Sadly, the feathered one was the stand out, and my little troublemakers lost to Kiki by just 20 points.
Total: 499 points.
That leaves the Angels at 12th and the Second chances at 13th on the Oh Errol league table. It’s so close you could throw a snuggie over those bitches. Please don’t though, because Snuggies are an abomination against God.
Till next week! GO THE SECOND CHANCES.
UPDATE: I have renovated the Second chances for round six! Please welcome Lote and Laffranchi, and the returning Pom.
I AM SO ANNOYED. I knew it was coming, but round five was the week I scored only four correct tips out of eight and fell off the top of the Errol Tips leader board. On the bright side, at least the new leader is a fellow Errol girl.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Storm, the Cowboys, my poor sad Roosters and the fat slow bloated Eels for losing and ruining my complete and utter domination of the Errol Tips competition. Cause I was really really enjoying being the queen of tips, dark and BEAUTIFUL!
Everyone loves a Lord of the Rings reference
Needless to say you are currently all sitting on my Tipping shitlist, alongside the Sharks. And yes, I do think they will read that and be upset. You know it’s true.
Excitingly, we also have a new trend in the top five, and that trend is DUDES. Here’s how the leaderboard looks this week:
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
